How will I get through this???

[enoughisenough86]

Hi, I've name changed for this but I'm sure a few people will recognise my story so please don't let on my regular name.
I'm planning to leave an abusive partner. My main concern is my son, he's 3. After he was born was when partner started getting really abusive, he shattered my confidence and was a massive contributor to the seriousness of PND as he wouldn't let me bond with him. I completely went off the rails, started taking drugs (that he was supplying!) and had little interest in DS. Social Services became involved because of our "volatile relationship" and police have been calls several times. I've never admitted the truth to police but I know they knew full well.
I never kept quiet that he was violent...told everyone but nobody seemed to want to make him face up to his problems.
I moved out for 6 months when things got too bad, I wasn't allowed to take DS, that was made clear by DP. I had to get out. He was making me believe I was crazy! He would allow me to have him 1/2 nights a week.
Since last March (2010) I've become a new person and I know I'm a bloody good mum, I have him 5 nights a week but his dad still claims all the benefits for him.
It's only in hindsight I can see what he did to me with DS and having DD (now 11 weeks) has proved that as I now live alone, 1 mile from their dad.
I am the full time parent, yet in a row he tells me I have to fight him in court to see DS (there is no residency order in place). I just have no idea where I stand. I know he'd fight dirty and tell a court I don't bother with him.
This "man" attacked me whilst holding our daughter. He is cruel, shouts at us all to the point DS is desensitized to it, he grows weed for a living and has been out of work for 10+ years.
I've started a journal, I know he's too arrogant to prepare anything like it.
I need my son with me properly so I can be free of this dick...I just can't do anything too hasty.

The last straw was on Tuesday, I went round with the kids and he started shouting at me that I'd stole a tenner from his draw...I knew I hadn't took it so got on knees to look in the cupboard below, he ran at me and pulled me further to the floor by my hair and stamped on my head a few times before dragging me up and hitting my head of worktop.
I left to go to his mums but he wouldn't let me take the kids.
Bizarrely, although I'm sore, he left no bruises so I was scared to phone the police as unsure what happens with the kids when he tells them I hit him (I never have, he's a 6.4ft big bloke for a start, I just know he'll say anything to get to me)...I'm also terrified of not being believed, as was once the case when police came after he attacked me, one man said "I've met girls like you, causing trouble for their exes when you don't get what you want". I would have topped myself after that if it wasn't for my support worker.

It's sad because he is a good dad to the kids, I can't fault him for his involvement. It's just him as a role model, and obviously his temper.
For example, my son thinks it's perfectly normal that people hurt hands punching doors. Now DS is gonna be at least 6ft 4 so I do not want him to be a bully (not that size is a factor obviously but you know what I mean!).
I have a lovely, clean 2 bed flat, he has a dirty pokey 1 bed flat so I'm sure that would be taken into consideration too.
I had problems, I really lost the plot, but I cooperated with everyone and always asked for help when I needed it.
My drug worker from that time often had to make herself available for a whole afternoon when he had gone on one...she knew how abusive he was.
I also told social services what he did to me but he never had to do anything about it whereas I had to jump through hoops to prove I was a fit mum! I even told SS he was dealing coke yet they never took it anywhere!
HV used to go to his in pairs as they feared for their own safety...he is known for this.
My psychiatrist said there were no pills he could give me, what I needed was [hands me leaflet on DV]

So there's a pretty rambled version of events.
I need all the support I can get to help me get through this. He is not going to lie down and take this, I've got one hell of a fight on my hands. I'm terrified I'm not strong enough to do it. Terrified of losing custody of either of my babies to this beast.
I read today that leaving an abusive relationship is not a decision, it's a process, so please don't tell me I should have left him years ago, do it for the kids, etc...I feel enough guilt!
Also, it's only recently that I've started to realize that actually, not everything is my fault.

Any advice, kind words or support would be greatly appreciated...feeling so alone right now.
Sorry this is so long.

I understand, love

Just keep moving forward, and let people help you x

enoughisenough86 - I know it will be hard, but you REALLY need to stop smoking the weed. If it comes down to drug tests to see who is a more fit parent, you need to be clean.

Get any help you need, get some herbal sleep tablets (valerian complex etc), ANYTHING - but get off the drugs for both your and your DC's sakes.

I'm gettin support for the weed...nobody thinks it's in my best interest to give up right this minute. I smoke a spliff a night, outside...not on single person is questioning my parenting cuz of that.
He will also test positive for weed.
Damage limitation says a spliff is better than a bottle of vodka (currently don't drink a drop of alcohol).

Have had this MARAC explained in more detail so I know now it ain't like a secret meeting behind my back like I initially thought!

Emotion is coming over in waves...almost like grief.

Take care, love x

btw, I hope you didn't think I was questioning your parenting because you smoke weed.

God no AnyFucker. You have been nothing but supportive and a realist.
Social services "popped" round today...thankfully everywhere was spotless anyway!
The wanted to see the kids rooms and show them my weed stuff to prove it was out of the way!! Felt rather interrogated tbh. Makes me wonder why women speak up at all! Thankfully I'm very sane today so they are happy with the situation as it is.

ok

I'm glad you're feeling better about the MARAC process, it's really nothing for you to be scared about, it's about protecting you and your children. If you've scored 19 on the risk assessment you are at high risk of serious harm so maybe you need to think about getting away for a while. Have you considered taking the children and moving into a refuge? If you've both got PR and no one has a residence order then I think you could do this if you wanted to. I think you should be really proud of yourself for getting out of this relationship, it sounds as though you've made a lot of positive changes in your life.

lovey, you are coping, you are getting out and you are very clear on what you need to to to be safe: away from him.

While I was trapped abroad with X, I smoked weed every day; to cope, to relax, to hide from x and sex with him, to sleep away my existence. Others I know did sleeping drugs. It was a pitiful excuse for a life.

when I got home, I clearly didn't have any weed, so stopped that, and as all the sources of my need for it had gone, i didn't need it anyway. I gave up smoking 2m later.

you have been awfully brave, now you need to be strong. kicking the drugs was hard, but you did it. you packed in alcohol, so fags/weed is next. It's a chemical form of slavery, so reject it. you can and will survive without it. In fact you will thrive! I promise.

You are a good mother, you keep a clean house, you know what you need to do to be happy, and you know you need to protect your DC, you have taken big steps today, but these people will help you, as long as you keep trying.

one step at a time, WE will help keep you going, WA will help you too. They can help get the benefits into your name, they can help you get out if you need to, even in a hurry, or they can help you plan to get out in a more managed situation.

It'll be OK. It'll be BETTER than OK. Trust me! You can do this!

Hi I lost custody of my only child, 5 years ago. She was age 4. Nearly 10 now. It has ruined me, I had a anonymous referral which was deemed malicious. It spiralled out of control after that, I never done or charged with anything. Anyhow 5 years down the line, it’s 50/50 with father.
I know after a dozen times in court, I’ll never get custody back. Caffcass against me.. obviously no judge In the land would give 50/50 if I was wrong..I am finding it so hard to accept, it has destroyed me. Social workers are disgusting, I feel so ashamed and sad.. When my Daughter old enough I will explain, but it so wrong,Anyone give any positive advice. Please

Lawson you’ll be better off starting your own thread, but I think more detail is needed, as from what you’ve written you haven’t lost custody, but rather have a shared parenting arrangement with your daughter’s father? This isn’t particularly unusual and certainly nothing to be ashamed of - your daughter has two parents, neither of whom should be more important to her than the other. Unless there’s something you’ve not told us.