Please help me to build a relationship with my MIL.

[FriedaMer]

Sorry if this is long. Have never started my own thread but know enough about mumsnet to know I will get honest answers. :)

Have been with DH for 5 years and my relationship with MIL has always been strained and awkward esp since we had our two lovely boys, DS1 (2.5) & DS 2 (4 months). She is very interfering with the boys and never approves of my approach to bringing them up. Until recently I have put up with her coldness and domineering ways but things came to a head a month ago when my DH was abroad for a month working and I was alone with the boys.

MIL was coming round regularly to help with the DC's and her help was very much appreciated as my own family live 10 hours away. However she took over as usual and one day announced that she had arranged for BIL and his wife to take DS1 out for the day at the weekend. I was totally put on the spot and had to reply that I was not happy with that. BIL had been in 5 accidents in only 2 years at that point, (and has had another one since), and is quite honestly a danger on the roads. MIL was outraged about this critisicm of BIL and denied he had been in so many accidents and that the "2" that he had been in were just unlucky rear end shunts. (by the way I didn't actually say to MIL that he was a danger on the road, just that I wasn't happy about the accidents). At this point she did her usual quiet passive agressive number on me and didn't speak to me for the rest of the day, just giving huffy yes and no answers when i soke to her. As she was about to go home I decided to do something about the nasty atmosphere and told her i was aware she was annoyed at me but I really didn't want to fall out. She flew off the handle at this point asking me why I was verbally attacking her? I was not attacking her, just wanted to smooth out the situation and (despite wanting to scream at her) kept an even tone of speech the whole time. She flew out the door, slamming it in DS1's face and said she didn't have to take this from me and drove home.

Later she calls DH crying down the phone accusing me of being aggressive to her and demanding to know why we don't want BIL to be part of our family? . (A little background, BIL was sick as a child and she is fiercely protective of him despite the fact that he is a 6ft 30 year old hulk.) She also said I should have lied about the reason I didn't want BIL to have DS1 to spare her feelings!! (As mentioned before she totally put me on the spot and to be honest, whatever reason I would have given she would have had an answer to).

Anyway to cut a long story short it is DH's birthday coming up and we're all supposed to be going away for 3 days to celebrate. (Us with all the In-Laws, all booked and paid for already:( ). MIL has not spoken to me for 5 weeks now and I am dreading the horrible atmosphere that will inevitably ruin poor DH's time (and probably the rest of the family too). BIL knows nothing of the fall out as if MIL had told him she would have had to given him the reason for the fall out as well so he is calling DH all the time about what we're going to do while we're away. At this point tbh we don't think we're even going to go. :(

Poor DH is being so supportive of me as he know's exactly what his mum is like but it's very upsetting for him to be piggy in the middle. Also DS1 adores his Nan and is always asking for her. Please can I have some advice on how to patch up this relationship and actually build something nice with MIL. I really don't want this stupid arguement to carry on and ultimately ruin my relationship with DH's family.

Thanks and sorry for the long rant :(

ive always been of the opinion that one must do what they can to get on with their inlaws - however - if she is as annoying and difficult a syou describe then i would act like nothing has happened and keep her at arms length ... in a non obvious way iykwim ...

I think your husband should say, "Oh don't be silly, Mum. What are you talking about? OP was just nervous about DB's driving - you have to admit he's been in a lot of accidents lately. No stop making a fuss. Of course you get on."

Now stop, I mean.

Yikes your MIL sounds like a drama queen. What childish behaviour! Sorry your having to deal with this. I agree with others who say your DH needs to speak to his own mother about her outburst and subsequent ridiculous silent treatment. Sending a brief and light note might be good too - just don't take all the blame and grovel like a doormat. I would say I'm sorry she felt upset but not apologize as you didn't do anything wrong - she was way out of line making plans without consulting you.

She is an adult - be polite but firm and put the ball in her court. Hopefully she will come around sooner rather than later.

Oy OP I see your MIL has requested a meeting. Good greif this woman would annoy this shit out of me. Like a simple diagreement requires a formal meeting - sounds like an opportunity for more drama IMO . I agree - tell DP to convey that a meetings not necessary, just agree to disagree and move on.

