I am damaged goods and can't 'do' marriage

[totalfuckup]

That's it really. My life is a complete mess. I'm lost and don't know how to fix any of it. I can't make myself or anybody else happy. I'm an awful mother, I've no confidence with being a mummy because I am constantly working. I resent my DH for not working even though he does a good job with DD. I wake up and actually feel like I hate him. I feel as though he has stolen my life. I'm from a big family and thought I'd have a big family. I've one DD and because of him leaving his job I've been working full time in a really pressured (not at all family friendly) job since she was 10 months old to keep up with the mortgage. He has made little to no effort to get back to work - nearly 2 years on.

I refuse to have another baby until he has got a job and shows he can hold it down as we wuld have no way to pay the mortgage if I wasn't working. I'm so cold and full of hate. I hate myself for not being at home and there for my daughter. I feel he's robbed me of the chance to be there. I never asked to be a SAHM - I thought it was too much pressure but always said we should both get substantial part time so we could share the responsibility and to be honest because he is work shy and wouldn't put up with me working part time if he was working FT.

I look to the future and know he will never step up. I'll never be able to even work part time let alone be a SAHM. My relationship with my baby is damaged. I get nervous with her and paranoid around other people that she will demonstrate that she prefers DH. Ive been left sobbing on my bathroom floor at the way she favous him. I feel other people see this and judge and accuse me of being this cold hearted career woman. I hate him for this. I absolutely hate him.

Our marriage has been sexless for two years. He keeps pushing the issue and I honestly feel sick. He is constantly grabbing at me and pushing at my PJs or nightie in bed. I desparately want separate rooms.

I have behaved in a completely fucked up, selfish, disgusting and destructuve way. I had an emotional affair last year. It became more than emotional, not once but twice. I'm full of self loathing. I keep trying to work on the marriage it is expected of me and I feel he will take my baby because he has lets face it been primary carer. We are living away from both families so he would take where his parents live so I am trapped. I can't risk that.

I so want another baby, a sibling for DD but I can't bring myself to sleep with him and we are in no position to bring a new life into the world. As time passes I feel like I'm losing my chances. I have polycystic ovaries and I'm scared that my fertility and chance of a sibling for DD is passing me by.

Everyone in my professional life holds me up as this great example of someone with a high flying career who is a mother. It sickens me. I've lost so much to keep that fucking job and keep paying our commitments.

I cant do this and it is all my fault. I feel such a fuck up and so damaged. I have had sporadic instances of bulimia throughout my adult life but I am caught so hard in the cycle now I can't stop. Why am I so fucked up. I've even startedt being sick at work. I barely eat anything there and I can't oversome the urge. It's all the hate in me.

Toothbrush I couldn't agree more. Whilst I really feel for the OP, her issues seem to be mainly with resentment that her DH has the role that she wants, and I think she sounds a bit depressed. Some of the comments on here are a bit and if you reversed the genders in this thread but kept everything else the same word for word, I'd bet anything the reponses would be TOTALLY different.

If you cannot discuss possible solutions with your DH because of fear of him becoming violent then it sounds like you need to make yourself safe. I'm wondering if he is deeply ashamed of his inability to follow through from top uni to good career and so it is coming out as rage.
I think actually it might be worth you contacting women's aid for some advice.

Irrespective of genders and role reversals it's a relationship and in that relationship one should be guaranteed support, love, and fairness.

There is none in this relationship. It's all one sided and no wonder resentment has built up. He promised to get a job he did not. Sharing is what a relationship is about the OP wants to share parenting, her partner does not.

What Eurostar said. Violence, even if it has stopped for now, changes the whole picture.

Yes, only just read the bit about the violence, which changes things somewhat.

Sorry I disappeared from the thread. Shared laptop and he came in. Worried he'll find the thread. On blackberry so hoping this will work just wanted to say thank you for the various responses. I'll sleep on them and aim for some clarity of thinking and a few practical steps.

TFU Go to your GP please. Be honest about how stressed and ill you feel and the violence at home. Get signed off work for a while and get some a-ds to try and give your head enough space to plan and think.

Do you have a spare bedroom you could rent out to international students? (not something you need right now but am just throwing out some ideas of how you can support mortgage for now in order to go part-time at least in your work) Go to a CAB and try and work out your earnings and where you might get tax credits or help with childcare.

