what is she getting

[morepositive]

I have posted previously under a different name .I found out in Feb that my EP had been cheating on me with a women from work, When I found out he informed he wanted out of our25 year relationship.I did have a breakdown and did not cope well
He had told her we were already over and many other numerous lies (usual stuff) I contacted her and let her know the truth and she still stayed.
He has been with her coming up to a year now. It was a very bitter and acrimonious split
She hasn?t met any of his family.He did not invite her to a family wedding last week
She certainly hasn?t met our DS who hates her
We have started talking again, he comes straight from work for tea twice a week and we eat out once a week
We take the dog a walk holding hands
He has told me he has no intention of moving in with her, currently living at his mums , he does stay with her 2 nights pw
He is adamant he does not want children with her (he did tell me he was having difficulty getting it up !)
She is 12 yras younger than him and I would imagine at 35 may want these things, I don?t know what I?m asking here but within a year
He?s cheated on her lied to her
Continued to go on holiday with us
Continues to eat here
I suppose I am wondering what she could possibly be getting out of the relationship

Oh, lightbulb.

Love he has been ABYSMALLY CRUEL to you and you are still hanging on for him?

that way only true madness lies.

What IS it going to take for you to get some self esteem and stand up and demand that this twunt either MANS UP and is a proper father/husband to his remaining DS and his bereaved DW or leave you both the hell alone.

What on earth are you teaching your DS about relationships, that you can treat women as commodities, shun them and smarm all over them when it suits and they'll both be lapping it up?

The ONLY chance you have to get him back is to be strong, be independent, be happy with yourself, and live a life you always dreamed of. being clingy, needy and hanging on his every word is tiresome and means he doesn't have to work for it, there is no thrill, there is no chase.

You have to END this relationship with him in order to have any chance at all of getting him back.

But I am willing to bet that once you have done as I suggest, become happy, independent, self confident and loving your life, YOU won't want HIM back.

He certainly doesn't deserve you.

Don't for the love of god send a letter to the OW, 1, she'll know you are rattled, and 2, you seriously think OW have any morals?

You want a man back who cited your grief over the loss of your child as a reason for leaving?

Really?

If you want him back , stop being so available, stop being so needy, hard at first but only then will he appreciate the woman you are. But guess what, when he realises that , by then you will really will have become less needy of him, you will enjoy not being so available and realise what a prick he is and that you deserve more and that he is no big catch.
He is disrespecting her too, discussing his sex life with you is arrogant beyond belief
You have to take control.
Walk away, distance yourself and then look back and you will see this man for what he is.

When you say but within a year He?s cheated on her do you mean 'cheated on her' with you or someone else?

I just say this quote - no name to it, but I thought it really apt and poigniant.

"Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak
? sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go"

He has told me he will always love me but because of all we have been though over the last 5 years and the way i was he can't be with me

HE can't be with YOU, because of the way YOU reacted to him fucking another woman. He's a comedian.

So this is all your fault , jesus it would have all been so simple if you hadn't been mad at him fucking someone else then, right?

He's laughing at both of his women now. You're the Other Woman now. By the way there's probably more than just the 2 of you on the go.

Please please don't let this man do this to you.
I have been in the exact same position as you. My marriage broke up in Feb. I found out H was seeing someone else but I wanted him back. We two had lovely family days out with the DC's. He would eat here 2/3 times per week, we would go out for meals etc. I encouraged him to spend as much time with me & the DC's as I thought his GF would get fed up move out and he would come back. I too wondered what she could be getting out of their relationship. (but I now know I was clutching at straws you never know whats going on in other peoples relationships)
Fast forward to present he has bought a house with her and she's pregnant. He always played down their relationship and this gave me hope but he was planning a new life with his GF while having lovely days out with us . This was a bolt from the blue he didn't tell me I found out by myself, I don't think he would have told me as he is a coward.
Your H (like my H) is having the best of both worlds. I know its hard to accept but he has left you, he is now with someone else and you don't know anything about their relationship. You have to move on and do not blame yourself you were not the cause of your break up. Whatever your problems he should have supported you. Reading through the posts on MN its a common thing for women to blame themselves and alot of men will make you think it's your fault to relieve their own guilt.

