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Relationships

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Original poster

Not sure what to think

14 replies

Dibblefirkin · 14/08/2011 09:16

I'm looking for others perspectives as I'm not sure what to think. My DW has her work mobile displayed on her car. A few days a go she she received a phone message from a chap critiscing her driving. This rightly made her cross and against my advice sent a well crafted sarcastic text back. He then sent a text apologising to which she responded with a thank you. He then sent another text asking if she would like to go for a beer, to which she responded no i'm happily married. All well and good however, when she told me about the asking out text, I was away at the time, she initially lied about having sent her second text - she did though correct her lie a few minutes later. Any way later in the week, whilst she was out without mobile, having answered her mobile, I had a quick glance through her texts (yes I know but not the issue here), the texts from the chap were not in the in-box but had been moved to a seperate not often used folder. Later on that evening I asked whether I could see the texts or whether they had been deleted? She told me they had been deleted. When challenged, she claimed that she had kept the texts to show her friend as she had been amused and titilated by them (plausible and why not) she also claimed that the texts had been moved to a different folder to keep room in her in-box (less plausible) but even so why lie about them. She claims she doesn't know why she lied and is apologetic. I can understand everything except the lying - why would she do that? we have been married for 20 yrs and have a trusting relationship which has now been damaged - am I over-reacting or is there likely to be more to this? thoughts please

OP posts:

Hassled · 14/08/2011 09:24

I don't understand who the guy is - a colleague? The thing about the bad driving - had he seen her driving somewhere and was teasing her? Did it sound like part of a long-running in-joke/winding each other up type thing?

It's more than likely she was amused and flattered by the texts and really did move them because she wanted to re-read/show her mate. We're all (usually) a bit chuffed when someone finds us attractive - that's standard. If it were a female colleague of yours, wouldn't part of you be secretly pleased to know you still had it? And she lied because she was embarrassed she felt that way and knew it was a bit disloyal. It doesn't translate into her pursuing things with the guy or wanting to pursue things or anything at all. Don't put 2 and 2 together and come up with 6.

squeakytoy · 14/08/2011 09:25

I do think you are over-reacting. If she had anything to hide, I doubt she would have mentioned the second text anyway. She probably felt you were putting her under some sort of interrogation, or was testing you to see if you had been looking through her phone.

deliasniff · 14/08/2011 09:48

what Hassled said

Original poster

Dibblefirkin · 14/08/2011 09:54

Thanks - what you say makes sense - I think. The chap driving was just someone who beeped at her at a round-about.. I still don't understand that if all is so innocent - why hide the texts and why lie! She is always secretive/protective about her texts and e-mail

OP posts:

maras2 · 14/08/2011 10:17

If it was a stranger, how did he get her number?

ineedabodytransplant · 14/08/2011 10:36

maras2,

the OP said her number is displayed on her car.

maras2 · 14/08/2011 11:04

Oops.Sorry, lazy reading on my part.

GabrieleJ · 14/08/2011 12:15

I don't think you're over reacting, if it was my husband lying about texts and hiding them I would be suspicious.

I don't think you should straight away think something's going on but I would tell her that you feel that this sort of think damages your trust in her...

It's best to talk it out as well otherwise your imagination might run wild and you might start seeing things when there's nothing there.

And it probably is just that she feels chuffed that she still has it and that she was asked out, that sort of thing is flattering :)

RabbitPie · 14/08/2011 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Dibblefirkin · 14/08/2011 12:49

Perhaps I'm being over sensitive - we generally share an E-mail account but she also has another account, mainly for work which I know she also uses for some friends, she gets a bit defensive if I ask what she is doing and she certainly won't share the password. Likewise she hates it if I pick up her mobile. That said I'm reasonably certain nothing untoward is going on - I think. Likewise, I don't think she had any intention of taking up the offer. What I am struggling with is why lie and try and keep things secret - what was her thought process? and implications of that.

OP posts:

Hassled · 14/08/2011 16:38

I really think she just lied because she was embarrassed - didn't want to be caught acting like a giggling teenager who knows someone fancies her. And she's entitled to some privacy - I don't know my DH's email password and he certainly doesn't know mine. If he ever asked I'd tell him, but I'd be wondering WTF was going on in his head.

Unless there's stuff you're not saying - like your marriage really isn't that happy anymore or something (else) has changed - then I think you're having a bout of irrational insecurity. You could sit down and tell her how you're feeling and that you need some reassurance, but be very careful you don't come across as controlling.

ledkr · 14/08/2011 17:33

I aggree she was probably just chuffed and wanted to share the funny story with friends. I think you sound generally a bit freaked out especially when you say 20 yrs of trust are now ruined.
Things like that have happened to me-wrong no,old friends got in touch etc,dh does a good job of acting cool and i find that keeps me more on my toes than if he was whiney and jealous like i would be back off a bit,you are giving dw too much attention.

Original poster

Dibblefirkin · 14/08/2011 18:54

Thanks H & L - agree about the privacy thing it had never crossed my mind to look at her E-mails, its only subsequent to events that her behaviour seemed suspicious (though I think that is post event paranoia) I also get the chuffed business - the whole thing would not be an issue without the text hiding and lying. Embarrassment could be a reason, but she claims not to know why she lied, its also out of character for her - hence my confusion over possible over reaction or not!

OP posts:

Bluelantern · 15/08/2011 19:00

Having read this thread I think it is important not to over-react. In my experience people normally have a reason for lying. It could be as suggested that she was just embarrassed that she felt flattered by someone asking her out. Because of the flattery, excitement(?) of being asked out she could have decided to keep them, to look at when feeling low, to boost self-esteem. Also whilst she may not have had any intention of acting upon the text, she may have wanted to keep them, purely because the thought of doing something exciting (wrong) may have excited her. Lastly, whilst she may not have motive and opportunity to do anything now, she may have wanted to keep them to give her the option (see previous point), do you go away at all? Was the refusal text a flat no or was there any ambiguity or particular thanks. I think you need to chat, because when I see people lying they normally have something to hide and that applies to both sexes.

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