The old no-friends chestnut...

[specialsmasher]

I?ve been feeling so unhappy lately that I thought I?d look for some reassurance on here. For a variety of reasons I seem to have arrived at the age of 40 with no proper friends ? by which I mean people who straightforwardly like me; who phone up; who want to spend time with me; who I feel relaxed and happy with. I can?t even imagine how it would feel to have a really good group of friends. I desperately envy people who do have this.

I missed various chances ? without realising how catastrophic it would be to my life & well-being ? to make and maintain friendships. I didn?t really get, along the way, that these were important times (university, for example) and that I would not get endless chances to meet people in a way that was likely to be lasting. Worse, I messed up many friendships that I did have ? hard to explain why or how - but various people who might have been lasting friends have been lost along the wayside.

Since having children, I have made one or two friends, and was really happy to have met one particular friend who seemed to like me and we had a laugh together. She has tons of friends though, and things have petered off over the last couple of years ? it?s me who suggests meeting up, and although she often agrees I would like her to text occasionally so that I feel like she really would like to have my company.

The worst thing for me is that my self-esteem has taken such a battering because of this that I?m worried that I will not be able to be a friend anyway - who wants an insecure slightly desperate new friend? I feel like this doesn?t match my actual personality, but it is an insidious change which I battle off but which is tiring.

I?m worried that my relationship with my dh will suffer. I wish I could just get on with enjoying him and my dcs, and just not worry about the other stuff but my brain relentlessly thinks about how few people actually give a toss where I am, how I am, or what I do, that it?s exhausting.

I tried the toddler group approach, and I?m on a committee for my dd?s school -I try to stay positive and get ?out there?
I posted on here a couple of years ago about this, so apologies if this rings bells! As you can see, it?s no better.

Thanks for reading ? I?ll check later if anyone responds ? got to look after dcs now!

Although my dh knows, I can?t bring myself to say to him how unhappy I feel ? it wrenched at my stomach all day yesterday but I didn?t say anything, asI feel so humiliated & I can?t bear for him to pity me.

My mum has made excellent female friendships in both choirs and walking groups- both tend to have lots of women who either like to get away from their husbands a bit (!) or are on their own in them and so contain plenty of people willing to make friends or just chat a bit during the breaks.

You've had some great replies here! Cailin and hardgoing offered very, very good practical advice. I agree that it's more likely your battered self-esteem is causing the lack of friends, rather than the other way around - also that your expectations may be a little too high. While we're students, we do act like the groups in Friends or S&C but, after that, life sort of gets in the way of the fun!

Trying to add to the above, remember that friendships aren't created by fairy dust, they are transactions. See what you can offer - offer it - and see what you want back. Assessing your relationships in this way can feel a bit harsh but, in fact, you're only quantifying what we all do all the time. (Your 'offer' doesn't have to be anything massive, it might be a cup of coffee or a joke.)

Use Facebook. Mind you, I've just been tracking down some old friends & acquaintances on there - and realised it's almost impossible to find my women friends, because they change their names when they marry! Another reason to hang on to your old name ...

As this issue's bothering you so much, I wonder if you might be feeling depressed? Obsessing over something like this is called "ruminating". Could you try setting aside, say, quarter of an hour each day to invest in friend-builing, then put the whole matter aside for the rest of the day? If you seriously can't manage it, it could be worth a visit to your GP.

I have actually lost several friends as my kids have got older, as it became harder and harder to do stuff with the children when they were opposite gender, different interests etc. When they start secondary, you never meet any new parents. Then when friends got divorced etc, they seemed to want to spend time with friends in similar life situations etc. My friendship group has dwindled rather.
I worry that in your 40s, people have all the friends they can manage so won't respond well to ''advances'' from a potential new friend.

