doormat

[HidingAnger]

i really need some help about how to deal with dh and his behaviour. i'm a sahm with 2 young dcs and I do everything.. cleaning,cooking,food shopping,gardening incl the grass, clothes washing etc etc etc

dh does nothing unless specifically nagged. i've tried asking but it doesn't happen so (and he accepts this is the case) i need to constantly remind him x,y,z still not done. depends on what it is but i give in some of the time and just do it myself

i support him 100% in all his crazy hair brained ideas, he's just recently started a new hobby. this will take lots of time and a fair bit of money but i know how much it means to him so i'm behind him for it. he has recently had to do some weekend work and so he didn't miss out on seeing dcs, i took them into the office to see him (not a easy trip,1.5hrs public transport, we only saw him for half an hour but imo and his, it was worth it)

but what about me? i have had a few appts (medical, hair etc) in the past and he's rarely there to help (even if i've checked with him first about when he can help) which means i have to rearrange for when he will be around or ask family (not ideal)

i feel like an absolute doormat. i am doing as much as i can to keep the house going for him but its not good enough

he smashed a plate last night (rare behaviour) and refused to clear it up. as did i. he kept complaining about how we live in a shit hole and that a broken plate (and food mess) on the floor doesn't make any difference. i just repeatedly said 'clear up the plate'. it was about 10pm and he was still refusing to do it, saying it would take hours because of all the other shit on the floor. There were 4 towels (from our swim yday) on the kitchen floor ready for me to put in the washing machine today, nothing else. so i got dressed again, told him i'd be back in 2 hours so he'd better make a start on clearing up the mess he'd made. i came back at midnight and he'd done an ok job so i went to bed. dc2 then woke up at 1am and didn't sleep again til 5. this is a rare occurence for it to be so long but i am disturbed by at least one of them every night. so yes, on top of everything else i'm sleep deprived.

on top of everything else, he has recently started insulting me. eg we took dcs to a playground yday and people kept leaving the gate open. so each time, i walked over and closed it (busy carpark the other side of the gate). He then pretended he was clutching a handbag under his chin and accused me of being hormonal because i mentioned loudly about people not being able to shut the gate. he has picked at my appearance too eg 'ooh aren't you going grey'. someone told me the other day that i was looking slim (big compliment after 2 dcs!) and when i told dh, he laughed it off.

shit, he's sounding a right arse and i'm sounding like a weak thing. i need help on how to deal with him

ps i'll be back in half hour or so, need to sort out dcs

morning
well, we talked. actually, i talked and he listened. he stopped spouting all of his management crapy ideas and just listened. and thanks to talking with you on here yesterday, i managed to say what was wrong and why i was unhappy instead of getting in a twist about things. he said he didn't realise that he'd been doing all the little insults about me. apologised for getting upset about the state of the house and we worked out that its because he gets frustrated at not being able to find things. but i pointed out that he needs to put the effort in to learn where they're kept in the first place eg which drawer dc1's trousers are kept in (same place for the last few years!). i reminded him that my 'job' was to look after the dcs, and the house stuff was secondary. he has accepted that he should do more to help and said he'd try. i gave him a few ideas of things he could try eg sort a mixed pile of laundry into piles for each owner.
Lots and lots of other stuff but the gist of it was that he listened and then apologised.
he did seem sincere and generally quite horrified that he'd caused as much hurt as he had.
as far as i'm concerned, its a case of 'we'll see'. i'm going to respond to any insults at the time (instead of letting them brew and add up). keep on top of asking/nagging him to do things round here

we're going to a wedding for one of his friends at the weekend. i bet he forgets to get a card and present for them. we'll have to see whether the magic 'organises presents' fairy arrives in time! normally i just leave him to it for his family birthdays ie he forgets a lot of the time but i'd be too embarrassed to turn up at the wedding empty handed

thank you thank you thank you for all your help yesterday. it really helped me sort things out in my head and i'm definitely more on the ball now about watching future behaviour.

Did he explain why he sent you those links that insinuate that you are not a person in your own right, but just a body that exists to meet his needs (so he can actualise himself)?

What did he have to say about his recent violent outburst?

Are you going to get counselling?

As wonderful as humpty's advice has been (and it really has been wonderful), it's not enough to keep you safe from a man who bullies you.

shecutoff you are right, if he is a bully, then you need to keep on your toes and stay safe.

If he is abusive, then counselling is not the answer... Not joint counselling anyway. It is not a joint issue, it is his issue, but counselling approaches it from the viewpoint that you need to air your differences and work together to resolve your problems. In the case of abuse it is simply not relevant as the problems are not joint problems, they are the abusers problems. By doing counselling, with the best will in the world, you are often simply adding fuel to the fire. YOu are giving the abuser more amunition to use against you.

hiding well done for having that conversation... like you have said, you cannot just put it all behind you. I'm sorry but I still strongly suspect that he is abusive, but to give him the benefit of the doubt, lets see what happens.

you should be aware tho, that this is part of abuse. There is a cycle of behaviour. It starts of all nice, then the abuser allows himself to become wound up, then the abuser assaults you- either physically, emotionally, sexually, then he is remorseful and goes back to being nice again.

