I want to write a letter to dh

[tiredandgrumpy]

i'm very unhappy at the moment because dh keeps on at me at my failure to keep the house tidy etc. I had a baby (dc3) 3 months ago by cs and she's a terrible sleeper. I'm not going to give details here, because I know I'm justified, but I really don't think he's cutting me enough slack. He has a lot of stress in his life and I'm not out to accuse him of not helping me enough (though a little more respect would be nice), I just want him to acknowledge that I'm struggling. It's making me really miserable.

He won't listen when we talk about this. In fact, it always degenerates into an argument. I've decided to put it all in a letter.

How do I express myself so he listens? Is there a particular tone I should adopt? I don't want to fuel another argument, but just want to get him to understand my point of view for once.

He won't, however you say it, because he's not listening. He's not going to have some revelation because you've put pen to paper.

Can you afford a cleaner?

We already have one, but it's the non 'maintenance' type jobs that he wants me to be on top of. Sorting out the piles of things in the house, unpacking the last few moving boxes (his stuff) that have no home. I struggle to keep on top of the day to day running of the house, let alone make inroads into the other stuff. Without the baby i'd manage it, but to have expected me to do it over the last 3 months is unreasonable. I find it hard to fit in looking after the other dcs, laundry, day to day tidying, cooking etc as it is - dc3 is very clingy. Getting her sleep sorted is a huge challenge and as for my napping when she does - impossible! I just think his expectations are unrealistic at this stage in dc3's life. I'd also like a bit more respect from him - ie that he doesn't expect me to collect his dirty clothes from the bedroom floor or tidy his breakfast things away.

Oh, poor you. Yes, you're absolutely justified in all of that. Three children, a recent CS, and managing the day to day housework is a huge amount of work as it is, let alone things like unpacking.

Have the two of you had issues about household division before? I mean, before this child? Have you ever been able to talk it through?

You don't need to be writing a supplicating letter asking for this stuff. You deserve respect. It's not your first DC, it's not like he doesn't understand what's involved with a tiny baby or that the amount of work they are increases exponentially.

Tell him to sort his own shit out. seriously. He can do his own boxes of crap, his own breakfast stuff, his own laundry. He's not a child and you're up to your eyes caring for your actual children!

You need to book yourself a long weekend away. By yourself and let him see for himself how much time looking after a baby takes.

I would suggest that you write a letter and don't hold back, everything which is upsetting you and pissing you off just vent on the paper, don;t worry about making it grammatical and swear as much as you like even . Afterwards, don't even read it, burn it.

It may sound mad, but you will then have got rid of the original frustrations which are building up, it is surprising how much calmer you feel after doing this.

To deal with your husband, once you are feeling a bit calmer, why don't you suggest he takes a couple of days off work and tackles the outstanding jobs he is being unreasonable about.

He really is taking the piss expeccting you to clean up after him, but in his mind you are doing "nothing" at home all day. He needs to find out the reality of it.

Thank you. In an ideal world I would throw this back at him/suggest he takes time off work. He has had a lot to deal with over the last few months and for reasons I'm not going into here, I'm not going to make more demands of his time. All I want is for him equally to cut me some slack.

I'll start by Romilly's suggestion of the letter which I don't send as maybe that'll help me cope with some of the created stress. I can't leave the dc as dc3 is end and am determined to keep it that way. I know her sleep problems, though a pain, are only a phase.

Sorry, dc3 is ebf not 'end'.