So how would you describe your relationship with yourself?

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

How do you see yourself, and what kind of relationship do you have with yourself?

How does it work on a day to day basis? what is your inner monologue like? What gestures and behaviours show how you see/ feel about yourself?

What cues do you think you give to others about the way you feel about yourself? what unconscious cues give away the true nature of your relationship?

(mine is screwed up and i want to get some insight and understanding from others)...

on go, please share, I am so interested to understand...

Can I have a chocolate Victoria sponge please reeling? Cheers honey!

garlicnutter, have just seen your comment on the other thread and am preening self having got praise from one of my favourite posters (i got a house point from the head girl, yay emoticon! polishes nails on lapel of brazer smugly)...

i am far too externally motivated, never having been encouraged to be a person, just a role and a cipher for others, so rather late in life trying to build myself into a real person pinnochio style ('look, i am a real boy'!). It was about 10 months that i finally noticed that i don't actually exist, so was a bit of a shock to find that when I looked inside, the cupboard was bare...

if i was another person in my life... i'd be the distant friend of friend, or person who you know the face of, but never get beyond hello's... and i am trying to initiate a closer friendship, but she keeps retreating over the horizon... (however i act like the evil bully when she spends time with me so am not surprised poor girl)

So far, i am beginning to sketch out a bit of a me-shape that i am rather interested to get to know... i could potentially be quite fun to be around, and maybe if I could get myself to love me, i'd be damned good to myself...

i am kind, and have a huge capacity to love, i'm creative, tenacious and unashamedly (well, trying to rid the urge to fit in and be normal anyway!) eccentric, and i have a good gallows humour that sees me through nicely, though means people think i haven;t grasped the point, or the seriousness of whatever it is...

i am also a worrier, wherriter and a wobbly whale... and i am an expert at pretending to reveal the whole of me without revealing anything about me at all (which makes me sad, and people dont get to know me)

and i am a judgemental bitch to myself, which is something i'd never be to someone else, so i have to STOP IT (hence the thread... the search for enlightenment)

FabbyChic can I offer you a slice of battenburg - i feel like i was inadvertently rude...

Hey Double Im going to have to decline the battenburg cos it is not chocolate!

How do I see myself? Cheeky, funny, witty, sarcastic, loud! I do have some good points. Oh a great friend if I could find someone where I live to be friends with, hey ho.

Doublelife, I think I get you.
I am very critical to myself and threatened by (some) others, making me at times defensive. But I am very good at being social- read others well, make myself understood, make others feel listened to. As I get older I am less bothered about others, but it is still huge really. I do make time to think and reflect, but I am very critical of all those around me and myself. (I once had a mug that siaid 'I am surrounded by Idiots' and that about sums it up.

But do i actually really know who I am- not sure- I think I have just got to know a silhouette or outline or charicature of myself- not all of myself.
Spend a lot of time being dutiful and making sure things are done properly.
Jealous of selks

Death by Chocolate Fabby (dutifully served)

relationship with myself? - Narcissistic.

hmm, some ppl see me as quiet and reserved, shy unassuming and nervous.

some ppl see me as a loud mouthed, slightly gobby hyper active cold hearted bitch.

i see myself as very placcid, easy going relaxed and generally laid back. i dont get het up often so when it does happen everyone knows im mad/upset/happy etc im very closed off emotionally, i hate to expose myself that way.

i am pretty happy being me, even tho im a hypocrite to myself on a daily basis.

I often say to my DP and best friend that I have a form of body dismorphia, but the opposite and about my "self"

In my head I am great at everything I do, and would be great at anything I decided to do. For a long time I felt I had a lot of time to prove this, to myself or/and others, but it didn't really matter as I knew it to be true.

But if you look at the facts it's actually the opposite, I'm quite bad at the things I decide to undertake, not finishing a task is a big problem for me. I'm good at excusing myself too, but the bottom line is, as pointed out by a friend once, it's inexcusable, I really could have finished the things I started but simply didn't. What a lazy arse.