When I came on to MN for advice on how to get him back the mums told me to wake up and smell the coffee, but I thought like everyone does my case is different, we still love each other etc etc. And I was upset at some of the comments. But most on MN have been through similar and are talking sense.
Now look whats happened I'm devestated and back to square one. Although I now realise he is a spineless coward, who was too weak to tell me what was really going on.
Please listen to the advice on here, you need to build your self confidence.
You are worth more than this

Sending you hugs x

Thank you all so much for the supportive responses they mean so much. I KNOW you are all right, its just so dificul
If this had happened before loosing my DS i would have kicked him out and had little contact but the loss of a child changes everything about you and things you might do to cheer yourself up following a split i find difficult because of the grief for my DS
Another aspect of loosing a child is that you loose friends that you awlays would be there for you and i hate meeting new people as the first thing most people ask is how many children do you have
this is why i am such a needy pathetic wreck but i will take on board all the advice you lovely people have given me and try my best to detach
thank you xxx

You poor thing, you have had far too much to cope with and if he really thought anything of you, he wouldn't be torturing you like he is now.

He probably thinks he is letting you down gently, while all the time he is throwing you out signals that give you unrealistic hope.
I can promise you he has no intention of returning to you at the moment.

Please have some counselling to help firstly with your bereavement, and ultimately tohelp you cope with your self esteem issues.

Have a hug, and look after yourself, but please stop thinking he might come back, because even if he did, you would never trust him and your whole relationship would be based on your neediness.

Your only option is professional help. Even if (and I would rate the likelihood of it being so as about one in a thousand) this man actually beleives that by spending time with you he is being kind rather than leading you on so he gets his ego stroked and his needs met by two women in return for very little effort on his part, it still isn't good for you. He does not love you! He has left you. And you need to concentrate on yourself now.

She is not a bitch and you need to stop thinking of her as such. If anything you should have some sympathy towards her. At least you got the wedding ring.

She has been lied to and cheated on by this man as much as you have. He was living with his mother and as far as he was concerned (even if you didn't know because he failed to tell you) he considered your relationship over.

Her only fault was to believe the lies and start a relationship with him who she considered a single man.

He has told you before that he is not coming back and taken her side over yours.

He is either doing what he feels is needed to stop you going off the deep end and ranting and raving or he is having his cake and eating it.

You are worth more. Only you can get this for yourself though.

You are not a needy pathetic wreck, he is lying through his teeth to you (and to her) he is being treacherous to the nth degree and is a poor excuse for a human being.

The day that you decide that enough is enough, that you have lost enough and are now going to live for you, for your remaining DS and the memory of the boy you lost, that a mere man who can't even be faithful, or have the balls to be honest is really not worth a second of your time.

Bin him. The sooner you do that, the sooner you can heal, the sooner you can live, and the sooner you can grow and lead your own family.

oh dear OP, where is your self esteem?

This "man" (and I put that in inverted commas as he seems more like a sad little boy) is no kind of prize! He is a cheating, lying piece of shit, and you let him!

You get the man you are prepared to put up with, and as you are prepared to put up with a cheater, liar, adulterer and advantage-taker, that is exactly what you have.

Why on earth are you letting him behave like this?

OP , I hope you heed the advise here chick.
Really it is better to be lonely on your own than lonely in a realtionship full of doubt, insecurities and low self esteem with a man so arrogant as him and who dared to use the loss of a child and your reaction to it as an excuse to leave a marriage.
Arrogant, sanctimonious self serving cretin. You deserve better and your child deserves better too.

Its hard but from someone who has been there trust me its the most amazing feeling when you wake up and realise your future is actually an adventure waiting to be had rather than a trial of trying to relight dead embers. You will get there, Lick your wounds for as long as you need, but they will heal quicker when you stop allowing the toxic presence of this man to infect them again and again.

Good luck OP and I sincerly hope you find peace and happiness x

Oh morepositive (is that really your nickname?)

'Thank you so much...I know you're all right...but...'

My heart goes out to you.

You weren't born to scratch for crumbs off his table.

Morepositive, what is in it for you? You have said that you still love him, that may be so, but it is not an answer to the question. So I will ask you:

What are you getting out of this relationship?

You must be getting something, so let's look at that.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It does explain a bit more, about your actions and his tbh.

Have you had any counselling? There is so much more to this than just going off with someone else. You really do need some rl help.