Going back with your ex-DH

[DonotKnow]

Hi,

I have been with my partner for ten years. Left him four months ago, have a new home, kids half the time with me, they are pretty disturbed by our split. I find it difficult the weeks they are not with me.

We get on very well, even now, we actually have always got on well on a daily baisis. But he tends to be passive-agressive, not in a bad way, but still.. Our problems mostly go back a lot to the fact that he never told me about his SM tendencies and spent hours, in the same room as me, buying SM porn on Internet, it took me a while but I did find out. His sexuality is something I don't understand, I will never be able to give him that type of experience. Bur I also have my faults, I expected far too much out of him, which I realise now. We have sold our big house and it has been a weight of our shoulders, basically it was too much and did not help our couple either.

I have looked around some of our friends' couples and I have realised that a lot of them have not satisfactory relationships than the one I had with ex-partner.

I am tempted to talk to him about getting back together, he won't go for couple councelling (because does not want to discuss the SM issues but also it is not in his culture really). If we ever got back together, there would probably be no sex, I don't think so, but we could have, and I know, a pretty smooth relationship otherwise.

I am very confused, are those questions normal for a recently separated woman ?

Thanks for your advise

I think you coulld go to SM friendly counsellor, for the benefit of both of you.

I don't have any experience of SM, but I would say that just because you see others around you having unsatisfactory relationships, doesn't mean that you have to put up with one yourself. How do you feel about the prospect of being in a relationship without any sexual intimacy?

Putting myself in your position, I don't see the SM as being the issue as much as the fact that he a)didn't tell you about being into it and b)spent time buying porn while you were in the same room. Both deeply disrespectful.

Also, not sure what you mean by passive-aggressive, but not in a bad way? What's the good way?!

Why would you constrict YOUR life for the sake of a sexual habit your H has, that he won't stop, won't discuss, and won't work with or compromise to accommodate you?

Are you so terrified of being alone that you will sacrifice any chance of a full, rewarding, fun, sexy life for Better The Devil You Know?

IMHO, you are wobbling, totally understable, but you are frightened of the unknown that is the future.

Think this through. If you go back to this guy, you'll end up trapped, resentful and frustrated. You'll end up HATING him. That's not a life for you, not a good example for your DC is it? The reason you are getting on now, is that you are no longer together. Your DH/DW relationship is severed, you remain friends. With no sex on the horizon, it's better for everyone if it stays like that.

You can (and will) do better than this! Come on girl, dust yourself off and get out there!

If you get back together, the old problems will still be there.

Why settle for second best? You deserve to have the sex life you want too.

If you got back together, and then split up again, it would also be much more devastating for the kids. It is still early days for all of you. Concentrate on getting on well as parents, but honestly, I think getting back together would be a huge mistake.

You know the old relationship was bad. So why go back for the same? It sounds like you have made progress--getting rid of big house will make life easier. It is just that the unknown is ahead. But look at it as new opportunities and adventures!

It's tempting to go back to the known, to the comfort zone even if you weren't happy as it is early days in the split. But you will be going back to what made you so unhappy that you left months ago. My advice would be to stay friends, stay as you are and take it all very very slowly, you just need tme to adjust to being on your own again.

OK, thanks all for great comments.

I suppose yes what the problem was more that he lied about his sexual life in front of my face, rather than the SM issue in itself. You are all right, if I came back it would probably not change much and I would probably end up hating him even more. I am pretty sure there would be no sex life.

I am not frightened to be by myself. However, I find it difficult to contemplate that I might be in love again, I don't know.. I think part of me thinks that relationships are just not for me, even though I have had several nice ones in my life. I need to beleive in myself again, easily said..

One thing I just can't cope with right now is the harm I am doing to my kids, am I authorised to make them so unhappy for my own happiness' sake ? And seing them only one week out of two is very hard.

I suspect this might sound strange but because we get on well, I doubt more, thinking it could work again. But I can't complain, getting on fine is great for everybody's sake.

Do you live very nearby to each other? After my ex moved out, I found I couldn't cope with not seeing my son for days at a time and so we switched pretty soon afterwards to alternating days with each other and it's worked out great for us and my son. Is that something that could work for you?

Yes we live nearby. I have thought about this, a week is hard for me. I have asked the kids: one thinks it's good that way the other would like a shorter week. I need to talk to exH about it, but probably part of me wanting to go back with him somehow is to be more with the kids..

My youngest (7) has had a terrible reaction, total nightmare all summer, HUGE tantrums.. hard to cope at times, but I think that at least he is getting it off his chest; he seems to be slowly calming down.