Please, please help me to stop engaging with ex H.

[akaemmafrost]

. I am feeling quite desperate actually. We have been split up for a long time but try to joint parent our dc.

Today, he let them down, again, to be in the pub, again. He always says he is working and this is what he tells the dc. He texted about an hour before he was due to arrive "not coming, can't get away from work, prepare kids". No! you are not working, you are in the pub watching the football, you twunt! It is me that has to tell the kids and deal with the fall out, we have one child with SN and he can take it very badly sometimes. Ex and I have endless discussions about it and he always agrees he is out of order......till the next time.

I was angry today when I received that message and told him that I thought he was an arse and treating his dc badly. He responded with telling me I was a "leech", "scrounger", "lazy", "crap mother, who never does anything with the kids", "never worked in all the time we were together". I didn't work because that was what we agreed that I would be SAHM, then when our ds turned three he was diagnosed with autism and now it would be impossible for me to work. Every time I opened a message my mind was screaming at me not to because I knew it would be insults and abuse, but I couldn't not open them.

He is, I believe an alcoholic, he was and is abusive, verbally now but it was physical when we were together. Why do I keep on engaging? Why can't I stop? I feel like if I don't say anything when he behaves like this he will just get worse and worse and I can't stand to see him hurting my dc.

Please anyone who is going through something similar, how do you deal with it. He is such a bully but whenever I stand up for myself the abuse is terrifying. I feel like I have gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson right now.

It sounds like you're in a horrible situation. I wish I had some answers for you. He's still being a manipulative abuser and a bad father, just as he was when you lived with him.

I know this yet I still can't seem to stop biting. I feel weak and pathetic for not being able to stop it. It will never end.

Don't tell DCs re his coming over. What age are they? If they don't have any concept of Saturday/weekend then it won't matter. Make the arrangement with him, if he texts to cancel read and then delete. Make note though of missed contact in a diary.
Is there any other family member who could step in to give you a break? A friend you could go round to if he messes up? Something that the kids would enjoy that would take their mind off a no show? It doesn't have to be for ever, just till you stop feeling wound up by him.
If he really prefers the pub/football to seeing his kids, he's a loser and better not to have high hopes. I guess you could do with a break, though, so it would be good if you had a fallback position.

Thank you. I seem to go through stages of disengaging. For example he disappeared for a week and didn't contact dc in all that time about a month ago. I didn't care and was quite calm about it. Didnt even say anything when he did turn up again. Just today for some reason it really needled me. I just wish I could just not allow him to get to me at all, any time. I do so well for months even and then just something tips me over the edge and I have to say something.

They are 8 and 4. What is worse is the my ds who is autistic was told by his Dad that they would watch a movie, play the wii and order pizza etc so he was really looking forward to it. You know writing that makes me realise what a FCKING ARSEHLE ex is to let him down like that! The trouble is I start believing the things he says to me and it becomes about that instead of the real issue ie hurting his dc, which I suppose is what he wants isn't it?

Send him a text telling him he is a pathetic excuse for a father, a no good for nothing cunt and a piece of shit and that whilst you understand his need to abuse you his comments mean nothing because he is nothing.

Then don't text him anymore.

Oh and if it means anything today I took my dc out for three hours, baked cakes, did sticking and colouring, helped ds record a video of all his lego and played on the wii with them. Yes this lazy mother that I am!

Oh and ask him if he still has a small dick that doesn;t work.

fabbychic thank you. I feel better reading that.

Hey you take care of yourself and your children, the guy ain't worth a rub, the only rub he gets is when he does it himself. x

You will get there.

Think of it this way - he's the one missing out, for alcohol. And he will live to regret it.

The next time it happens (because of course it will!), just text back, 'What a shame, you won't get this time back - they grow up so fast! Never mind, the children are adjusting to it. Enjoy the pub.'

Then ignore the flurry of guilt-induced attacks by text. You know what they mean, right? They mean that he knows he's a shit, and feels bad. So at that point you don't reply. You let your silence speak volumes. And just do that in future. Effective and devastating.

One day, you'll get to the point where he'll send that text, and you won't bother to reply at all. And the kids won't be sad, because they won't expect him to come. And in twenty years' time, the tears will be all his.

Thanks for your replies. Feel a bit better this morning. I don't know why I let my guard down yesterday. I haven't for months. I feel sick and shaky when I think of the names he called me. He has done a very effective job of actually making it about me instead of him. I just hate how he turns up after not bothering with them for days, takes them out and buys them something and all is forgiven. I wish I could just maintain my boundaries constantly with him but it's just so hard to keep watching him do this to dc.

it is hard.

but go for shouty's version of words otherwise you as bad as him. text something light and factual.

to disengage you have to ignore ignore and only text factual information.

also when you get a text dont respond for ten minutes (or longer) . an hour better - unless it is specific text about arrangements.

I would try hard to keep the dates when contact should occur from your dc particularly the younger one. I'm sure your elder one already has a good measure of your ex.

Do you have fixed contact? If not that use it to their advantage and say he could probably have them on x.

Horrible for you and the dc though isn't it

Yes, I have started not telling them when he is due to come, they are calmer then and quite honestly don't seem to notice that much. No, no fixed contact, we are trying to parent flexibly, which in theory is best for our dc ie they can see Dad whenever they want. In practice though he just turns up when he feels like it and stays for as long as he feels like. He is in control of the whole thing really.

Have not responded to any texts or calls that were not strictly necessary. Obviously since the row the other night he has gone into Super Dad mode, had them all night last night and says he is coming again tonight.

Have you tried the Baggage Reclaim website OP?
There's a post there about doing no contact when you have kids. It might help.