It's a slow realization, but it has dawned on me gradually, it's a little scary and has shook my original belief. The truth is I'm not that great, I've acheived sweet fuck all and I may well fail at the next thing on my list to tackle. The thing is time is running out, what happens when you are old and haven't acheived anything? Do you keep trying or just be?

I think i'm ok

I was very self aware when younger, not so much now. Ive accepted myself. I no longer want to fix myself to suit other people, Ive accepted myself and face and no longer feel the need to adjust my face to suit others. .

I've had a boat load of surgery and illness this year so this may be why? But now i'm happy that I have got a pretty good life, kids and husband and i'm happy pretty much with who I am and what i've got. (Would like to add was always happy with the husband and children bit)

I,ve accepted that I cannot change what happened in my childhood and have finally moved on.

I have a hard core and a funny affectionate outer and dont hold grudges x

I think i'm basically content, but it hasn't always been the case.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved - wow this thread has taken off!

One of my friends was once praising an event that I'd organised and I made some dismissive comments about it. She responded with 'Don't you ever give yourself credit for a job well done?' and when I thought about it I had to say that no i don't - I only ever see what went wrong, what could have gone better and what I could have done but didn't.

I think I'm like that about my whole life!

I'm very, very hard on myself. My consellor said to me "Do yo think you would speak to or treat other people as badly as you speak to or treat yourself". The answer is a clear no. Along with other factors, being hard on myself has destroyed my self esteem. Outwardly, I'm the perfect example of someone living the dream - people want my life. The problem is that I don't want my life!! I'm on the long road to discovering what I really want and changing direction. It takes a lot of strength when you have what everyone else wants. Not sure I've got that strength just yet, but I'm getting there.
And you can't talk about these things as easily when you're a man. These forums (and my counsellor) are a lifeline!

Great thread Double!

I had to think hard. After a tough couple of years during which I have had to face up to my own vile behaviour and understand it I now like myself again.

In my head is a chatty cheerful voice that approves of me, and is proud of how much work I have done changing my behaviour. I have gone from angry mean cheating unhappy wife to independent sunny single person who accepts flaws and protects the sensitive little soul inside who is hurt by criticism and inconsiderate behaviour. And is not responsible for everybody else's happiness at the expense of her own. And doesn't care what the world thinks!

I was where you are GiveMe, everybody thought I had the perfect life but the cost was my soul!

I am in a state of flux. Princess bluebell, my innerchild therapy creation, has helped me to start to love myself. She is my inner child so I can talk to her, but these days, she is also a magical fairy godmother, protecting only me. Mumbo jumbo? Don't care, it works for me. :)

It's funny though that sometimes, as others have said, a random sentence can completely change the way you feel about yourself. I can think of three ocasions just off the top of my head.

My first therapist asking if I was going for a sainthood? I laughed, she didn't.

Drummer in a band asking why I couldn't just say thank you when someone complimented me. Always had to come up with reason "why". I started just saying thank you after that.

And the woman at the desk in the students union, dealing with a bolshi student. I couldn't believe the way she completely and utterly diffused the whole situation so effortlessly, in one sentence. I had a life of chaos, conflict and criticism, so this was a real revelation.

Just to add....I look at my facebook pages, and can see that the way it looks from the outside is radically different to the way it feels inside.

If only people really knew.

Wow. All these posts are so thought provoking... I thought there would be much more of a common language or ideal, makes me feel rather privileged to be allowed into your most personal & private relationship.

Will post more later but just wanted to say, I am feeling all warm & fuzzy & actually proud to be a human, & be part of the same v complex & thoughtful & good species... Not often I like humans these days, quite astonishing!

Dont know what I'm like tbh...would like to find out sometime though...too bloody busy atm

I dont know. I'm trying not to be so hard on myself, but at the same time trying to recognise my faults and changing them. It's a bit difficult when those two things are fighting each other.

I love my own company, sometimes even crave it. If people call or text me too much I begin to feel suffocated and will push them away.

