Please can I have a bit of a hand-hold?

[LostInTranslati0n]

Started a thread about DP's issues/MIL issues a few days ago here. I'm posting on MN now because I don't have the guts to call my sister and my neighbours (good friends) are out. I've texted to see if they're coming back (he's on holiday and I think she is doing emergency housesitting with a v pregnant friend whose DH is also away) because I want to spend the night there.

'D'P is in the middle of building a computer and installing something. I had my headphones on so couldn't hear he was on the phone, took them off to show him something and he shouted "QUIET!" I then saw something totally unrelated was flashing (and had noticed it four hours ago) so I moved to turn it off and he shouted at me again and told me to go away. When I'd gone he started swearing at what he was working with.

I waited until he'd finished and he turned to me and said 'Now what?' What followed was (on my part) a calm request for him not to use that tone of voice with me again. He didn't get it, kept shouting that I didn't understand how important his project was, that he couldn't repeat the phone call and that a call to customer services (to sort out the missed info on the automated phone call) would be more hassle than treating me like an animal/small child (I asked him that outright).

He then told me that the reason I'd moved to turn the thing off (he brought it up) was that I was cross at being told to be quiet and I wanted to interfere in what he was doing. It's a totally separate system, he's works with IT for a living, he knows this. I explained (although I didn't see why I should have to) my reasons three times. Each time he just sneered and laughed as if I was trying to cover my tracks/deflect blame.

He sat back down and I said how sad it was that he didn't believe me - of all people - and would rather make up some convoluted psychological out-to-sabotage-me reasoning. Also pointed out that if I wanted to annoy him I could have just kept talking when he said "QUIET". He ignored me, carried on ignoring me and just snorted when I said he was ignoring me.

I cried silently for a few minutes, couldn't stop it being silent, he didn't notice/care, so I picked up my laptop & phone and came into our room (which is freezing). I'm shaking, have stopped crying. I can't believe how cold he is. I just can't. I'm so sorry for defending him to all those posters (have posted some things under my real MN name but have friends on here now so don't want to de-anon) who said these were red flags. I don't know what to do.

I feel so young and stupid. I'm just so glad we don't have DCs. We were even talking about it slowly (it's why I joined MN).

Its good youve set a time limit for things to improve . Have you told him this ? I also think some sort of private journal is essential ( possibly on here or a private blog ) as at the end of the 6 months you might find yourself wanting to minimize or ignore things .

Do be very very aware of his tendancy to dismiss your feelings , and this sort of thing

" He then told me that the reason I'd moved to turn the thing off (he brought it up) was that I was cross at being told to be quiet and I wanted to interfere in what he was doing "

He doesnt get to tell you what was motivating you , or what you were thinking or feeling , that is the mindset of an abuser unfortnateley , they assume to know you so well they claim to know what you are thinking .

I haven't told him about the deadline. I'll wait to see his reaction from thinking it through first. I do have a private blog I used a few years ago - keeping track of things is a good idea, thank you. It was him telling me what I was thinking that made me leave last night - reading MN has taught me that much (and I'm too much of a person ever to take something like that lying down).

I have read the articles on narcissism and some things rang true but I have a few questions please if anyone has the time to answer them?

• The blog talks about lying. He has never lied to me (i.e. 'I'll call you' and not doing so), he always does what he says he will (picking me up, doing favours, helping friends etc.) and he was the one initiating second and third dates when we started going out. Lying seems to be a fundamental component so I'm questioning whether he is a narcissist or just has some bad habits. From what I know I'm the first girlfriend for ten years, he hasn't had that many GFs and I'm the first girl he's lived with as a partner.

• For a smart guy he tends to assume an awful lot - my first present from him (Christmas) was horrifically extravagant. Specifics will out me but an equivalent would be my cheap phone being held together with sellotape and me saying, "I'm saving up for an iphone". He then spend, after we'd only been together one month, over £100 on a top-of-the-range iphone because he thought that when a girl says 'I like this and am saving up for it' that means 'Buy it for me now!' I wonder whether this inexperience is feeding the problems.

• But although I'm younger we have the same amount of experience and I wouldn't make the assumptions he has. The lines about Ns gravitating towards emotionally generous people shook me. I have always had problems (at school, work, etc.) with trusting people too readily and giving up too much of my time/love and getting hurt. It used to worry my DM so much she tried to talk to me about it when I was a child - my DSis still tells me not to be so trusting! OTOH he has said a couple of times that he finds it hard to understand why I am so affectionate towards him as he's not used to it, e.g. telling him randomly that I think he's lovely - he said that's too full on because he's used to being told how shit he is on a daily basis. Would a narcissist try to stop someone being emotionally generous? I did tone it down, as he requested.

• The big sticking point for me is his friendship group. They are from a mixture of backgrounds but, to a fault, generous, loving and excellent people. A mark of this is that last night his friend/our neighbour was my first choice to go to (but was out when I left) and when he saw she was in and I was out he assumed I'd gone there and that she would be taking 'my side' as it were. All his friends think he's amazing and they all do a lot for each other.

• Owing to family commitments we have spent several weeks at a time apart. When I return his friends (and him too, but they do it as well) tell me how much he missed me and how his face lights up every time they talk about me. They were actually teasing me about the latter, saying I've changed him for the better and he's much happier with me. These friends don't know anything about our relationship problems and had no axe to grind - it was in the middle of a girly afternoon. Can a true narcissist really have that kind of blatant emotional investment in someone?

He's gone for a run now and we're going to spend some time together at the cinema this evening. I'm in two minds whether I ask him if he's come to any conclusions or if I wait to see if he brings this morning's talk up again. Thanks if you've got this far - it's quite long!

Narcissism is meant to be a personality disorder , they are childish , devious and emotionally warped , i dont think he has this , but i thought the article relating to how people up the ante when you are upset might be usefull . As it says , a normal person with healthy respect for others would stop .

Re lying , he does lie though doesnt he . He claims not to understand your point of veiw / feelings , or why him shouting is a problem . He also claims to know what you are thinking , all these things are lies . Im confused about the freinds issue , ie , his freinds think hes amazing , yet youve also said that some of them have raised their eyebrows at things hes said to you .

Either way , it doesnt matter what his freinds think , theyre not in a relationship with him and you are . This sort of thing only occurs in intimate relationships , its not unusual for them to be shit to their partner , in private , but the pillar of the community to everyone else . Presumably he doesnt tell his freinds to be quiet or sneer at them when they are upset , because if he did they wouldnt be freinds with him . Theres a differance in how he treats his freinds and how he treats you . There shouldnt be .

You sound a little like me Op , i take everyone at face value , and i tend to assume everyone is like me . They are not , as ive learnt to great cost.

Lost, I think you may be right that he has been extremely damaged by his mother - thing is, knowing the whys behind his behaviour doesn't change it or make it ok. You need to take a big step back and he needs to fix himself - he's a very damaged person, who isn't in the place for a healthy relationship, because he doesn't know what one is.

Don't carry on as you were, hoping he'll have learnt from your mini-flight - all he's learnt from that is that a. you'll break first and get in touch, b. he just has to apologise and make promises and you come back. He should make good on his promises before you resume any sort of relationship.