Take a look at this page

www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

About half way down is about the cycle of abuse. the aim of the game is to keep you in your place, by lashing out, but then to appear to be remorseful to stop you from running away from him and to keep you clinging onto the fact that he can be nice and you hope that the nasty part is just a phase which will pass.

sorry shecutoff I correct myself, if he is abusive, the only way to stay safe is to get the hell away from him

i support him 100% in all his crazy hair brained ideas, he's just recently started a new hobby. this will take lots of time and a fair bit of money but i know how much it means to him so i'm behind him for it.

Why are you supporting him unconditionally like this?

He doesn't deserve it. Do not enable him any more OP.

He is an arse that views you as a domestic appliance. Humpty is giving great advice but I just wanted to point out to you that you are not obliged to make any sacrifices to make his Walter Mitty dreams come true.

He does little or nothing to improve your happiness and doesn't appreciate or deserve your kindess and sacrifice. So please do stop. Withdraw your support from him. He does not deserve it.

shecutoff

did he explain why he sent you those links? sort of, he was trying to explain how his,mine, our dc's happiness relies on basic needs eg food, comfort, safe habitat. it stemmed from me leaving a pair of sharp scissors in a not 100% safe place. there was a slim chance dcs could have got them and really hurt themselves. dh's biggest fear is our dc's safety so i understand him being upset. but, he started shouting at me about them, i walked away telling him i wouldn't listen to him if he was shouting. it was at this point he threw the plate at the wall. he accepts his behaviour was appalling and said he feels really bad about damaging our home.

Are you going to get counselling?
yes, we have to. we have these little 'spells' every 3mths and it is always about the same things. we have proven we can't solve it on our own

hi humpty :) (i feel like we're old friends!)
you're right, it may still be the case that he's being abusive but i really do feel like i'm in a better position now. i never even considered it as a possibility before so if he is/was i wouldn't have noticed. Now, with all the information you've given me, i feel like i've had my eyes open so will see things for what they are if you see what i mean.
Not sure what ammunition counselling would give him against me. he knows everything about me already

dontgocurly

i'm supporting him because he supports me, mostly. i say mostly because sometimes his support is a bit fuzzy round the edges. the thought is there but in practise, it sometimes doesn't quite work out. we talked about this last night and i do accept that i need to be clearer in what i want/need him to do to enable me to do things that don't involve our dcs.

i've got a few hobbies myself, one of which can only be done if it doesn't rain so keep your fingers crossed its dry this friday because if it is, i'm going for it

Oh good! I won't do any rain dances then!

Well, listen I would scale back the unconditional support for him until he gets up to speed with supporting you in the same way. He needs to DO this not just SAY it.

Best of luck !

you're right, you're absolutely right. his support needs to be consistent and not just when i'm at my highest level of nagging! i've also learnt that things are more likely to happen if i email him about them whilst he's at work so yes, i have sent an email about tomorrow!

i'm hoping i won't need your luck but thank you,its appreciated!

hiding I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better, you certainly sound much stronger and focussed.

Please keep your eyes wide open for any more potentially abusive situations. Maybe you have given him a wake up call? Hopefully things will improve a bit.

Can I just point out that your explanation about the scissors leading to the plate throwing, sounds v much like my incident with the kettle. I'm not trying to label you and your situation, Just to show you things from a different perspective.

Will find a link to explain about the counselling thing... back later

Glad to hear you sounding stronger tho!!!

i am feeling stronger. when i'm sad, i don't eat. i know this is bad but i can't help it. but as a result of no food, i feel weak physically which doesn't help things.

my eyes are definitely wide open and yes, i realised the similarities with your kettle and my scissors as i was writing it. its hard because i can see that if dc had got up on the table that they could have fallen on them (they were point up, handles down in a box on the table, goodness knows why, i must have just thrown them in quickly) but, it was a very unlikely scenario. quite ironic really considering that dcs have hurt themselves/been hurt more when dh has been on duty. i'm not suggesting for a moment that he was responsible for them being hurt, we just parent differently and he doesn't predict their movements as well as i do. i'm more of a 'watch them like a hawk' and 'gradually unwrap the cotton wool' kind of girl!

When a person says they'll 'try' to do something differently, it's usually a sign that their heart's not really in the change. Otherwise they say something like, 'I REALLY want to do things differently and this is what I'm going to do'...

Maybe he'll change his ways but I wouldn't hold your breath. Be very wary about a temporary improvement and then a gradual back sliding...

thanks nje, I will

Just to be clear - I meant you should get counselling on your own, not together.

Not buying the scissors story.
If a normal person thinks his DW has left a pair of scissors in an unsafe place, he moves the scissors, then says, "Please don't leave the scissors there, the DCs could hurt themselves."
He doesn't shout at you and then send you a link to an obscure video that you can't make head or tail of and which has no bearing on the scissors. That's definitely trying to mess with your head.
Congrats on the progress you have made, OP. Not at all sure that your DH has made any or that he has the faintest intention of doing anything differently. Please do keep your eyes open.