At the same time, I feel as though I am alone and want that to change but have no idea where to start.

I know I am a bit lost for the time being and it's going to take time to find out who I really am. Until then though, I will continue to be a little unsecure, lacking in confidence and lacking in trust.

One good thing I have found out is that I can be mentally strong, even though I am a bit of a mess at the moment.

It's a horrible way to be but one I think that will be beneficial once through it.

Not as good as I'd like it to be. This sounds weird, but I am simultaneously self critical and laissez-faire. I want to be nicer to me, but I find it really difficult. How can anyone else like me if I don't? I want to like me, but I don't know how to go about it. Bugger, now I have tears.

Haven't had chance to read through fully, but really interesting thread, so posting here to give it a bump

I am 46
I know I am loved very much and that has given me confidence over the last 21 years to be free to pursue interests with the support of my DH.

I am mostly happy with my self but I am often unsettled and have a constant need to be planning the next adventure whether it be a new trip, new activity or hobby. Dh helps to facilitate my dreams.

I feel sad seeing my face go older and will do a lot to look good.

I used to love having lots of time alone but over the last year or so I have changed. I feel lucky that most of my friends have been friends for over 10 years and the more recent ones I feel are here for the long haul.

I love being a mum and enjoying the boys more and more as they have got older (15 and 110

I have the same interests and tastes that I did as a teenager eg independent cinema, gigs, theatre, mountain biking, travelling, mountain walking. The big difference now is that I can afford to do more of it.

Not sure what else to add.

I feel very very grateful for what I have. I know it isn't as much as others and it is a lot more than some. Where ever I am in the scheme of things I am happy at the moment.

I have a really confused relationship with myself.

I think if I knew me socially, I would like me. I'm quite funny, friendly, can talk to anyone, a good listener, non-judgmental, quite bright etc.

BUT

If I was in a close relationship with me, I would find me very difficult to live with, as I find intimacy very difficult, can be demanding, attention-seeking and ambivalent, in that I want intimacy, but find it hard to cope with. I can be bad tempered, anxious and generally a pain in the arse.

I'm in the process of working out whether this is a result of a sickness in my current relationship, or something wrong with me.

And I look at photos of myself when I was young, and I know I am letting that girl down. It makes me very sad.

I'm like 'Selks' though I'm not very sociable. I'm a brilliant mother and very good friend. I have very close lifelong friendships but I don't have acquaintances and I don't/can't do small talk. I have tons of baggage though and wish wish wish I could rid myself of myself of my bitterness and sadness to do with my exh and my crap disloyal family who I have cut all contact with.

It was when I was 40 that I realized that I really like myself.

Fabby, I can't work you out at all but I think you're ok

My relationship with myself is in transition.

I used to hate the way I looked, and hate myself. I literally would say "I hate myself" out loud about 20 times a day. Unsurprisingly, I was raised by a narcissistic mother, a neglectful enabling father, and went straight from their home into the arms of my verbally, emotionally and physically abusive stbxh. So the contempt I received from those closest to me, and the self-hatred I directed at myself, were self-reinforcing.

Stbxh is now being divorced. I am going through therapy and understanding a LOT more about how I function and why. I still do not like what I see in photos and in the mirror. But the voice in my head that would constantly say violent and hateful things about me only makes very infrequent appearances now. I am becoming far less anxious, far less of a perfectionist. I can now simply say "thank you" when I receive a compliment, instead of rejecting it. I am still scared of reaching out to others, but I have the courage to do it more frequently because I now believe that others probably do like me, and I do not take rejection as proof that I am unlovable. I am able to believe, now, that I am loved by a number of good people, and that I am OK just as I am. I am aware that I have skills, talents, and a voice that deserves to be heard. And I now deeply believe that I need not accept nasty treatment. I feel a lot stronger and more content with myself. I am excited that this is only the beginning of my self-discovery, and that I am likely to become even more confident and accepting of myself with time.

I also find that, the more I accept myself, the more easily I can accept others just as they are, too.