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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH and other women

26 replies

piedpiper4 · 17/08/2011 12:08

I have been married for nearly 20 years. Like most couples we have had our ups and downs, but have got through them. I thought I could trust my OH with my life. 3 years ago he had an affair, which at the very least was an EA (have never got to the truth if he slept with her-first he said he did, then he didn't-my gut says he did). Anyway, with a lot of time and effort we got through it and have rebuilt our life together. I have had to decide that I will never know what happened with his affair, and have had to let it go in order to stop it destroying me.

In April he took a girl to the cinema and then stayed out all night. This isn't quite as bad as it sounds, as it was a works arrangement that went wrong, with everyone cancelling at the last minute except these 2. My issue is that he could have cancelled as he knew I thought it was inappropriate, and why when he knew how I felt, did he take her to visit his friends (the all night bit). He could have dropped her home, and gone alone.

Cut through to this weekend. We had a party and a woman started giving my OH the come on, which he responded too. The details don't really matter, but I believe if I hadn't intervened he would have done the deed with her in the toilets, or something just as sordid.

My OH can't remember what happened, and didn't believe me when I told him. Luckily for me we had a lot of family and friends there who have all confirmed to him what he did. This has shocked him, as he has always maintained that I have exagerated his behaviour-he always rationalised it away as being my fault/in my mind. This time he can't and is having to face up to what he's done. Something I truly don't think he's actually understood before.

So I'm left here feeling numb- can't cry/shout/argue etc. I have told him that I knew he was going to do this, that I have tried to give him the chance to make sure he never did. I have had so many conversations with him about 'you know what's right/ wrong and I can't stop you doing things you shouldn't, but you know the consequences if you do'.

I don't know what I want. I've told him I can't help him this time, that he needs to stop making excuses, that it wasn't the drink, or the circumstance, that it's his decision to act in this way. He needs to try and work out why he acts the way he does and I need to work out if I want to continue in this marriage. sorry, I just needed to get this out, and perhaps talking to someone else will help me work through it in my own mind.

OP posts:
thesunshinesbrightly · 17/08/2011 12:18

He needs to stop drinking or you need to leave...you can't put up with that.

Original poster
piedpiper4 · 17/08/2011 12:23

Sorry, I didn't make it clear. He doesn't drink that often, but it was a factor on Saturday. The other two occassions he was sober. This is what makes Saturday worse in my mind. It wasn't just a drink fuelled abberation, it was a pattern of him stepping over the line with other women.

Thanks for your reply, appreciated.

OP posts:
LuckyMrsT · 17/08/2011 12:25

Your instincts about what he's up to will be correct. Drunk or not he's showing you no respect. Do you have kids together? If not I think it's time to move on.

thesunshinesbrightly · 17/08/2011 12:28

Oh god so he does this when sober too? how do you forgive him for doing this? i certainly wouldn't.

Not sure what advice to give you. You have warned him and he still doesnt change.

I think you should leave him.. whats the point in carrying on, i understand it is easy for me to say but how can you ever trust him?.

coppertop · 17/08/2011 12:36

"This has shocked him, as he has always maintained that I have exagerated his behaviour-he always rationalised it away as being my fault/in my mind. This time he can't and is having to face up to what he's done. Something I truly don't think he's actually understood before.""

I strongly suspect that he's always known exactly what he's been up to and was quite happy to call you a liar. This time it's different for him because now everybody else knows what he's really like too, and not just you. He can't put on the "good husband act" in public anymore.

thesunshinesbrightly · 17/08/2011 12:39

I agree with coppertop. Sorry piedpiper.

Original poster
piedpiper4 · 17/08/2011 13:12

I know you're all right. I just wanted to check that my feelings are justified and that I'm not over-reacting.
The thing is I know he loves me, but he really couldn't see what his actions are doing. Saturday night has really shocked him, because he has 'evidence' from third parties. Was going to type out a whole spiel, but at the end of the day I'm not sure it matters. I can't justify or fix this. Only he can work out what's wrong with him. I've tried to make it work...just wish I could get rid of the numbness and get angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
piedpiper4 · 17/08/2011 13:16

When I say it's shocked him, I mean that he has finally seen his behaviour for what it is. That he's not been having what people would consider acceptable 'fun' at a party, but that he went so far over the line his sister had to get between him and the OW.
This makes us sound like a load of screaming banshees, but that's the thing, we're not. Just normal people being forced to stop him from doing something stupid, but does that fact we had to 'make' him stop make it any better? At the end of the day, he was obviously 'up-for-it', and if we hadn't intervened I believe he would have followed through.

OP posts:
thesunshinesbrightly · 17/08/2011 13:27

Nobody should have to stop him, you know that. Of course he was up for it.
sorry op :-( for you.

What are you going to do?

boudiccasSideKick · 17/08/2011 13:28

Have to agree with others. You said he "finally" realised what he has done this time. What about the other times?

buzzsore · 17/08/2011 13:37

Tbh, if he's that bad that he'd humiliate you and himself in public by trying it on with other women in front of you, at your own party, then I can't see how you can ever trust him anywhere.

