Should I get a life selfishly or stay and count my blessings?

[countrydreamer]

I feel trapped by my partner and resentful. I think every day about splitting up.

We've been together about 13 years. He has no savings, earns only £12k with no prospect of improvement, he lives in my house, and is a millstone round my neck. I don't love him, I am fond of him. We have good companionship and shared interests. I have never fancied him, he's not goodlooking. I am 51, he is 58. Having seen my parents in their 80s, I want to get a life now before I get ill and old, and I really don't want to spend years looking after him as we both get decrepit.

I have inherited enough money to give up full time work and to travel in a campervan which I really really want to do whilst I am still middleaged/youngish and fit, but he can't afford the time off. I cannot afford to pay for his travel and also to compensate him for lost earnings. I could go on my own but he'd be really upset and I don't want to carry on paying for all the bills of the house whilst he lives there and I'm away travelling, and he can't afford them on his own. Twice I have paid his debts and given him a financial cushion, about £30K each time. He knows I won't stand for it another time.

Every day at work I think about splitting up. In the evening, I slide back into my rut..If we split, he'd have no money and no home. He would probably find another woman to live on, as, despite his lack of good looks, he is very obliging and brilliant at maintenance and single men are in short supply at that age. I'd be on my own for the rest of my life, I am a loner, have no surviving family. I am seriously considering giving him some capital to live on to assuage my guilt if I chuck him out. Legally, he has no claim to my £.

He likes the nice lifestyle I provide, so he won't leave volontarily. I would feel relieved if he did. Should I get a life and risk future loneliness now, should I go off for a year on my own leaving him in the house, or stay, sacrifice the travel and carry on working to subsidise him, and try not to carp, but count my blessings. Thanks

Without being rude, you seem to have had a lot of money to throw give to this man!

I am sure he is quite happy to forgo sex for the benefits he has with you, as he seems unable to support himself, or even organise his life so he can earn more and support himself.

What comes over in your posts is a complete lack of loving feeling for him. A sense of responsibility yes, but not love.

I think you should be asking yourself whether you are being selfish holding on to him- when you could be setting him free so he can find a woman who wants him, fully.

The situation you describe is of you looking after an over grown child- it seems a parent-child relationship.

I think the decent thing to do is to set this man free, as you really don't want him.

Andy why should you be ashamed of having had counselling if it is ever asked on an OH form- which I doubt anyway.

Having counselling does not mean someone has some kind of mental health issue, or an illness.

ameliagrey - he is free to go! he is an adult as you say, and should know what is for his own good. or do you mean that I give him half the house and say off you go and love someone else, it's for your own good. now that's treating him like a child and patronising. if i end it it will be because I think it's for my good. He has the same privilege.

he knows I don't love him. I've told him I'm incapable of love, I don't know what it is, the word means nothing to me. that was a few years ago. I can still be affectionate, caring, generous, warm and kind to him. he still chose to stay.
i think i have acted decently towards him. i've been honest. My friends think I am mad to have paid his debts, and they don't know the half of it.

Im not all bad. maybe a pessimist. look at my advice on here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1287135-He-doesnt-want-to-marry-me-Long

lifechanger I think a narrow boat would be a bit slow for me, but thanks. I do have happy memories of an almost boyfriend who had a narrowboat in the midlands.

why on earth should she give him half the increased value of the house?
I am absolutely speechless at this suggestion.

It's a good job that are not married - that is exactly what she might be forced to do if she were and it would be totally unfair.He has sponged off her for years.

To clarify , in Scotland that would NOT happen either . So called "common law " spouses have limited rights since the family law Scotland act (2006, from memory) but these would specifically exclude a claim on OPs house.

Do NOT give him any more money.

Good God, I was reading your post OP and thinking 'has someone resurrected one of my old threads' as that was me eight months ago.

Without the desire to travel in a camper but plagued by the same sort of sense of responsibility as comes through in your opening post OP.

Apologies i haven't read the whole thread but LittleHouse is right (waves) - I am sooo much happier without the person millstone of a partner I had.

Oh how i tortured myself over what would happen to him if left. For precious years which I do now somewhat regret wasting.

I'm astonished that this man of yours has had so much money from you and continues to be a drip, happy to continue living off your inheritance and efforts.

I say to hell with the guilt - keep reading on here for a while OP and it really will help you to realise that making yourself happy first and foremost is not selfish, its a pleasure and your main 'duty' in life.

Btw - I bloody love camper vans - can I come (and pay my OWN way?)

:)

"i think i have acted decently towards him. i've been honest"

Yes, CountryDreamer it does sound it from what you've said.

Sorry, have got proper keyboard in front of me now and any chance to get back on my favourite soap box (how MN released me from a huge sense of responsibility for a grown adult)

I do understand so well the sense of care you feel towards your partner. It took me 10 years to even begin to understand that I'm really not responsible for another human being.

