Friend has cut all contact

[ScaredyDog]

Long story, I apologise.

A friend (I worked with her, we were very close) had an affair with a work colleague. She confided in me and although I didn't condone it, I tried to help her to do the right thing. Her husband was an abusive drunk and they were having many problems, so I wasn't surprised that she fell for someone who paid her some attention.

She moved out of her house and set up on her own. She then suffered a family bereavement, had a bit of a breakdown, and her husband looked after her.

Everything came out and she told him about the affair. He insisted she resigned and they moved away, but stayed together.

I stayed in touch with her writing and talking on the phone, as well as a few other people from work.

I received a letter from her earlier this week saying she could no longer stay in touch with me or anyone else at work.

The reason she gave was that her husband could not come to terms with the fact she was still in contact with people when she had had an affair with someone from work. Of course, she's not in touch with the man she had an affair with.

During the past year she went through all kinds of trouble with her husband (which included him chucking her out regularly when he was drunk) and I worried every weekend about what he might do.

Then she told me about the affair, and I just spent hours consoling, cajoling and trying to look after her while all the time telling her what she was doing was wrong and it had to stop.

Then came her breakdown, and trying to look after her and support her through that.

I'm heartbroken by her decision and very worried about her. But in awful moments I find myself thinking that maybe it's a relief, if she won't contact me, I can do no more for her. The drama is over.

But I've lost a friend. I feel awful when I get these feelings of strange relief, I suppose it's the shock.

Sometimes she'll go AWOL for weeks and won't contact me, but I'll drop her husband an email and ask how things are and he does reply. I'm worried and sad for him too, despite him being such a dick to her. I wanted her to leave him in the first place, but she made her decision and I supported her through that.

What do I do? Keep on trying to stay in touch? Or leave them to it to sort their lives out?

I would write to her and just say, "I will always be your friend. If you need me, I'll be there."

For her to know that, would be very reassuring, I would think.

Sounds like he's isolating her. His behaviour could even be escalating.

Try and get the message to her that you will always love her, and be there for her no matter when or where.

Thanks both.

I have written a letter saying although I'm upset, I'm trying to understand and that my door is always open.

I am worried though, like you say HerHissyness, that this is his attempt to isolate her. There is lots more I've not said, I just can't. But I am worried, so worried about her.

I know, it's just the worst kind of pain thinking someone you care about is going through anything like this.

Hopefully one day she'll see, she'll realise she has to do something.

I agree with what you already know, and what the others have said. The breakdown is probably real (or will be in a minute) and the thought that the only person she has to rely on is her abuser is, well, miserable. It will be impossible to lift her, single-handed, out of this. But you can stay in touch with the occasional email (maybe just innocuous jokes & kitten things), birthday cards & christmas, holiday postcards. Mostly, just make sure she's still in your thoughts and realise that she may not be allowed to respond, or even to see your messages. It may be a long haul :(

You're a good friend.