DH and I have decided definitely decided a meeting is pointless. He is calling her tomorrow to say lets forget about the whole thing and move on. I intend to be polite as can be for DH's sake and see what happens. I'm not going to spend a lot of time to befriend her any more though. The ball is in her court for that now.

I think I've been hoping we could build a relationship as my own mum had a very difficult relationship with my grandparents when she first married my dad. They ended up being very close.

You may never achieve that if she is determined that everything should be about her though. I suspect this is a situation where getting everything out in the open may not actually achieve anything but just give her more reason to feel victimised.

SugarPaste, DH did mention to her already about BIL's driving. She absolutely denies his 5 (now 6) accidents and maintains he has had only 2 unlucky rear end shunts, (neither his fault). Talk about deluded!! FWIW apparently FIL agrees with us on the accident count but she remains steadfast! Like your 'never explain, never complain' mantra, good advice.

Thanks again so much for all your replies. I'm thrilled to have so many on my first thread. Off to bed now, DS2 will hopefully give me a good night!! :)

was for MIL not for your mantra btw!! Sorry, just looked at my last post.

I agree with sugarpasteladybird agree with everything she says but then do it your own way.

Is there a reason why you have to have 'help' when your DH goes away

oldraver I have a toddler and a 4 month old with reflux who barely sleeps an hour at a time. I am new to this area and family and friends alllive away. have not yet got a network of friends that I can call on and certainly no one that I could leave the children with so I can catch up on some sleep. I am capable of doing everything on my own, that's what I have been doing but a little 'help' really makes a difference.

She sounds similar to mine.

All about her every tiptoes around her to keep the drama to a minimum.

She upset me once my husband told her to be more thoughtful-this was on the phone.

Next time we visited FIL sat us down for a "chat".

MIL had gone off the phone crying/hysterical to the point that he thought I´d had a miscarriage & she was crying that my husband didn´t love her anymore.

I told him it wasn´t our fault she was such a drama queen reacted in such a way & he got cross & said that he was only looking out for his wife.

My husband said "well don´t you think that I´m only doing the same thing?".

Banged his fists on the table saying "FFS when will I ever be treated like an adult" & we walked out.

Few years later we moved abroad & they have never visited(result!)

My husband is an only one & we have the only GC so it shows how much she/they really care, doesn´t it?

So, well done on cancelling "the meeting".

I would say just be polite tbh-and cancel the holiday

AttilaTheMeerkat I have reported you as I am fed up of your exact same post on almost every in laws thread on here, sorry OP your mother in law sounds like a bit of a cow, sometimes there is just no pleasing some people no matter what so I would say don't let it get you down, she is the one with issues not you

BlueKangaroo unfortunately there is usually more to this sort of behaviour than "being a bit of a cow" - much more complicated psychological issues which cause a lot of issues for the people surrounding the perpetrator, whose behaviour can be very destructive in ways that people who haven't experienced it don't understand. These issues need exploring and people need to start to understand more than just the surface detail.

Attila always speaks a lot of sense.

FriedaMer,
Sorry you have found your mil to be an emotionally abusive person (and yes, for those who will argue with my label: constant put downs is emotional abuse). New mothers are always an easy target for such people. Her insults directed at you are not about you...it is all about her and a power play for superiority points.

I agree with the emotional detachment. And the advice to never be alone with her is excellent-always have a witness to the truth.

As to your children, she is already using them to get at you. Imho, she second-guesses everything you do because she wants you to be invisible. She is degrading you so your dc will see her as the 'go to' person of choice. At the very least, she is training them to be disrespectful towards you. At present, they are too young to respond to this now...but give it a few years-you can see where it is headed.

I am very happy for you that your dh is finding his backbone and is willing to effect change wrt his mother.

That is just my impression from what you have written.

AttilaTheMeerkat-I have always looked forward to your posts. You have astute knowledge on these social dynamics that are dysfunctional and emotionally damaging. You have given me excellent advice in the past for my own 'issues' and I thank you again.