I read a thread on here and then it seems to happen to me...

[MyHipsHurt]

Or is it because I'm just not facing up to my relationship with DH? I seem to see an awful lot of similarities on here and then they happen in real life, like I'm living a day behind the posts which then come true for me. At the moment the post about the DH's stroppy childish behaviour from bringonthesunshine (I think) is ringing very true for me. What do I do? I feel sick. I read all the great advice to someone else and then think, shit, that could have been written for me.

He acts like this to his family because he chooses to

If he was this aggressive to a bloke on the street he would get his lights punched out

He can turn it on and off, depending on his "audience"

You are never to blame. Your kids are not to blame. He is to blame. He is an inadequate man. But don't pity him. he chooses to do this, to make himself feel like the big man in his own home.

I am sorry for you, and I am sorry for your children. The best thing you could do for them is to remove them from his displays of power and control over you. A good father does not mistreat the mother of his children.

If you really can't afford counselling (I know it's expensive but maybe there are other things that could be done without??) maybe the Dr will refer you if you can find the courage to mention the sexual abuse.

Other than that self help is possible. I recently read 'Live in freedom' and 'Radical Forgiveness' which I found very positive.

I understand he is behaving terribly and I agree with the others regarding protecting yourself and your DC first.

Although individual counselling would be ideal, you can try self-help while you wait for a referral / if counselling is really unaffordable.

What do you need most right now?

• If you need to get your head round the fact that your H really is abusive and that his behaviour is not your fault nor within your capacities to alter, then read this.

• If you want to get your head round your childhood abuse and the fact that your feelings of inadequacy are the result of that, and that your parents' behaviour was never within your capacities to alter, then read this.

• If you want to heal from chidhood abuse as much as is possible without going back in time, then use this or this

• If you want protection for yourself and your DC, contact Women's Aid

• If you want to break out of the cycle of romantic relationships with abusive men, see if you can afford the Freedom Programme. They also have workbooks you can buy which could be cheaper (although, again, slightly less effective) than following the course.

Good luck. There is plenty of moral support available on MN whenever you feel you need it.

Thank u so much, I am going to have a read thru all of that. All your advice is really helping me see things a bit straighter. Apart from my marriage woes, I know I really have to take some action re the childhood abuse, its too much to deal with on my own and there are too many triggers in daily life. Made worse somehow cos my eldest dc is at the same age I was when the abuse started and it seems like it will never end for me. No contact with my 'family' is not enough for me to heal. I hoped that my H wad the one person I could rely on...

apart from the childhood abuse (although I do have N mother and N sister and luckily AMAZING brother :o and did have AMAZING dad until March ) and the painful hips I could have written all of yours. It's so sad. Why is this situation repeated all over the place? I don't feel unloveable I don't think but I DO understand exactly what H sees in me and it isn't my (ahem) many brilliant qualities, it's my earning power and my self-doubt. Perhaps it is just up to all of us to break this cycle of abuse and save our kids from the same fate. It's so easy to focus on the short-term with kids. But what they learn at home will stay with them (as well we know) for an incredibly long time and then they will have to take active steps to unteach themselves it. Is that what we really want for them?

HelpmeMn thank u for your input, sorry about yr dad that must still be very raw for u. Does yr H support u in yr grief?

I was also a great catch, own property, car, good earning power and very grateful for someone who loved me even though I was very independent and resigned to being on my own. After all I had done my job in being my mother's companion until she found another man to marry her, and then dump me again.

My hips do actually hurt but its more to do with still suffering from SPD since my pg 10yrs ago. I am struggling not to become completely disabled. I am not an easy person to live with because of this condition, I have bad days that are unpredictable and It's hard for family life. I do have to rely on H for a fair bit of domestic stuff.

I am at the cinema now with DCs as H is still not speaking and I thought they needed a treat and just get them away from that toxic home.

God, you poor thing. I had crutches for SPD with DD2 but luckily recovered at birth although my pelvis can still make some amazing noises when I go up stairs!

Yes, he was/is supportive re Dad.BUT he draws a lot of attention to his support. We had to go to a meeting at the hospital (it was negligence) which apart from his final 24 hours was absolutely the most traumatic experience of my life - me and my brother got shitfaced afterwards (talking a lot about whether I should leave, actually, he said on balance yes) - missed earliest train next morning and got major guilt about the work time I had 'taken' from him and needed to 'repay'. Also had some lovely photos of a holiday I went on with Dad and he said 'I'm not having those up' and accused me of being sulky and stonewalling him when I cried. He's also on two occasions corrected me when I've answered questions about how I'm feeling. But he has done mornings when I couldn't sleep and looked after girls so I could go down and see my stepmother when she couldn't face the noise and hecticness of them.

Ps enjoy cinema! What are you watching? X

You need to get yourself and your children out of this horrible situation. It's starting to have an impact on them and only you can change things. He's not going to change, he will get worse and more abusive as time goes on. I really think you should give Women's Aid a call, they can give you advice on how to safely leave/get him to leave. Once you're out of that relationship you'll be able to start healing from all the abuse you've experienced in your life.

HelpMe, we saw Cars2. It seemed to do the trick with the DCs (and me) we all came out a lot more chilled.

