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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The Other Woman

18 replies

MadAboutHotChoc · 23/08/2011 19:33

The OW from my H's affair was a mutual friend and unfortunately she is part of our wider social scene so avoiding her forever will be almost impossible. We have not seen her since the end of the affair but I need to prepare myself in case we bump into her.

Any tips please?

OP posts:

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 23/08/2011 19:45

Be dignified. Cool and calm and dignified.

MadameOvary · 23/08/2011 19:48

How do you feel? Are you still feeling very heated about it, or have you managed to move on? If the latter then it will be easier to be cool and detached. If the former then I would give yourself more time.

If you just happened to bump into her - poker face. Let your mind go blank, even of you feel murderous. In other words, fake it till you make it. You'll be fine. She doesn't deserve any energy wasted on her.

DaydreamDolly · 23/08/2011 19:53

Does she know that you know? If so, is she likely to initiate conversation if you bump into her? What sort of social situation might you be in when/if your paths may cross?
If it is possible, I'd say completely ignore her unless she I initiates conversation, and if she does, be polite but cold, calm and dignified.
I feel for you.

Aislingorla · 23/08/2011 20:00

Similar situation, I avoid her and look right through her if she is anywhere near me. She is uncomfortable in these situations because she made such a fool of herself. Convinced she had met the love of her life and was utterly shocked when he finished it!

limetrees · 23/08/2011 20:02

Like people have said, this is about dignity. Maintain your dignity. Your H and the OW should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves and it is for them to be embarrassed in a social situation, not you.

stargazy · 23/08/2011 20:08

Seen your posts Madabout and that your DH has done all he can to repair the damage as did mine in aftermath of his EA. I see OW 2/3 times a month in a work situation as have to take care of customers in an area he used to cover.DH and I run work in an industry that necessitates one or other of us dealing with companies in her area.After discovery he immediately severed contact,changed his number and hasn't seen her since.When I do see her I remain cool calm and dignified as Magnificent suggests.No mean feat in early days.I was so angry could have easily lost it and slapped her!She knows what I thought about her(and his) behaviour as rightly or wrongly I talked to her.
Since then I just nod and say hello if paths cross directly but try to have as little to do with her as possible.We are good and strong now -altho I can still get down days if I think about it too much so I try not to dwell on her anymore.Heard a good expression other day-don't allow OW to live in your head rent-free!Good luck if you see her.

Original poster

MadAboutHotChoc · 23/08/2011 21:25

Madame - I have mixed feelings about her, the main feeling is that I really do not want to see her again but realistically that's unlikely to happen. I think faking calm is probably the best I can do for the moment and I have been keeping a low profile socially as I just feel sick at the thought of seeing her.

Daydream - she knows I know (she was my friend) although I have not given her a piece of my mind much as I would love to. I would hope she wouldn't dare initiate a conversation with me, but if she did then I would want to just ignore her as there is nothing I can say to her that would be polite!!!

Stargazy - love that expression!

OP posts:

DaydreamDolly · 23/08/2011 22:30

Just remember you have nothing to be ashamed of, she does. If she has a shred of decency she would avoid going to social occasions that she suspects you and your H to be at. If she doesn't, she deserves any treatment you wish to dole out on her.
Although to be honest seeing the two of you together and strong should be enough revenge (if that's the right word) for you.

AnyFucker · 23/08/2011 22:34

Stay cool and aloof

If she was your friend, she knows what she has done

A brief but seaching eye contact is more than adequate, then walk straight past

AnyFucker · 23/08/2011 22:35

searching

Aislingorla · 24/08/2011 09:25

Have to share this..
Bit of background first.
I discovered my DH's affair over 2 years ago, he told her (politely) they were finished and worked on the marriage. Enduring lots of 'ups and downs' and doubts (on my part) we are now stronger and hapier than ever.
However, the OW works in the same company as him (moved from her branch in France, so convinced they were destined to be together!)and now 'gently' stalks him (and me).Yesterdyay, she was jogging near our house! She lives the other side of town! She befriends colleages that work closley with my DH (those friendships never last, T.G). Lots more examples.
It has been said by a poster when I wrote about this before that My DH must be in some way encouraging her. He's not!
I am so much more secure in our relationship now that I actually find it funny and pity her.

Aislingorla · 24/08/2011 09:26

'colleagues' that is!

Aislingorla · 24/08/2011 09:27

and 'happier'!

Original poster

MadAboutHotChoc · 24/08/2011 10:00

Daydream - she does not possess any decency at all as she was going through a divorce due to her H's affairs so she knows too well what its like to be the betrayed party.

Aislingorla - Couldn't your H change jobs? I don't think I could cope with the dramas that inevitably come with that kind of scenario - I would just want her completely out of the picture.

As for jogging near your home, I personally would find the idea of OW stalking us very disturbing esp since I have children to protect...

OP posts:

Aislingorla · 24/08/2011 10:17

No need for him to change MadAbout, it's his problem, really, they never actually work together and he ignores/blanks her (hates the reminder of his massive mistake).So she has given up trying to start a conversation.
As I said it's 'gentle' stalking, sad more than threatening.
The kids are unaware of her . They are tall,handsome teens and would not even notice her!
Being 2 years on makes a lot of difference to my wellbeing. H has not put a foot wrong since discovery.

Shiveringtimbers · 24/08/2011 10:23

I dunno, why should you be dignified and polite to some bitch that shagged your husband?

Original poster

MadAboutHotChoc · 24/08/2011 11:18

Aislingorla - I suppose it makes a difference being 2 years down the line. Its good to know that you both are now much happier.

Shivering - I would so love to give her a piece of my mind, but knowing my luck its bound to backfire or god forbid turn into a public brawl.

OP posts:

Shiveringtimbers · 24/08/2011 12:43

I would just blank her completely .In every way act as if she didn't exist. Never look at her, never engage with her and actively ignore her if she spoke to me.

Anyone who thinks it's okay to fuck someone else's husband doesn't exist, in my book.

But then I wouldn't have had my DH back, either but I guess that's a different thread!

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