My husband, whom I love, is an alcoholic. When we got together he was sober/ in recovery, though of course he told me about his problems. Perhaps naively, I thought that they were in the past. We got married. I got pregnant. He started drinking again. And stopped again. And started again. And stopped again. And started again. Etc. The bouts usually last around six weeks to two months.
He's neither violent nor abusive when drunk. "I'm not a bad drunk," he'll claim. But he's a different person. I can tell, immediately, when he's been drinking - even after one beer. His speech slurs. His eyes go funny. And he becomes repetitive, confused, argumentative, defensive, and not at all amusing. He's also a non-functioning alcoholic, so, towards the end of the bout, he starts drinking all day, every day. I'd come home from work to find him passed out on the sofa, time and time again. Since having DS (now 13 months) I've been working from home - I thought that if I was here, he wouldn't be able to drink. But he can. He hides it from me. Bottles under the bath etc. And denies it and denies it until I think I'm going mad, before finally he breaks down and confesses what I knew all along.
And then we'll get through three/ four/ five/ six months of blissful happiness, when he's not drinking, and we're happy, and I'm lulled into a false sense of security about its never happening again. Or at least, not for a while.
But it's just started again. And I don't know what to do. It terrifies me, on a number of levels:
1.) He's freelance, but if he screws up, the same company aren't going to hire him again, and word will get around, and he won't earn anything, which means that I will have to manage everything.
2.) It's really bad for his health. All three alcoholics I have known of have died young, in their forties/ fifties. I love him. I don't want him to die.
3.) While I say I love him, I don't like him when he's drinking. He's no company. And it screws up my life - I'm unable to make plans, i.e. invite people around, because I don't know what state he's going to be in. I can't ever go and do what I'd planned to do in the evening, because I won't leave him alone with DS. Which means that I'm home, all day, alone (DS adorable but not a great conversationalist, yet) and have nothing to look forward to but a drunk,messy, argumentative husband appearing at some point and passing out.
I always vowed that I wouldn't bring my children up in an alcoholic household. But I love my husband. And I don't want to be a single parent. I don't think that I can afford to be a single parent.
DH has been to AA (which he hates), had cognitive behavior therapy (which he dissed), had a session of hypnotherapy, etc. etc. I no longer drink myself, ever. There's no alcohol in the house (at least, none that I've put here.) I been angry, I've been understanding, I've cried, I've laughed, I've ignored him. I don't know what else to do. Nothing seems to work. DS is still too young to be aware of what's going on, but in the future?
I don't know what to do.