Don't engage with him while at home - you will be busy. Take your DD out(via playground on way to CAB and anywhere else you need to go), spend time with her and reconnect. Speak to Women's Aid. Start looking at your options and how you can support yourself and DD without him and how you can downgrade your lifestyle/remortgage or move or whatever you can do to get your work/life balance back and your relationship with DD back on track. You don't need to get into a row with DH about anything because soon you are going to be free - he doesn't need to know that for now but you will find a way, Keep posting and keep planning xxx

I'm too tired to read this now, but can see you've had replies from some proper decent Mumsnetters Here's my short-term reply - couldn't leave you without saying something!

Your husband sounds horrible. You shouldn't have to live this, and you don't have to.
No wonder your bulimia's spiralling! You poor thing.
Stop hating yourself, that's an order!

I could probably recommend some books or something when I've read you better, but primarily I think you could do with a therapist. And a lawyer.
Right now, try ringing Women's Aid. Just tell them about stuff, have a chat :)

So he's been violent and unsupportive. Maybe that's why you feel so shit. I'm so sorry. I change my advice. Don't talk to h, work on your escape plan. You and your child will eventually have a much better life without such a tosser in it every day

TFU

Could you get signed off work for a month or so and give yourself some breathing space?

Work on your plans for the future...

xxx

TFU, I've been thinking about you today. This is a digression, but please don't be fooled into thinking that everyone else has the perfect family life/relationship, because they don't. I went through a divorce a couple of years ago; the fact that my relaionship failed seemed to enable other people to confine in me about theirs, and I was amazed at the number of people who were living lives of "quiet desperation" (can't remember where I read that but the phrase has remained with me), or outright misery, when the faces they presented to the world were of utter contentment.

Jadedcynic- good point well put

Your post has also been playing on my mind, you sound really desperate and perhaps depressed, not surprisingly as you are clearly working all the hours god sends plus a few more, plus not getting your needs met plus feeling terrible about your daughter, you sound like you will explode soon. Go to the docs and tell them this, you need to create a bit of headspace for yourself to think this through. Perhaps get signed off for a couple of weeks.

I am also worried that you can't talk to your husband about how you share out responsibilities/jobs, and very worried you mentioned violence. I think I would seriously think about getting advice from women's aid about this, after all, your way of containing this seems to be not talking about it, bu you are so desperate and feeling awful, something has to give.

Finally, and I feel bad for raising this, if you do have thoughts of going it alone, you must must seek legal advice as you are not currently the primary carer. Saying this won't help at all in the short term, I know you are already worried and anxious about the bond with your dd, but it's very important that you think through the consequences in a rational way.

Do you have friends or family you could talk with in RL and say 'I'm feeling pretty awful, I feel like I can't keep going working these crazy hours in this situation'? As someone else has said, no-one lives a perfect life and being honest about who you are and what you feel will help you a lot, as it sounds like you feel completely detached from the choices you have made and wish for something different.

I do not in any way disparage your husband for staying home, it's a valuable job. My husband also did the same for part of the week. However, it worries me you can't talk honestly and openly about how this is working (or not) for you, and even more that the rows get so aggressive and even violent. I think you need RL support to help you in this situation.

Finally (phew!) don't worry about what others think of you and your daughter, I work a lot and was worried about keeping that close bond/what others would think but it has worked great for us and I now actually don't care what others thing, plus working can be great in the long-term for some women. I think it is the fact that it is driving you towards the edge which means you have to reassess whether it is right for you (or right to be in this relationship).

TFU, please don't think of yourself as damaged goods. You are a person with great potential who has the opportunity to take the next phase of her life in a different direction, and that's something to cherish. I saw you said that the counselling brought up a lot of very difficult issues for you. I discovered myself that this is the case, and that it seems to make things harder just when you're at your most vulnerable. However, I think it might well be worth you going back and trying again. I certainly have found it extremely helpful in going forward

It sounds like you've almost been tricked out of a parenting role you wanted to have or at least share to me - I would be furious and devastated too.

I think it cuts both ways and men have a right to some of that 'stay at home' role too if they want it. That is very different from just taking the whole role by being passive and crap though.

My OH for instance is in the kind of job which could relatively easily pay for me to be an SAHM. However, he is a gentle man who I know would love to have the chance to work reduced hours and do some childcare (I'm pregnant with DC1) and therefore I would never jack in my own career and unilaterally put him in the 'sole wage earner' position.

I love him and he has as much right as me to share those roles - I am absolutely clear that I'll do what I can to give us both a fair share. I would fully expect that it would take a massive toll on our relationship if I was to do him out of that chance without a damn good reason.

