I've left tonight after 18 harrowing months and need support from you lovely ladies

[craftyknickers]

Hello all, Im sorry this is long, need to rant and get it all out.

A bit about me....I am 23 and he is 39 we have been in a relationship for 18 months and it has been a rollercoaster since day one.

I am sat here today with a black eye from him and we have now split up.

My entire soul has been destroyed, for every 'nice' day there are always at least three 'abusive' days. The mood swings were so hard to live with. I couldnt say anything out of place. He drank every day. I was accused of sleeping with other people a lot. I wasnt allowed to go anywhere without him.

The emotional abuse was a lot worse than the physical abuse. The insults were so horrible, nobody would even talk to their dog that way.

He is so nice to everyone else. After he punched me in the face we had to go to my mums wedding and he acted like nothing had happened. So normal. Centre of attention, dancing on stage, doing kareoke. I knew they all knew so I was embaressed.

Anyway.....He left me tonight after another argument which was of course my fault.

I know its the right thing to do and I know I can get on with my life now, but how do you get over someone who made you mentally dependant on them? I say I love him but Im not even sure thats what it was.

The stress of being with him put me on meds for depression. (This obv gave him the right to call me mad)

He is now going round calling himself the victim so I have lost all but one friend (who is an ex of his so knows what I am going through)

I just need to know that I will come out of the other end of this ok. I am so confused and dazed right now.

victims support or womens aid will be able to take photos of that eye. they belong to you and you say what they do with them. they are the sort that can be used in court as necessary.

take care, and don't go back. if he gives you hassle, go to the police. it is not too late to go to the police now.

Have him prosecuted for your eye, do it.

You are better off without this thug, I was in a violent and abusive relationship he made my face look like a car crash, I had to tell my children I was mugged it was really bad, I almost lost the sight in my left eye.

No man is worth it, and you aren't worthless you are somebody who deserves so much more.

Yes, of course you are right there, Fabby.

OP, you should go to the police station tomorrow and report him for hurting you. Even if he only gets a caution (sad but likely) then he will have a police record.

Remember they are bringing in a new law whereby women can see whether partners have been abusive - this will be logged against him.

Oh and the police WILL believe you.

Hi Crafty. How are you doing?
How's yer grandparents?
Y'all surviving?

I think i am dreading the missing him more than anything, i am a worrier so i am scared of what it will feel like.

Think of him like a boil on your bum, if you lanced it you'd miss that too.

All you've "lost" is a boil!

Or

Get a sheet of paper and write on one side "Fabulous things about our relationship" and on the other "Reasons to never ever go back to that relationship"

Then put it on your fridge or in a drawer and every time you are tempted to call get it out and re read it. Stay strong because I think he'll be back on his knees all hearts, flowers and lies, hoping you'll go back so in another few weeks he can black your eye again or worse.

Stay strong, freedom from abuse is delicious.

As you have injuries you can use the police you could also go to court to get an Injunction with Powers of Arrest and an exclusion zone around your home and property.

This means if he even comes outside your home or work if you get back there, he can be arrested for even whispering "I love you" never mind trying a punch.

You can even get it ex parte (without him being there) then when it has been served you go back 4 weeks later to extend it and he can be there then to defend himself. Not much defending to do when you have evidence of your eye.

Day two of new life :) :slept like a log thanks to sleepies.

Thank you every for taking the time to make such nice comments. reading them all is giving me the strength to be happy with my decision.

The police: aahhhh what a tricky subject-last time he was arrested for assualt on me he was released on bail and he told me they didnt believe me. He has a disability so he used that with them and apparently they couldnt believe i was so evil as to attack a disabled man!! It was to get him off me. He got to me so much i dropped my statement. Then he said the police will never take me seriously again. So I am very scared of going down that route as he has bruises from me and he is telling everyone i attacked him. He will prob try and do me for assualt.

For now I am happy with just being away and not having the stress of him blaming me for even breathing. My grandparents are treating me very well, dinner cooked for me :) they are both at work now so i have the house to myself and i dont find it hard at the moment being alone so thats good.

If he did try to contact me i would go down the injunction route, but he is so heartless and blaming he doesnt think he is in anyway to blame so i very much doubt he will ever talk to me again. He will move onto his next victim. That has been his previous behaviour with ex's. They do all the running and begging and he never even says sorry.

You know the reason why he got to you to get you to drop that statement dont you?

He was scared.

I would do it again, get the police involved and go through with it no matter what he says. Thats going to take a lot out of you but you can do this. As for the bruises he has, ok, you admitted you gave them to him, but was this in self defence or did you go for him first?

Talk with the police and let them know your concerns, they will have a history on him now and that will be taken into consideration. If he tried to have you done for assult, see what the police says first.

Just talk to them before you do anything. They wont pressure you into doing anything you dont want to do and will support you in every way they can. They will give you a full picture so you can make an informed dicision based on facts and not on "what might happen".

Just talk to them, you have nothing to loose.

he told me they didnt believe me

Right. Did the police tell you that? No? Thought not.

Violent and manipulative men will convince themselves of anything to deflect blame from themselves for their own actions. I would wager that being released on bail is just standard police procedure by those officers after some kind of caution. That your ex chose to interpret it as complete vindication for him is par for the abuser course. Bet that even if he had been incarcerated he would still be justifying his innocence somehow. Just ignore his pathetic blather.

You know what is right, and that he assaulted you. Why be intimidated into not doing what is right? Research shows that involving the police lessens the occurence of more abuse. However your ex interprets it, it does send a strong message that you will not be putting up with his shit.

Will definaltely put some thought into the police thing. even if it is just to go and find out what my options are.

