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Original poster

What is a good-enough marriage?

47 replies

Ormirian · 16/08/2011 21:26

I would love to know.

I have a good man. In the sense that he loves me and it basically a decent sort. Do I love him? Yes. Am I in love with him? No. Does he fill my heart with passion and excitment? No. Do I see us being together for the rest of our lives? Yes but I don't feel thrilled at that thought. But the idea of being without him breaks my heart.

Is that good enough? What is marriage supposed to be now?

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 18/08/2011 15:46

Have only read op though, will read thread now!

WideWebWitch · 18/08/2011 15:53

Good posts malifience, I agree.

I don't think putting the children first all the time is helpful in a marriage either tbh. I don't want to wait until they're gone and find myself looking at dh and thinking who tf are you? So we go out together quite a bit and I definitely notice that we're not as close if we go a while without doing it.

WideWebWitch · 18/08/2011 15:54

But I don't know your background orm. Sorry you're feeling so fed up.

Original poster
Ormirian · 18/08/2011 15:59

But it isn't about putting the children first. It's about having 3 children and a full-time job and trying to fit what we, as adults want, in around that. I don't even see there being much of a choice.

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 18/08/2011 16:03

I only have 2 children but we somehow managed it with 2 x FT WOTH

But it takes a lot of organising ime and something has to give - I reckon you can pick 3 out of 4 of:

Happy marriage, time with husband
Happy kids, timewith them
Working, esp ft

Friends and keeping friendships going

For me that last one is the sacrifice when I work ft oth.

WideWebWitch · 18/08/2011 16:05

What do you want orm? is it time stopping you? Or money? Or inclination?

Original poster
Ormirian · 18/08/2011 16:08

Time (money in short supply but irrelevant) and energy.

I am withdrawing from ads atm and going through the menopause and most of the time I feel like a wrung out dishrag. When I get told to make the effort I just want to laugh tbh...... But it will improve and I will get better. I just have to hope that our marriage will last until then. I told DH to find someone better the other day - he thought I was joking, I am not sure that I was.

OP posts:
carminagoesprimal · 18/08/2011 16:19

Orm; it sounds like you need a good rest.
I have access to a lovely house by the sea ( south coast ) it's empty for large parts of the year - ( beautiful location )
if you ever want to escape for a few days on your own - just to walk on the beach and gaze up at the stars, - it's all yours ( rent free of course )

Take care x

Original poster
Ormirian · 18/08/2011 16:29

carmina - what a lovely offer Smile Thank you so much. Feel a bit weepy now..

We are off to sunny Pembrokeshire on saturday and Dh has promised me a proper rest, ie he and the DC (hollow laugh) will do all the work. And I have promised myself at least one long coast path walk alone - I used to love to walk before I had the DC but by and large they have shrunk to brief strolls most of the time. I took up running but have got so many aches and pains I haven't been doing that either.

Looking forward to our holiday.

OP posts:
carminagoesprimal · 18/08/2011 16:34

Sounds great and just what you all need - Smile

Hope you have a fab time and fingers crossed for improved weather!

motherinferior · 18/08/2011 16:45

I agree with Carmina on several points! Grin

Orm, darling, just at the moment if you're feeling like that don't try making an effort. Sometimes effort is, well, too much effort. You haven't got the resources at the moment. Concentrate on you and on just getting a break.

twinklytroll · 18/08/2011 16:52

I am not married but we have been together for 8 years and have been through some very tough times. I think the key to a successful relationship is that at least one of you at any given time will have to be in love and working hard at the relationhip. once both of you give up the rot will set in.

My dp and I have a very happy relationship now but there have been times when I was ready to leave and I am certain that he must have had his moments. We went to counselling a few years ago after we reached a crisis point and we took from those sessions that very few people have a happy relationship without trying. We were both guilty in particular of putting our dd first all the time.

