Post affair sex with your H, how, when? And also, wearing my rings...

[Bogeyface]

So, its something I have been thinking about, not because I want to have sex with him but more because I dont.

He didnt have a physical affair but it was sexual in that he was sexting with an ex and did try to arrange to meet her for sex, so I am struggling with the thought of having sex with him. We agreed to counselling, we are waiting for an appointment and he is trying very hard to sort things out. But I cant see me ever wanting to have sex with him again, which of course is going lead to the break up of the marriage on its own as we are both highly sexed people. It isnt sex in itself I dont want but I really am struggling with the concept of getting physically close to him again. He cut off sex when I was pg, because he said that he felt weird about it and then the cheating started. I dont think he is lying about that and the sexting didnt start until after the sex had stopped between us, but I was so hurt and confused when I was PG and he didnt want me. Now I am angry and I do wonder if part of this problem is me "punishing" him for not only taking the sex and intimacy away with no consultation when i was pg and but also for satisfying his needs elsewhere.

Can I get over this? I do feel that if we are going to make this work then we need to reconnect in all ways and sex was, until a year ago when I got pg, a major part of our relationship. If we were having a bad time then sex brought us closer physically and emotionally, and when we werent having sex I did find myself drifting away from him. I feel that this is something I need to address but I dont know how.

Also, I took my rings off when I found out about the affair. I didnt want to wear them because they felt meaningless. He gave them to me when he promised to love and be faithful to me always, and a few short months later he broke those promises. I dont want to just start wearing them now because we are not anywhere near fixed, and I dont feel married in the emotional sense. However, on the other hand as we have committed to working things out I feel that I should make some gesture that shows this.

Any ideas? I am so confused and go from feeling good one day that we can work past this, to being in tears the next day to being fuming angry the day after that :(

but ~can i trust....

this is your thread bogey, if you wanna drop it, we drop it

although to be fair, if you look back to my original comment I did say this is a red flag for some men

I was actually starting to talk about how pregnancy can sometimes be a flashpoint for some men...to feel entitled to cheat, to step up control issues, to reinforce negative gender roles etc etc etc

but ...your thread, I respect your wish to not let it get derailed

I appreciate that AF :)

Sorry to be so simplistic but do you still like/love him? Would you marry him if you met him now as a third party IYKWIM?

My exH admitted he didn't fancy me when I was pregnant because my stomach was so huge...that hurt!! Afterwards was fine, and at that time he didn't seek sex elsewhere and was very loving in other ways. No, the affair came later, but that's a different story!

After I found out about his affair, which was physical, I wanted to make the relationship work so badly I wanted to have sex with him all the time. I can see this now as needy behaviour, I wanted that intimacy back with him so much. I know now that I was behaving in an incredibly stupid way, he was having both of us! I also put myself in a very vulnerable position (no pun intended) because I was practically throwing myself at his feet and taking any control away from myself.

I think you are thinking about this in a very rational, analytical way, and actually protecting yourself. I wish so much that I'd thought like that - it would have spared me so much pain and embarrassment. We too had counselling and I was convinced it was going to make us better in no time. I was unprepared for the hurtful things it was going to bring up, and totally unprepared to hear my exH finally admit that he wanted the marriage to end.

RE the rings - he has caused this situation, now you have to deal with the fallout and make your own decisions that suit you. If you don't want to wear them, then don't. If it was right for you, it would feel right and you would have done it. You aren't ready yet.

In a rambling way, I'm trying to say I think you're approaching this in a good way, you are weighing things up properly. No-one can give you the answers you need except yourself, and this is the way to do it. Time does help. I hope counselling helps you both find the way forward.

Hmm, re-reading your OP, I wonder if you've thought about the extent to which sex is a central part of your relationship? It almost seems like the be-all and end-all for both of you...is there more to your relationship that you could both work on? What if one of you had an accident and couldn't have sex ever again - would it be over between you? Is it the only way you can express love or any emotion to each other? If so, it's a possible reason why you don't want to have sex with him - you're protecting yourself from further hurt. It's definitely something to flag up with the counsellor.

Good point from Spellcheck - are you able to connect emotionally in other ways?