I feel like a single mum

[podkin]

My DP has been working almost constantly for the past 3 weeks. He leaves at 7am, gets in around 9pm sometimes later. He has not seen ds (apart from asleep) for aages, and only has a quick cuddle of dd (11 wks) before I take her off to bed. We had his dd last weekend - or rather I did - and he barely saw her. His bloody work have a project running 4 weeks behind schedule so he is up to his eyes in it. Doesn't help me though - I am knackered and fed up that he hasn't spent time with me or the kids in ages. And it's nearly xmas...and I have a sore throat. Just a general rant really - thanks for listening.

Don't worry, i know it's hard, i've been a actual single parent in the past. i'm sure things will get better soon, maybe he's just working so hard to make sure you all have a nice christmas. are you a member of sept post natal club?

I can really sympatise with you, I quite often feel like a single mum. My husband and I run our own restaurant, I push the paper and look after the kids (aged nearly 3 and nearly 1)and he is the chef. This means we have breakfast together then he's into the restaurant for about 9/10am, home for a quick snack at about 5 then back in the restaurant until anytime between 11 and 1am. Some nights I feel like I am so fed up with doing tea, bath and bed 6 nights a week on my own. The only thing that gives me a real kick up the arse is when I think of a friend of mine who was widowed in April, she was 7 months pregnant at the time and now has three kids of 3 years, 22 months and 6 months to manage on her own. I then thank my lucky stars that my husband is alive. I know you don't want to hear it but it could be worse!

18sleep - yes I dropped into the Sept post natal club occasionally, but not a regular. Of course the extra money will help for christmas as well, and I know he is fed up with it as well. He's so bloody professional though - just carries on regardless! If it was my job I'd tell them to stuff it up their jacksys and have a couple of days off, but each to their own I guess...

Lilliput - your situation soounds pretty constant, mine is (hopefully) a short term thing. Keep smiling ! And yes you are right it could be worse.
Thanks

Ah sympathies. Feel the same. DH leaves 7.30 am and is never home before 8.30 pm (and thats good) .
3 or 4 nights a week he is home gone midnight and at least once a week he works all night. He does pull his weight at the weekend though, even though he is bloody knackered! He is better than he used to be mind. He can't actually remember DD2 as a baby! Sad really. Just think of how much they miss out on. And Lilliput is so right, it could be so worse. We laugh and say our marriage has lasted so long with few arguements because we never see each other! My friends would actually like to know how we managed to conceive 3 kids! Bloody miracle I say!

Sympathy Podkin - have an 11 week old and 6 year old. DH has been working hard to cover me not working whilst on maternity leave and its very hard. The cold doesn't help either - imagine your run down - I know I am! Hope you have a much better Christmas xxx

Can empathise, dh is forces and is away alot (sometimes months at atime) its really har dwork is'nt it . Make sure once his project is over you get aday to yourself for YOU time recharge your batteries and pamper yourself, let him get to know his kids again!

trolleyshoeloose, i always say our marriage has lasted this long cos we've only spent about half of it together!

thanks for your messages - sounds like I'm not alone ! Hope you all have good restful Christmases...

I spent first 2 years of DD as single parent, went back to work full time when she was 7 months old. Biological father is not involved and family live far away. It was very tough.

For last year have had a partner and it is so much easier even though partner is away a lot and probably only does bath once a month. Even though I get little practical childcare help I relish the fact that I don't have financial problems, I don't have that sick feeling about what will I do in an emergency, I have someone to share the highs and lows of life with and someone to make me a cup of tea in the morning. My DD has a Daddy which is heart warming. Yes I get peeved when DP has to work abroad again but I count my blessings as things could always be worse.

I find it insulting to single parents when people who are in a relationship say they feel like a single parent. Having experienced both there is no comparison it is 100% easier having a partner.

Please don't be offended. I was merely having a rant about something which is affecting my life at the moment. I do not wish to insult others. As I and others have pointed out, I could have it a lot worse. I know several single mums myself and fully appreciate their lot in life.

I have to say as an Actual single parent, I agree 100% with Lasvegas.

Having a partner who comes in late isn't the same as having no one to share the responsibilities with at all, sorry

see my previous message...

I agree that it isn't the same as being a single parent, but I felt when experiencing something similar that if I was on my own, I could accept it and just do everything however hard it was, but having a partner and still being left alone and unsupported when you thought you were going to be together ( eg weekend) is hard. My DP worked very long hours (out of house for 14 hours 6 days, plus 1/2 day Sunday) immediately after I had DD2. Looking back, he was reacting to the responsibility of us all, as I had given up working (2 under 16 months) and also avoiding having to deal with the practical things. He doesn't "do" babies, but is great now they are older.
I found it easier to try not to expect anything and then any help was a welcome bonus, rather than stress about the things he wasn't doing. It did get easier for us, so hope it will for you when his contract finishes.

Thanks Jasnem - I couldn't have put it better myself - your situation seems to be almost exactly like mine at the moment. You just get on with it don't you ?

Podkin - glad u took my post in spirit it was meant. Add to discussion not a personal attack.

I agree with Jasnem. Although I am no longer SP in my head I still am. This attitude has made my relationship with DP much stronger. I do every thing to do with DD and the house, I basically take him out of the equation. When his flight is on time, like last night, he read DD a story and cooked us dinner. A lovely treat as I read the paper for 15 minutes. But I appreciate him cooking because I don't expect it. It seems many people resent their other half for not doing 'their share'. I don't expect thus I don't resent. Some might say I am a mug but I am far happier this way. When I was married to my X husband there was resentment in terms of cleaning etc, and we didn't even have a DD.