We now try and have a few long weekends on our own a year, even if they are just camping. We ensure dd gets to bed at a reasonable hour so we have time together. We have cultivated shared interests outside of dd. We make time for sex, our bedroom is always tidy and we have taken care to decorate it in a way that makes us want to be there, it is our refuge together.

For me a successful relationship involved ( not necessarily in that order)
Respect
Love
A butterfly feeling when he enters the room, not all the time but sometimes
Laughs
Sex and passion
Similar moral compass
Compatible ambition and levels of drive

I agree with WWW that there are times when something has to give and when we are very busy we do neglect friends.

I find that sex is very important in building a relationship, we feel much closer during those times when we have regular sex but if we start to go a week or more I can feel a difference.

motherinferior · 18/08/2011 17:02

I suppose, really, it depends on how much priority you want to give The Relationship. I'm prepared to let mine take its place alongsde fulfilling work/friends/a particularly riveting book/writing. Mr Inferior, although a chap of many lovely qualities, simply cannot replace all of these. And the thing is, he does actually live here. So really I get to see quite a bit of him, whereas if I drop any of those others they can just disappear.

counsellingtricks · 18/08/2011 17:03

we feel much closer during those times when we have regular sex but if we start to go a week or more I can feel a difference.

Bloodyhell- I have friends like me who have been married for ages- 20+ years- and the sex happens every few months.

twinklytroll · 18/08/2011 17:44

During term time we often go much longer than we would like without sex and it does really create a distance between us. I love that frisson in the air the morning after. It is something that we have always prioritised, when dd was at nursery and I was at home Dp used to come home early from work every Friday so we could have sex before we had to pick her up.

But we have only been together 8 years, I hope we can maintain it though.

Hardgoing · 18/08/2011 22:00

I wouldn't personally drop all my friends to make time for my husband. I have one friend who has done that, guess who is now on the phone as her life is now very difficult, crying all the time, and without her circle of friends who would have helped her through this (some have actually dumped her officially for just not being around for years). I see so many posts on MN, an astonishing amount, from people who feel lonely and don't have friends, and now I'm starting to understand why!

I would adapt Carmina's list as follows, you can have four out of the five of the following:

  1. Time with husband
  2. Time doing interesting work (FT in my case)
  3. Time with children
  4. Time with friends (odd weekend, phone calls)
  5. Time doing housework/making home beautiful

Guess which one I have dropped (and it's not my friends!)

Hardgoing · 18/08/2011 22:04

And, perhaps you have hit the nail on the head, you need a bit of separateness in there. But I think that's ok, because that's something you can start to work on on your own, such as having this break, or taking up something just for you, or going out with an old friend one lunchtime. I know it is hard with three children, but what I have noticed is that most married men with children still get time on their own, whether it is to go to the gym, or do their hobby or drink with work-mates or whatever, and women often are not good at blocking this time out and saying 'I'm off for lunch with X, I'll be back in three hours'.

I know it sounds a bit odd to suggest being alone to help your relationship, but you sound fed up with the day to dayness of it and the relentlessness of childrearing, and taking some time for you, or time as a couple really really does help (and I agree with the person who voted for nights out as a couple, I also need one of these every few weeks or we simply don't have the depth of conversation required if all we do is share the chores).

twinklytroll · 18/08/2011 22:12

I don't drop my friends but during the week during term time I only have a finite amount of time. So my family comes first. I teach so have long holidays, many of my friends are teachers so we catch up with each other.

WideWebWitch · 18/08/2011 23:50

I don't drop friend's but I don't physically have time to see them so make do with

Email
Fora
Phone calls
And the odd dinner invitation

Realistically there are only so many hours in the day...

WideWebWitch · 18/08/2011 23:51

Oh and fuck housework, it doesn't even make my list, I pay someone to do that!

WideWebWitch · 18/08/2011 23:54

And over years of marriage / lovers I have a lot of friends, many very long standng so clearly haven't pissed them off that much

I hope you have a good break ormiron.

WideWebWitch · 18/08/2011 23:55

Btw I know friends plural doesn't have an apostrophe but iPad auto corrects, grr

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