I have three friends who excell at this stuff. Here's what I've noticed about them. The first is a joiner and organiser, she is proactive and inclusive. She organises social interactions around activities - a walking club, a book club, special interest group member. Think corporate, intelligent and rational in approach. The second is a calm helpful listener, got a problem go to her, need a favour she's your girl. She does not keep score on favours, but is not afraid to ask for help as well. She is emotionally open without being needy. She uses brief frequent contact with people ( think texts etc). The third is the life and soul of the party. Opinionated and independent she gets away with it because she's hilarious - but boy does she work at it (think actress putting on a show). Think lessons i've learnt from watching these expects is that they all work at it, all have a sense of who they are and play to their strengths, have a walkaway point with people which makes the rejection issue something they own as well. I think there may be something about working out what sort of friend you want to be that may be a starting point. Hope this helps and remember that all three of the above experts have confided in me that they feel the same as you at various points over the years. ( PS so have I.)

It's hard, isn't it? I've found, much to my surprise, that a novice runners' club set up by our school was just brilliant from the social point of view. Maybe it's the way the wheezy, red-faced puffing breaks up the awkward gaps in the conversation?

(Am least sporty and least social person imaginable, dragooned into it by organised local parent in order to 'train' for the Race for Life charity thingy, but it's been great.)

The short answer is join a community choir or gym. ( Please read on though) That worked for me as I am privileged to live in a tiny town and suddenly I saw lots of people I 'knew' - that made me feel more rooted. Then the very few people I wanted to be closer just happened. My closest friend though, just came along out of nowhere - ironically enough.

If you live in a palce with little sense of community then that is doubly difficult - but not impossible.

I know what you mean exactly - I became very aware of how psychically alone I was when I realised my partner at the time was useless at emotional support - and he was all. I. had. - through my own choices and fears, I fully realised. But a precarious place to be nonetheless.

I had therapy too, in the wake of that. I thought I'd be advised to join clubs and meet people as my social isolation was so glaringly obvious. Not at all - it focussed on me at a deep level and was incredibly, incredibly helpful. That lady retired subsequently and we still keep in touch. This is unorthodox of course, but she is now a dear friend too.

Best of luck...!

i think it's never too late to meet a good friend. i do agree that you've got to get out there and stop bringing the baggage of past mistakes / experiences with you.

who knows - you may make those same decisions if you got to live your life over again! trust yourself that you did the best you could at the time.

CailinDana makes some excellent points. be a good listener and it'll stand you in good stead.

have hobbies and try and host a coffee morning for it - like the book club. people appreciate that you made the effort.

you sound lovely and i'm sure that soon things will change for you.

Just wanted to say that ideas for making friends around activities is a really good one. It allows getting to know people in a much more natural environment.

It is very hard to make new friends. When I moved to a new town I didnt know anyone and only met people through work. It took a long time to make acqaintances and then turn those into friends. I found that the best thing I did was to take up any opportunity for socialising, even if I didnt feel like it. I eventually encountered some people who were likeminded, and said that the next time they were going out, would love to come along, new in the area. They responded well. It is very hard to "put yourself out there" so to speak, but I think you have to create opportunities to get to know people, and be prepared to have to chip away slowly before a friendship is created.

I am quite confident on the surface, but when people get to know me I'm quite different, similar to what a previous poster said. I can only imagine what it is like when you are quite shy. My mother is very very shy and has really struggled since she moved to a new area. She doesnt work and has few hobbies. In 2 years she has made one friend, who has sadly moved away from that area. I keep trying to persuade her to join a gym/running club/horse riding club/anything because I think that an activity which includes socialising is the best way, because it happens more naturally.

I would recommend going to your library for ideas of what you might be able to join in with. Mine is covered in flyers for all sorts of groups. You might find something that appeals, and take it from there.

Best of luck with it all.

Just wanted to say thanks again to all - just read through the messages again and I am touched that so many of you took the time to try and help.

Thank you!

I also think you sound lovely. I'm pretty sure I'd be friends with you, so please don't lose faith.

I am naturally quite shy, but steel myself and chat to everyone. Smiling and complimenting on something (nice bag or whatever) is a really good opener if nothing else comes to mind.

I think if you persevere and stay positive, you'll attract nice people. I moved to my area knowing nobody but have a large circle of acquaintances now and a handful of good friends. It took a long time to build this up though, and is an ever evolving process!

Wishing you well. I do think everyone feels the way you do from time to time, I know I have.