An update on my day: Feeling very happy today, I got back in touch with a friend who I had to stop all contact with because of him. She was devastated and couldnt understand.
Today I saw her and she acted like the last two years have nevr even happened. She was nice, laughing and joking and even bought me lunch :) found out she is pg with a baby boy :D

That has sealed the deal as I cant even contemplate going back now I have got in touch with her :) Two positve things out of it.

I cant believe how nice she is being, not angry at all, when i text her to thank her she said its because she loves me :) could have cried!!

xx

Oh, that's lovely. You have a true friend there. Together with your family, you have more support than a lot of people had when they find themselves in your situation.

I'm so happy for you that you've not only got in contact with her but are still great friends.

This situation will make you stronger and it has already. You said before that taking your ring off was the first thing you have done for yourself and the first decision you have made for yourself. I beg to differ. You chose to leave an abusive relationship, you chose to walk away from him, you have done so much more for yourself than you realise and you need to give yourself credit for that.

Although things will get rougher for you emotionally, I really do think that you will be just fine. You are mentally stronger than you realise and this is a great asset. You will need to remind yourself of this for the months ahead.

So glad you have had a great begining from this. You will be just fine.

Awww fagashlil thank you. you are so right, I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I was terrified of leaving as I thought I 'needed' him and i 'loved' him. Now its done Im ok. Im alive :)

Now I am out of the clutches of his control I can see that life exisits without him.

Going to get my hair cut short and spikey how i had it before i met him (im too fat and too ugly to have such a drastic style apparently) :) xx

crafty the one thing that really put the shitter up my ex was getting the police involved ! even if its to make sure your protected while he gets his stuff. He'll realise that your not afraid to tell someone what he's done and he'll also realise that your being serious this time and there is no going back, you are not alone sweetie, have you got friends or family you can go to? men like him can be easily taken down a few pegs!

Aw crafty - glad you've had a good day.

Treat yourself to a new outfit/shoes/make-up to go with the groovy new 'do

crafty, just read your last few posts, being released on bail means there is enough evidence to charge him, and the bail is there in-case he re-offends and/or goes to court. sorry should read through full threads before posting. take each day at a time, try to do something each day that he wouldn't have approved of and that you wanted to do, it makes the healing process easier. the first thing I did after me and ex split was ring my mum, I know! but I hadn't spoke to her for 18 months before.

thats so bad gossip not speaking to your mum. Its amazing what they think they can tell us to do.

It got so bad that I am so many anti depressants, the stress of his torture and upset made me physically ill. Well i intend to change that. I dont want them anymore. I wont rush it, ill get through this next few months but I am determined to be normal again.

What is helping A LOT is my nan, she is such a strong woman, takes no shit from anyone and has a lot of wisdom. Should have listened to her a long time ago!

Speaking to my friend was the biggest thing he would have hated so im feeling very chuffed with myself :)

xx

ooohhhh good, keep your chin up and head held high, be the beautiful, confident, young lady that you are, (please don't argue that your not because that would be what he would say x) and just feel proud of the things your doing without him. Ohhh and go out for a few drinks tomorrow night, even if its a pint down the legion with your nan ;)

crafty,just seen this as have been on holiday. I was 19 when i left my abusive ex,i had a 2 yr old and was pregnant.I can honestly say that the relief of a quiet life and no fear made being alone really easy.I kept waiting to feel upset but i never really did,i enjoyed weekends again as previoualy these had been flash points for his drinking/rage.I realised my "migraines" were from stress and constant punches because i didnt get them anymore,i could please myself and see whom i wanted.I trained to be a nurse and saw my friends,he had never "allowed" me to do that before. It was the making of me. I am 43 now and have a great life,went on to re marry and have more children etc. I have never looked back. We have one life,dont waste anymore of yours. Good luck.

he he, the little banned things we do when they are gone are so liberating!

You sound so much healthier than you did even 24 hours ago, you are OUT dear crafty, O.U.T! FREE!!!!

Keep talking to your friends, keep talking to us, we'll be there every step of the way for you!

I wonder how much better off I'd be as a person if I had have had half the gumption, emotional intelligence, and bravery you have shown at such a young age...

Hissy If im honest it was years before i stopped smiling when i did something previously banned by the master

I was a confident girl before all this, i has attention from people and i was learning to feel good in my own skin. I had finished those awkward teen years of not knowing who i was.

Even though its been 48 hours I can feel her creeping back. It has been over in my head for so long im just glad i dont have to stress anymore about how im going to go.

ledkr I feel exactly like that, i sat alone today and waited for the tears or to feel bad but it didnt come. I have underestimated how much i wanted this so hopefully I will stay this strong :)

It is very liberating, even being on here talking to you lovely people. Nobody looking at what I am typing.

I think part of my strength has come from reading your experiences and i feel lucky no children are involved and i feel so sad that some of you were in this terible situation for 25yrs!! It makes me feel that if you can all get through it i can if i have only been in it 18 months. Ill look back in another 18 months and wont remember half of it. Some of you ladies had years of torture and you did the right thing, I have so much respect for all of you.

Think im going to cry! xxxx

TBH it can be harder to get out in the early days. Cos there is a honeymoon period, the memory of the nice bloke we thought he was is still fresh, so you hang onto the idea that this Mr Nasty will blow over.

if you let it go on past that, then Mr Nasty erodes so much of your confidence that you can't get out, even though you are living on your nerves.

You will go on, your life will recover, you will meet the right person, and you will be happy! You have all that ahead of you, but only as long as you keep this guy and any others like him away.

I would advise that you spend a good long while on your own, really learn to love the wonderful person you are, appreciate her and care for her. You have BAGS of time on your side, don't worry!

Don't give up your independence to anyone without really knowing them, learn what the red flags look like. Come back her and run stuff past us here, you wouldn't be the first!