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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Isn't it unfair that so few of us have to bother with this love stuff?

48 replies

DrunkenRant · 13/08/2011 02:42

I mean, really. If any us of end up with partners/husbands, most of them will be duffers. We all know that, but most of us go along with that and settle down and have kids with them, and then we complain we've married an idiot.

Isn't it unfair so few of us have to at least try and fall in love?

OP posts:

Yama · 13/08/2011 13:14

Mal - I like reading your happy marriage posts.

AnyFucker · 13/08/2011 13:24

If I ever get divorced, I would not be looking to enter into a long term commitment (marriage or otherwise) again

However, I do agree that most men are nothing like the twats described in some posts on the Relationships board

and that is why I am a strong advocate of women not putting up with being treated like shit

because there are lots of good men out there, so why would you ? One man is never, ever worth it

what can be a problem though, is that some women seek to have the wonky radar which ends up with them hooking up with twatty men repeatedly

AnyFucker · 13/08/2011 13:24

seem to have a wonky radar

didyouseewhatshedid · 13/08/2011 13:39

or chronically low self esteem..

AnyFucker · 13/08/2011 13:42

yes, that too

GloriaVanderbilt · 13/08/2011 13:44

It does make me wonder, reading things on here, how people end up married to such complete eejits, but then I never managed to end up married to anyone.

I have dated some proper twonks though
and now there is DP who is completely bloody beautiful in almost every way, and I cannot imagine ever finding him unreasonable, but then again we probably won't get married either...I'm probably the twonk in this situation.

I'm working on it though as he is so absolutely worth it. We're nearly 40 - it took me this long to reach a point of enough emotional maturity to handle a decent man. And I still struggle. But he's putting up with me so far.

didyouseewhatshedid · 13/08/2011 13:48

another theory: familarity breeds contempt. Over time the minor irritations become greatly magnified specially when people are cooked up in some house together for years on end. Men end up snapping more than women.

coccyx · 13/08/2011 13:49

Why would someones elses happiness make you want to puke???
I am happily married for 20 years. We have an equal marriage. i am not down trodden etc.
I do wonder why some women stay with such no hopers and the like.

Anifrangapani · 13/08/2011 13:52

I love my husband, but I don't always like him - that is when I post about his moronic behaviour. I am sure he does the same about me. I am not sure that I could cope with full on butterflies all the time, because that is partly based on fear of the unknown. Some of the best days are the chilled ones.

garlicbutter · 13/08/2011 13:53

I know this isn't a thread about Mumsnet Relationship Harridans, but anyways ... I've just written a post on Stately Homes, in which I acknowledged that I'd never experienced compassion until my forties. To my mind, this explains my erstwhile wonky radar. What I didn't know, I couldn't seek. And, of course, twats recognise that - I was already primed to suffer stoically.

Even if I'd had every version of "Listen Up", The Loser and the bill of rights pasted in my diary, the twats would still have reeled me in because I didn't expect to be cared for. I didn't know how.

I also agree with Mal that twats hang out with twats. It's all about shared values, innit? So, if you find yourself in a twat-full life, you've gotta take a look at your own values. I do think forums like this help enormously as they give you a peek into different kinds of lives, with their different values.

squeakytoy · 13/08/2011 14:04

I think it is unfair to assume that all the men posted about on here are duffers. Yes often the threads start out because someone has a problem, but as the thread goes on, people will post mixed responses, and many have been in shit relationships, and are now in great ones, which really does help you to rationalise and make sense of what is and isnt a good solid relationship.

I am in a very happy marriage now (oh we certainly have rows, and neither of us are perfect), but it certainly took me quite a few complete fuck ups of relationships to get here. I can look back now and wonder why on earth I put up with some of the crap I did, but its all part of life I suppose, and I do think it makes me feel I can offer a bit of optimism to someone who is going through a really shit time, and tell them that there is always light at the end of that tunnel.

windsorTides · 13/08/2011 14:06

Oh there are loads of great men out there, just as there are loads of great women.

Seeing as the blokes that DYSWSD is referring to are presumably shagging women, it follows that there's an equal number of arsehole women out there, who are either shagging someone who's attached, or who are in relationships themselves. It works both ways.

There are also lots of monogamous relationships that benefit both parties in equal measure, but I think that's because those couples have individually high standards of how they like to be treated. If you insist on being treated with dignity and respect and won't be short-changed, you tend to get what you want and need.

If you start from the perspective of the OP, that all men are inherent wankers and so your expectations are low, even someone who is a moderate wanker will seem like a prize.

Malificence · 13/08/2011 15:10

"another theory: familarity breeds contempt. Over time the minor irritations become greatly magnified specially when people are cooked up in some house together for years on end. Men end up snapping more than women."

God what a depressing and dismal POV.

Interestingly, all the very long, happy marriages I know, contain strong, opinionated women who dont take any crap - funny that.

squeakytoy · 13/08/2011 15:12

Equally, all the long happy marriages I know contain decent men who treat their wives with respect, (and a slight amount of fear )

Malificence · 13/08/2011 15:15

Ditto, squeakytoy.

TheFlyingOnion · 13/08/2011 15:22

Well I had a couple of relationships which didn't work out and then was single for ages, but I'm glad I didn't give up all hope as now I'm in love with an incredible guy who is just as in love with me in return....

All you old cynics make me feel

AnyFucker · 13/08/2011 17:23

DYSWSD, your latest post starts to look like you are edging towards excusing men's bad behaviour towards women

are you ?

if you hold your partner in "contempt" then that is the time to call it a day, whatever your gender

AnyFucker · 13/08/2011 17:23

that is the general "your", btw

empirestateofmind · 13/08/2011 17:41

Interestingly, all the very long, happy marriages I know, contain strong, opinionated women who dont take any crap - funny that.

Equally, all the long happy marriages I know contain decent men who treat their wives with respect, (and a slight amount of fear )

Mutual respect and strength of character on both sides seems to be a good recipe.

I have been with DH for 27 years, married for 22. We are no nonsense types; you won't ever see a Valentine's Day card in our house and we don't say "I love you". But it works for us. Well so far so good.

Cheaptrick · 13/08/2011 17:58

I think if its not working then you are with the wrong person.

You need self esteem and confidence in your self and then expect respect from your partner as well as honesty and communication.

I would not put up with any shit from anyone cos in this day and age i can find a job and support my family on my own. Its not a good idea to become dependant on anyone but yourself. But this does not mean a man cant share my life and make it better.

I totally agree with the wonky radia as my Dsis has one but she also has low selfesteem and no confidence in her self. I think its all about bountries and knowing you deserve to be treated good as well as treating the other person with respect and honesty.

If someone makes you unhappy over a few months/ a long time its not worth putting up with and its time to leave.

solidgoldbrass · 13/08/2011 18:03

THe really vital, essential message is this: a good relationship is nice but not essential, and it is far better to be single than involved in a crappy relationship. So if the man isn;t good enough dump him, and if a good one comes along that's nice, but if no good ones come along, that's fine as well.

exoticfruits · 13/08/2011 18:08

People tend to post if they have problems, if they feel they have the right person, and are perfectly happy they don't mention it. Therefore the impression that people get isn't necessarily the right one.

didyouseewhatshedid · 13/08/2011 21:48

SGB - you are a legend
Af - no not excusing men's bad behaviour at all. I guess what I am saying is that most relationships have a shelf life. People, as a (very general) rule get bored.
windsorTides - your post is class, especially the quote: "If you start from the perspective of the OP, that all men are inherent wankers and so your expectations are low, even someone who is a moderate wanker will seem like a prize."

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