Maybe if he did a shit load of therapy & quit drinking, it would go some way to prove he wants to change, but whether you want to stick around and run the risk of being disappointed again, I don't know. You might be better off cutting your losses.

MadAboutHotChoc · 17/08/2011 13:51

Sorry but I would have cut my losses after the first time. It sounds like it was all swept under the carpet and that you both never got to the bottom of why he had that affair, what made him behave in this way etc. He also does not seem to have set boundaries with regards to behaviour with other women or taken steps to prevent an affair ever happening again.

GaramMasalaGirl · 17/08/2011 13:56

"...The thing is I know he loves me.."

Somebody who loves you wouldn't humiliate and destroy you like this...again, and again, and yet again. In front of your family and friends, at your party and in your home. Sad

"...I need to work out if I want to continue in this marriage..."

Haven't you already given this your best shot? Haven't you tried harder than most people would in these circumstances? How bad would it have to be before it is enough for you? Don't you deserve to be happy and not be looking over your shoulder all the time waiting for him to screw around again?

I hope you find the answers you need. Thinking of you x

AnyFucker · 17/08/2011 14:30

So the only way to make him stay respectful of you is if you police his behaviour 24 hours a day, 7 days a week ?

And you are considering there is any hope for your relationship ?

You have 2 options here

  1. accept he will shag OW after OW, even when you are there. Which will progress to him doing it in your bed, or on the sofa while you sleep upstairs. However, you will be doing the same.

  2. find some self respect and tell him to fuck off, for good

This pathetic man has had enough chances to humiliate you. Don't give him any more.

QuintessentialShadow · 17/08/2011 14:39

I am sorry, but even expecting him to try and change his behaviour is like trying to make a rectangle circular, with a sledgehammer.

It is not who he is.

Your husband has repeatedly shown you who he is. You have put up with it so far. This time he has taken it further, in that it was in public. It is now up to you whether you accept that this is who he is, or not. He may not want to be monogamous.

NettleTea · 17/08/2011 14:52

I suspect he DOES know what its doing to you, and he DOES know when he is doing something he shouldnt, but he doesnt care. Its easy for him to say he loves you, but his actions dont prove it. When push comes to shove he will do what he wants to do, take the fun opportunity offered every time. The only reason he is acting shocked is because his cover is blown. He has made you doubt where the boundaries should be by putting it onto you in the past, but this time everyone has seen him and he doesnt like the reaction of it. He wont change.

Original poster
piedpiper4 · 17/08/2011 14:53

Thanks for all your replies. Believe me when I say you're not saying anything I haven't already thought, or know to be true. I am not making any excuses for his behaviour, either to myself or to him. I know that this is entirely down to him and that there is nothing I can say, think or feel that will alter that. Nor do I want it too. It is what it is, it is not my fault and it is not up to me to sort out HIS problems. Sorry rambling now, but am glad to hear my feelings are not far off the mark.

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 17/08/2011 15:26

It hasn't bloody 'shocked' him, he hasn't suddenly 'realised', he's just a little charmer that can't wriggle out of this one as he had the massed ranks of friends and family there watching him behave like a dog on heat.

He sounds appalling. His sister had to physically step between him and another woman? So he was practically panting and rubbing away in front of everyone? And you could actually bear to go home with this disgrace afterwards??

I think you've pretty much done all you can to try and turn this person into a halfway decent, trustworthy guy. His idea of loving you is to try and make out you're crazy and exaggerating when you're speaking the truth. He needs 'evidence from third parties' to make him respect what you say? You ARE a third party - but what you say just doesn't count, eh? It should count MORE.

AnyFucker · 17/08/2011 17:24

What will you do, OP ? I am so sorry for you.

Original poster
piedpiper4 · 17/08/2011 17:32

Shouty, you sum it up perfectly.
Af...don't know, but I refuse to be his police. I deserve much, much more.

Will check in again later. My parents are here for the night and we're going out for dinner.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/08/2011 17:34

Are you going to speak to your parents about it ?

And yes, you do deserve more. You always did.

thesunshinesbrightly · 17/08/2011 18:47

Doesn't going out for dinner with him fill you with dread? would me.

I would seriously think being with this man through.

Good luck OP.

caramelwaffle · 17/08/2011 20:58

Good luck piedpiper

Put it this way: if he knew that you were dissapering in to toilets at a family party, or going to a cinema with a man, I am pretty sure he would dump/divorce you quicker than you could spell bin.

B-I...

that quick.

caramelwaffle · 17/08/2011 20:58

*disappearing

Dignified · 17/08/2011 21:40

Sorry , but sounds like hes just not willing to be monogomous . I think your going to have to either agree to him shagging around , or find someone who wants what you want .

Its not possible to change someones charecter , and i strongly suspect all this talk about finally realising is a pile of shit .

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