How should I go about a housework strike?

[pallymama]

Might sound like a bit of a daft question, but I'm struggling a bit with the specifics.

Posted this back in January. Thanks to the insight and advice offered, we had a long talk, and things have been a good bit better since. Up until a month or so ago. I've ill for about 2 weeks, and he hasn't lifted a finger to help, he's even stopped doing the bits that are his "usual jobs". I pulled him up on it this morning, causing some grand gestures on his part, but I know it won't last, it never does.

I figure if i go on strike, it might start getting through to him, and if not, at least I've reduced my work load! So how do I manage a housework strike without letting the house get so filthy it's not safe for DD? Obviously I won't be doing any laundry for him, and I'm going to start eating tea with DD before he gets home. What else should I do, or not do? Any tips from anyone who's tried this before?

Good luck OP! I think I read your other thread at the time. He's acting like a child, treat him like one :o

I have now read your post from january.

Bit late, yes, I know.

I'd give the lists etc one more go.

If that does not work, then I would really urge you to make an appt with Relate and go for couple's counselling. Yes, that serious.

You see, it's not just about housework; it's about respect for you and care for you.

he is in fact not listening to you- or if he is, he is choosing to ignore and putting his needs first.

As an absolute minimum, even if he did not actively help he should not make you more mess; ie puttting his cup in siink/ dishwasher is the absolute minimum.

Did his mum do everything for him? Did he live on his own before you married? if he did, what was his place like?

I really would tell him you want couple's counselling unless he shapes up soon.

How is the strike going? Has he noticed!?

Do you have the money for help?

After a good start, things have not been going to plan! Firstly, I'm still not well, but after a trip to the GP and 2 bags full of prescriptions, DH has twigged that he needs to pick up the slack. Changed the bed, did one load of laundry, and emptied the dishwasher (including putting it all away!). Now he's come down ill too, so neither of us is up to getting much done. :(

Dozer - Not as things stand currently.

I have offered him another option though. I currently work PT, and DD goes to a local nursery. I am also trying to re-train in my spare time (when I have any!) Our wages get paid into our own bank ACs, and split from there for bills etc. I could stop working, but DD would have to stay on at nursery 1 day a week, and his wages would have to be paid into a joint AC and I would have "financial control". This means that I would be responsible for all the week to week housework, but he would have to do any gardening/diy jobs I give him at the weekend.

He's ok with all that if it's what I want to do. I'm not sure how I feel about it though. He already earns a lot more than me, so I'm fairly financially dependant on him as it is. I would have 1 day a week off as it were, which I could use to focus on my training. I would also have more time with DD, so we would be able to do more days out. It all sounds good, but giving up a job just seems wrong somehow. Also, the little feminist in me is screaming that it's not the 1950s!

Don't give up your job. It would just let him off the hook and increase your financial dependence on him.

Presumably your retraining would in the long term allow you either to earn more, or enjoy your job more. It sounds like you need to organise more time for that as you don't have any spare time at the moment. Can you keep your job but find the equivalent of a day a week from

• him spending that amount of time on (his share of) housework?
• him paying for an extra day of DD in nursery, in exchange for an equal amount of time spent by you on housework?

I also think the strike sounds like a great idea.

Friend of mine went pro-active with her lazy-ass husband when they married. Said chap found all of the clothes he had left on the bedroom floor and had been asked/told/pleaded with to pick up had been chucked out of the window and were strewn around the garden. Apparently he started picking up after himself fairly swiftly.

Gargh!
DH has spent over a week in bed as he was ill. Apparently too damn ill to even flush the damn toilet! But not so fucking ill that he can't drag his laptop and a small mountain of dvds upstairs.

When I'm ill, there is no option but to just carry on. I know that's part of the package when you have children. It just fucks me off that I'm expected to "man up" and get on with things with no help whatsoever, but for DH it's perfectly acceptable to spend a whole week lounging about in bed!

I have told him that while I don't expect him to leap out of bed and start hoovering, I'm feeling pretty bloody resentful of him and his double standards. I have told him that it's pretty clear he has no respect for me, and I'm doubting if he loves me. He avoids confrontation almost as much as he avoids housework, so typically he had nothing to say. I asked him if we're going to talk about it at all, he says "I imagine we will." (not even a hint of sarcasm) Two days later, I ask again. He says he does love me, but he's not ready to talk yet. Today I ask him how he can do, and say nothing when he knows how upset I am, he says he doesn't know.

I feel like I'm stuck in limbo, waiting until he deems it time to talk, so I can find out if we're going to try to fix this.

Time for I think.
Sorry for ranting, just had to let it out somewhere. :(

Not sure if this helps but we had "important" guests this weekend and I was working my socks off trying to cleanmonths of neglect in order to pretend we always live in pristine loveliness. I felt that DH was watching a little too much cricket for my liking, along with "needing" to go to the gym and so forth, whilst I was slaving. I also detected at one point that he was angling for a shag once the kids had gone off out.
I pointed out, quite pleasantly under the circumstances I felt, that his fastest route to a shag was to get up off his backside, empty and clean the fridge, put the hoover round and empty the washing machine. Result!

Thanks clam, that made me smile :)

Difficult one.

I'm crap at doing jobs as in I don't notice them. DW had to say "OMC, can you empty the bins".

Having said that, it's probably because I get absorbed (as in forget to eat). DW once stopped ironing for me, which I didn't realise until I ran out of shirts, so I wandered off and ironed them. She said it was slow and painful to watch she'd rather do it.

I have my jobs; doing fire & ashes; changing beds, hoovering downstairs, weekend cooking.
I'll also do laundry (even sorting whites & colours), when I notice it, clean up after the dogs, (and bath them) wash up and so on.

If DW went on a housework strike, the risk would be I wouldn't notice. If I ran out of plates/clothes I'd wash them. I'd hoover if I saw something on the floor. I'd change the sheets through habit.