Got home and DH was obviously peeved that we'd all just gone out and left him for the afternoon. Coupled with the fact that I did not make him dinner last night (only for me and DCs), he was pretty pissed off. Enough in fact to start talking to me again. I said that I was not doing 'wifely duties' for someone who shouted at me and was mean to DC2 yesterday.

I eventually got him to understand that I (and others) see shouting as abuse. He preferred to call it 'being animated'. I told him clearly that it triggered childhood abuse memories for me (shouting in my face is part of what a brother used to do to me) and that I was NOT going to live with someone ever again who would treat me this way, even if it was only my perception that it was happening. He understood but said that I had never actually told him the detail of the abuse, so am considering telling him a bit more, although am reluctant because it is so painful. I told him that maybe I would be better talking to a trained counsellor rather than my H, but he said that he genuinely wanted to help. He is cross that he has had to take part in family occasions with the people who abused me (before he knew about the abuse).

I know now that I really need to get help to sort out my head before I can start living my life with any kind of normality and especially for my DCs sake so that I can be a better parent. Also to know whether i am over-reacting to anything that DH says or does as I think my perceptions are so skewed.

I have told him that I had considered the end of our marriage and that whatever has gone on in the last couple of days is very serious. I am going to be on my guard now for a bit and see what happens.

We need to communicate much better. I can only hope that this is the start of a better path. Thank you to everyone, I would have been in a complete mess if I hadn't had your very wise input. I have a lot of reading to do from the links on here and to decide if I go to my GP and spill the beans to get counselling, I think I am probably ready as I am so exhausted with keeping it all in my head and having no means of getting it all out.

MyHipsHurt, I'm certainly no expert but I'd really question the wisdom of opening up to your H about the details of your abuse right now. He's angry, you're vulnerable, and you don't seem to have very much trust in him right now. You need to be absolutely sure that the person you open up to is going to respond to what you say in a calm, non-threatening manner, and that you can trust them- really, it needs to be a trained professional. It's not going to help you if your H gets angry at your family, or brings up what you've said in an argument.

I hope that you can talk to your GP and get the help you need.

Inertia absolutely what I was thinking. I talked to him last night about stuff regarding my mother, but the other stuff needs to be listened to by somebody trained to respond to me in the right way otherwise I don't know how I will cope (well, I do but it's not a nice thought).

Apart from anything else, I really don't know if I want my H to know the details of what I suffered as a child from my half-brothers. I can't even write the words down on here.

I have to face up to it all sometime and this will probably involve me going to my GP and asking for help. God knows how I'm going to do that but there's no other way.

There's a big part of me that feels that I don't want my marriage tainted and shaped by my abusive childhood and that it should be a fresh start for me at last. Surely there are some things that your partner just shouldn't know aren't there?

I am also struggling with the urge to confront my abusers, but again I think I need advice on how to/if I should, do that.

I know now that I really need to get help to sort out my head before I can start living my life with any kind of normality and especially for my DCs sake so that I can be a better parent. Also to know whether i am over-reacting to anything that DH says or does as I think my perceptions are so skewed.

If anything, your perception is skewed to your DH's advantage, as you are still willing to discuss his abusiveness and give reasons for your discomfort with it. An unskewed view is that verbal abuse is unacceptable, point blank, regardless of any childhood memories it triggers for you.

I am also struggling with the urge to confront my abusers

I understand the urge to confront your abusers. There's a lot to be said for it, and a lot to be said for simple emotional detachment -- there are plenty of threads on here where many of us with experiences and families similar to yours are debating those points (the Stately Homes thread, and any thread with "dysfunctional family" or "narcissist mother" or someshuch in its title).

Confrontation should only happen when you feel strong and sure of yourself, though. When you are still feeling confused and vulnerable, your abusers will still have far too much capacity to hurt you in a confrontation and its fallout.

You sound like you know exactly what the next steps for you should be, and why, Hips. I admire how sorted you sound.

MyHipsHurt - would writing it down for your GP be easier? Not the details, but a brief explanation of what happened to you and what help you think you need. And maybe book a double appointment so you are not rushed.

Personally I don't think there's any issue of 'should' about what you tell your DH. It's about what is right for you - and it doesn't sound as if he is the right person to help you through this, certainly as a first step. And he is not trained to deal with this - the last thing you want is to have to deal with any fall-out from his reaction while in pieces yourself.

And, as ItsMe says, it should be a given that spouses deal with problems without becoming verbally abusive and aggressive towards one another. You should not have to justify feeling frightened or uncomfortable with your DH's agression by providing evidence of past abuse.

Apologies for raising another horrible issue, but are any children now at risk from the people who abused you ?

DH has been ultra supportive of my really crappy family and upbringing,he knows the lot, the physical, emotional an sexual abuse. I've confided in him 100% and it took me several years to tell him. He's been amazing in that regard.

We've had a really shit couple of years with bereavements, work, ill-health (mine) coping without any family support whatsoever. So it isn't surprising that we are not behaving as we should is it? He's always saying I'm too hard on myself and have too high standards.

I am not an easy person to live with because of this condition, I have bad days that are unpredictable and It's hard for family life. I do have to rely on H for a fair bit of domestic stuff.

I don't like the shoving you out of the way bit, and it certainly rings alarm bells. Having said that, what sort of impact have the last couple of years had on him?

Is it worth a bit of counselling together?