Does you DH acknowledge or realise on any level what his unilateral decisions have meant for you do you think? Does he have a sense of fairness? It sounds massively unfair on you.

Overwhelmed by the kindness of strangers. Sorry I haven't been back. Feeling paranoid about using home laptop and been away on business all day. I will respond properly and think through what people have said and reply tomorrow when I should have access to comp (on blackberry and keep losing signal).

My blood runs cold at what people have said about me not being primary carer. Seems so unfair when it isn't a choice. But adds weight to sticking it out. However down I might feel it would be nothing compared the agony of losing dd. It makes me shake thinking about it. I've had lots of nightmares where she is taken away from me.
Its all too much. Tonight I am in bad books because after getting home late, seeing to bedtime and cleaning for an hour I headed to bed. I'm doing it deliberately to ignore and upset dh apparently. I'm just bloody exhausted no agenda in it. Last night I was woken up for sex and when I just wanted to sleep as big day and early client meetings got ranting and raving and slammed doors for an hour. He then came back and tried to argue. I could have cried I was so tired. Seemed a really callous thing to do knowing the day I had ahead and how stressed I felt about it.lay awake until 4 alarm went off at 5.45. All my fault though according to tonight's strained 'discussion'.

Feel like I'm telling tales but it felt better to tell someone even if an anonymous internet forum. And in the grand scheme it isn't that bad and sounds silly but it really cast a shadow on my day. I felt unsettled and frightened to be woken up like that. I tried to say that but he doesn't believe I am scared of his actions.

His actions are abusive.

I would seriously consider how you become primary carer

Do you get anytime alone with her? Could you try and make a Saturday morning slot that is just all about you and her? Also, do you have time either end of the day that you could perhaps spend with her? Maybe he could make her routine a bit later so that you have time to spend with her when you get home.

From your post it does sound like the thing upsetting you the most is your lack of time with your daughter. He should be sensitive to this and try to arrange her routine so that you can at least spend a bit of time with her every day.

Also, I am sure she does love you heaps and I am sure she knows you love her. Most children are very sensitive and can pick up on such things.

How old is your DH? IS it still feasible for him to re-train? Could you afford to pay for him to go on a course?

I really feel for you. My situation was a bit different, as my xh didn't work due to depression, but nor did he take on childcare, so I ended up working f/t and paying for a nursery p/t when grandparents couldn't have him. I too feel cheated out of having the time I wanted with my son, and I know how much you can envy SAHMs in that situation. It will be the one big regret of my life I think, as he's now at school and not a day goes by when I don't wish for more time with him.

I don't really know what advice to give, other than to think things through very carefully, and don't go rushing into having another baby, tempting though it is when you want one. Babies don't mend anything, and you may well feel twice as bad going back to work and leaving two children behind.

Sleep deprivation is a well-known torture tactic used by seriously-abusive people

I am not surprised to read of violence here too

OP, this man is an utter piece of shit. Please speak to Women's Aid and start to figure out your exit. Please do not have any more children with such a man. He will not be happy until he has destroyed you utterly.

What he's doing is abusive. It is that bad - depriving you of sleep, getting angry about not having sex (when he woke you up!), deliberately agitating and upsetting you before a stressful day. This coupled with previous violence and aggression - you're in a very unhealthy, abusive relationship. A loving partner wouldn't do those things to you.

I think you should get some legal advice on the quiet, talk to Women's Aid, find out what your rights are. Custody does still usually go to the mother, so don't panic, look into it properly. You don't have to do anything with information right away, just having the knowledge will help you see your way. If there's any more violence, report it.

Could you release some equity to cover you and then take some unpaid leave? or alternatively see what you're entitled to if you did take a career break?
I'm just thinking how you can slip back into being primary carer to put you in the best posible postion if you leave him.
Also defo speak to womansaid, he is abusive x

Please go to the doctors as a starting point, you sound at your wits end, you mention having nightmares, you are stressed and not sleeping and you are being harassed til you don't know which way is up. You do need to get help, I get the impression you are hoping to hold it all together and hope noone notices, but the cost to yourself is just incredibly high. Please talk to a relative or friend too, and do think about talking to women's aid as it sounds horrible in your home.

I've been thinking about you for the last couple of days, TFU. Hope you're ok.

Could you look at getting a break in your mortgage repayments or going interest-only for a period? Or possibly remortgaging? Just to allow you to go par-time and therefore take on more care for your daughter. I think if you get some good legal and financial advice on the quiet, you'll be able to see ways out of this.