Am with the posters who say you owe him nothing. He's already had more care and consideration and financial help than a lot of receive in a lifetime.

Just wanted to add some practical notes really - my ex was v. similar to yours in fact I think his wage was and to this day is much lower than mine.

So, him being able to afford to live was what consumed me the most. In the end when I plucked up courage to tell him I'd had enough he (after some crocodile tears, many sorry's, bunch of flowers etc went back to live with his mother where as far as I know he still is.

That of course may not be an option for your partner if you do decide to call time on your relationship.

It hardly seems very fair after all he's already had from you but, in the interests of being fair to him, I think it might be reasonable to tell him it's over, you're not happy and give him reasonable notice to move out.

Perhaps offer to help him look for a flat/house-share and pay the deposit for him (even on £12,000 pa that's affordable) then change the locks at your place on the appointed day.

Crank up some music on the appointed day and MN if he comes round pleading to be let back in. :)

Someone on here often says 'you don't OWE anyone a relationship' - if that's not what you want and I think they're very right.

Ok, that's quite enough of what me, myself and I think for now :)

Sending you good vibes and hoping you'll be able to reach your happy ever after sooner rather than later!

ameliagrey - he is free to go! he is an adult as you say, and should know what is for his own good. or do you mean that I give him half the house and say off you go and love someone else, it's for your own good. now that's treating him like a child and patronising. if i end it it will be because I think it's for my good. He has the same privilege.

said no such thing!

He earns enough to rent somewhere, if you want him out give him £1k he can pay a month in advance and a months deposit on a flat with that.

After that he is on his own.

It is not your fault that he cannot stand on his own two feet. The longer you stay together the more you will resent him. If you don't love him anymore he deserves the right to be with someone who does.

You also deserve a life of happiness not of one that you hate.

If you don't fancy him and never have, then leave and find someone that can make you happy. 51 is relatively young in the great scheme of things. There is still a life of love and intimacy potentially waiting for you somewhere out there. Go and find it.

Bibi, great to see you. I remember your massive pre CHristmas dumping of ex thread. Great to hear you are doing well

OP

you wrote this:
he knows I don't love him. I've told him I'm incapable of love, I don't know what it is, the word means nothing to me. that was a few years ago. I can still be affectionate, caring, generous, warm and kind to him. he still chose to stay
i think i have acted decently towards him. i've been honest. My friends think I am mad to have paid his debts, and they don't know the half of it.

I had to come back to you on this, as for whatever reason it evokes a strong reaction in me.

have a read of what you wrote above.

On the one hand it's honest, on the other it is incredibly sad ( to admit you cannot love anyone- have you wondered why not or had some therapy to findout why??)

And on yet it's also cruel.

I think you are conveniently avoiding some truths here. The truth is that you have kept this man, like a bird in a guilded cage, as he gives you some things you need. You know that he has weaknesses, and not much money, which make it hard for him to stand on his own 2 feet.

So, although you say quite flippantly "Oh he has a choice- he can leave if he wants", you know that he is too weak and too dependent to do that.

You have spent years "rescuing him" from the consequences of his financial mistakes, so it's a bit rich ( 'scuse pun) to say "Oh he can leave if he likes" .

He will only go if you ask- which is why you do feel guilty- and needed to ask strangers for an answer.

You might not know what love is- how sad- but if you care for this man you will let him go, face life on his own, and maybe find a woman who gives him something more valuable than money- love.

Definitely dump this man, kindly but firmly. Unless he actually has some kind of SN he will not die or end up on the streets or in an instituation - as you yourself pointed out, there are plenty of women who are desperate for a single man in his 50s so he will soon get his feet under someone else's table.

I wonder if you have worn yourself out supporting this parasite because other people have tried to make you feel guilty about having no interest in couple-relationships. There is NOTHING wrong with preferring to be single. It's your life, and you should live it as you want.
Tell this man, as someone else said, that you are going to sell up and move, that you wish him well but that the relationship is over and give him a few months' notice.

ameliagrey - thanks for your interest, but sorry, what you're saying sounds bonkers to me. Here I am agonizing if it would be cruel and heartless to tell him to leave, and you are saying the opposite. He knows what love is, he has been happily married in the past. If he fell for someone else, and he does meet a lot of women in the course of his business, surely he would be no different to anyone else and take up the better offer. I am sure Lust /Love would outweigh anything else.

We don't have a cold unemotional relationship. He's not a wimp. I think he just enjoys having his bread buttered, what's wrong with that. My beef is that his presence in my life is holding me back from the chance of new experiences and travelling.

Does anyone else understand what she is saying? Especially BibbiBlocksberg?
Bibiblocksberg - many thanks for your posts. Given me much food for thought.
(oh dear what a lot of food )

Thanks to everyone for your interest and suggestions. Very useful info about how to end it, if needed. Thought provoking.