Should point out that we pay someone to clean and iron not that I do it all. But I do supervise the 'domestic' help and pay for it.

Lasvegas, it has taken me the best part of a year to adjust to becoming a full time mum, not working and gradually, not resenting my dp for not 'doing his share' I try and treat motherhood as a job ie I do as much as I can without expecting help, and I take pride in it - then when help does come, its a bonus. I used to (and still do occasionally) get very fraught,upset and angry that dp didn't do half the jobs I expected him to, but now I just act independently and take him out of the equation, as you say. He has a job to do and does it - by providing for us financially. I have also found it hard to adjust to not having my own money - nightmare ! The trials of having children...and relationships huh ?

Podkin - must be hard not having your financial independence. There is an argument that as both you and DP 'work' then in the evening and week ends you should share chores 50:50. I know before I became SP I would have adopted and expected this approach. But now my attitude is that I prefer emptying the bin myself rather than the old me who would have sat there getting cross as DP hadn't emptied it and it was his turn. I read a book called 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands' It was by an american author who did radio phone ins on relationships. It was a turning point for me, although the book assumes all mothers are housewifes and it disagrees that men and women are equal. Very radical approach I realise. Book argues women will be happier with their relationships if they don't nag and don't resent their partners. It has worked for me I am much happier and we are getting married next week and very much in love.

aaah, nagging...I always swore that I would never nag my dp, after hearing other people do it - it sounds dreadful. But sure enough I found myself doing it - it used to really depress me. I, like you, have taken the approach that I find it easier to do things myself now, and try not to resent dp for not doing most of the stuff. I know he does try hard though - it's been a struggle becuase I think he has always been in relationships where the women have been complete housewifey types who wouldn't let him lift a finger.
Have to go as 2 children crying at once ! BTW Lasvegas congrats on your forthcoming marriage, you sound very at ease with your situation and I am sure you will have many happy years together.

LasVegas - I need a copy of that book!

I too have had problems adjusting to being financially dependant, after being the main breadwinner right up to the birth of DD1. I can acccept it now unless he says something like, " well I work for it , so why shouldn't I spend it" after i have complained that he has spent £40 on himself, knowing that we need the money for things like food!

Ok they have the book on amazon and below is what amazon review says. I am v well educated and my mother worked, I am 36 so the idea of women working post children was the norm for me, I used to believe that men and women were the same. But after a failed marriage I re-assessed the situation and this book and the Rules helped me. Bizare as it sounds but after a days work and childcare I re-apply my make-up and put on nice clothes. Book says that we should look good for our partners since we love them the most and men are visual creatures, why only look good at work and not at home. There are times when I am exhaused but if I make an effort I feel better. I suggeste and encouraged DP to play gold on Sunday, he didn't (his choice) and did loads of DIY instead. The book is about bringing out best in partners by being nice not nagging. Actually if U think about it it is what we do at work with our assistants we are nice to them as it gets the best results.

Laura Schlessinger The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands: What Successful Marriage Is Really About

Synopsis

The advice book for married couples which has hit the NY Times Bestsellers list and is sparking controversy. Some might say it's old fashioned advice, others say like 'The Rules' that it works, and helps couples get along better together. Dr Laura's tell-it-how-it-is relationships book looks at what isn't working in today's marriages and prescribes a new set of values and rules to help make love blossom and marriages work. She tells wives to stop whingeing and work harder at nurturing the family and loving their men and rewards will be duly reaped. A central theme is the three A's: appreciation, approval and affection -- or showing your man you need, admire and desire him. Dr Laura prescribes the following tips, for example: - cook dinner: it's good to talk at mealtimes - Let him play sport and watch it on TV with his mates - Stop badmouthing your husband to your friends - find one or two things to compliment your husband about (no matter how small) each day for 5 days. - Avoid being a nag, and stop it or you will be dumped. - Wear make-up and look your best for your man As one of her readers attests in the opening pages: 'As a man, I can tell you our needs are simple: we want to be fed, we want our kids to be mothered and we want lovin'. And what's in it for a wife? Dr Laura contests that women are in the unique position of having extraordinary influence over their husbands which, when exercised thoughtfully, lovingly and intelligently result in a happier husband who will 'swim through shark-infested waters to bring her a lemonade.'

Sounds a bit shocking really ! Although interesting.

Do you think it makes men sound like children though ? Another thing I never wanted to do was to treat my dp like a child, but I do find myself doing it...

We are all children really - we like to be hugged, have nice treats, feel loved.

The title is a bit weird obviously a marketing ploy to cause a stir.

maybe...some more so than others,. And of course it has a lot to do with your upbringing - my dp had a bad childhood and I am sure this is reflected in how he behaves as an adult.

I have been both....
this entire yr H has been working away alot and when did come home, was after kids in bed so I did it all myself BUT now he has left, I really am a single mum and nothing compares to that.

I agree with Lasvegas
before I may not have had help but at least I didnt have to worry about money and had adult conversation for some of the evening....and of course you get to see your children every day whereas for some single mums, we lose our children when its exH/P weekend to have them

Mrs M U have made me sit up and count my blessings. Luckily DD bio father off the scene so I have never had to part with DD alternate W/E. I hardly see DD as it is so not seeing her every weekend would be awful. In my opinion it is different for men. My DP has 2 DS who he only sees alternative w/e he is a brilliant & doting father yet he doesn't get upset about lack of seeing them. If I only saw my DD for 2 days out of every 14 I seriously think I would be depressed. I guess it is becuase we carried them in our belly's BF them etc, so there is a special bond.

Podkin - Your description of your dp being 'professional' reminds me of my dp - I'm also a sept mum btw... and have 11 week ds

Come and join us on the Sept thread - we're all Lovely