He may be free to go but why would he? He has a nice home and little responsibilites. He isn't going to chose to give that up when he would have to get off his backside to sort himself out a place to live.

ameliagrey, I really don't understand your long post - I have tried as you obviously put a lot thought and time into it.
countrydreamer is in no way keeping him in a gilded cage - there is no cage , all the doors are wide open but countrydreamer is basically too kind and polite to shove him out .

countrydreamer I have stayed in relationships far beyond their sell by date out of politeness, I do understand .I always found it hard to leave someone if I did not actively hate them .Of course that meant I would end up hating them.
It is something I would do differently if I could go back to the start

COuntrydreamer, please have a read through lots of relationship threads here . You will find many many women who feel trapped in unsatisfying relationships but who feel they can't leave for reasons of a) children b) finances.

You have neither of these. You are in a very fortunate situation, and you sound like a very kind person, and it is your kindness that stops you calling time on your relationship.

Actually as others have pointed out, it would be kind to ask him to go, he just would not see it straight away.

CD- what's bonkers about saying that you are sad for not having experienced love. or that this man has been enabled or rather disabled by your generosity?

Those of you who can't see the metaphor with a cage- well- wake up a bit!
If you actually read and think about what i wrote it's clear. hH has been "kept" by the OP so much that at 58 he can't stand on his own two feet. And at the same time the OP admits he has his uses- cooking, company, and DIY. She seems to be using him as much as he is using her.

Sorry if that sounds too complicated, but it's pretty clear to me.

I don't understand you OP ( either)!

if this was a real partnership, you would be happy for him to carry on living in your home while you went off on your travels. he is not physically stopping you- is he?

You would continue to pay the bills for your home as you do now. he would only need to buy his food etc- quite possible on £12K a year.

Unless you sell your home you would still need to maintain it and pay council tax etc when you were travelling.

So what exactly is the issue?

Re-rreading your first post- are you wanting to sell your home so you can go away?

You don't say that- you say you don't want to pay the bills and he doesn't earn enough to do so- are you sure?

If he earns £12K then surely that covers bills and food if there is no mortgage?

What's more telling is that you say I could go on my own but he'd be really upset.

why?

As an after thought CD - why not think of this problem as 2 separate issues?

First is sort out the relationship which is doing neither of you any favours- you aren't in love, he isn't in love, it's just a habit, a convenience for each of you, and a kind of 2nd best for you both.

Once you have sorted that out, the rest will follow.

If he is not part of your life any more then you can do what you want.

You both deserve more than what you have.

hi
thank you so much for your messages. I've been quiet because I'm trying to think. And I shall have to go on thinking for quite a while. And will read other posts here.

In the meantime I'm trying to get myself more in order before I rock the boat, if I do. No point in upsetting him, if I do, until I've sorted myself out some more. I am doing well, have lost 2 stone this year, would like to lose a little more by Christmas, am getting fitter, look better and am more confident as a result, and I am grasping a few nettles.

One of those nettles was asking what you all thought. I must admit I posted at a time when I was feeling really really fed up and had been away from home and looking back at the two of us through a long telescope, but I do not feel like that all the time and not when I'm at home with him, hence the need for a lot more thinking.

When I feel more comfortable in my own skin and organised, I will probably go for a few days, then a month's travel test, and see how it goes.
Thanks to everyone.

good luck, countrydreamer!

Hi from me, too, countrydreamer. I've only got a couple of things to say to you.

1] This: He is a millstone round my neck. I don't love him, I am fond of him. I have never fancied him is a horrible thing to say. You seem to have done some kind of deal with yourself, and you've treated him well practically, but you're not in any kind of a useful relationship. You insult him and undersell yourself.

2] I have a friend whose dream is to travel in a camper van. He bought the van, kitted it out beautifully, and had his financial affairs all set up to free him and his wife for life on the road. She had a heart attack and never fully recovered, plunging rapidly into Alzheimer's. She died last year. My friend has not recovered from his grief, now also has Alzheimer's, and has little money left. Dreams don't wait forever.

Unfortunately, an awful lot of people do a kind of deal with themselves wherein they form a heteromonogamous relationship with someone who is basically OK, bedause of the immense cultural pressure to practice heteromonogamy. Heteromonogamy is not a bad way to live, of course, it suits some people, but it really doesn't suit others. And because it is perceived as pretty much compulsory, a lot of people engage in it out of desperation and/or inertia - either 'I have no partner, I must have a partner to be accepted as a valid, functioning adult... You'll do!' or 'I've been dating you and shagging you for a while, you are nice, I like dating and shagging you, everyone we know is moving in together/getting married/having babies, maybe we should do that too because you are nice and I like being around you, and I can't be bothered to start the whole procedure again...' And then it all goes horribly wrong.