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Original poster

Just a bit of advice really- what do you think about this situation?

11 replies

wineandharibo · 12/08/2011 16:03

I have a 3yo DS with someone I have known for 6 years. Over the years we have been seeing each other on and off (never a proper relationship though), sometimes speaking in between and sometimes not for a few months. When I was expecting DS, he insisted I should not go through with the pregnancy because he didn't want a teenager standing at his door one day, looking for his/her dad.
I refused and had DS, who is wonderful. Since then there have been a few occasions when he comes back into our life (after failed relationships/ flings) and wants us to be together. Each time I wanted to, but something held me back. We get on great, and would make really great friends, but I don't think he would ever make me feel secure in a relationship.
Two weeks ago, I told him that we should only ever be friends and how much better that would be for DS in terms of stability. This was a hard decision for me, because at the end of the day I do really care about him, probably enjoy the attention he gives me and I know that by saying there was no chance of a relationship I would risk losing him forever.
Since then all communication (usually daily) has ceased, except for one text where I hoped he was having a good week to which he replied straight away.

Today I got a text, which stated he was now seeing someone else and would prefer if we just sent each other occasional friendly texts from now on. In my opinion a completely pointless text, because its not like I have been bombarding him with endless texts, e-mails, phone calls etc declaring my undying love. To be honest, I would have preferred not to hear that he was seeing someone else so soon, although I was pretty certain that he would be (always like that). It did hurt when I read it, as I thought it would, but I feel strangely calm about it now so not as bad as I had feared.
It's just feels like its entire purpose was to hurt me, or am I reading too much into it? I just cannot see why someone would go out of their way, in the throws of a new exciting relationship and send a message to someone who said they would like to be just friends anyway? And no mention of DS!
What do you think? I just need some opinions!

OP posts:
TheRealTillyMinto · 12/08/2011 17:05

It sounds like you were really sensible in setting boundaries and telling him about them, now he feels the need to tell you how well he is coping (IMO shows that he is not as happy about it as he is making out & does not like the loss of control, you making the decisions).

I dont think you should give up on being friends - just be prepared for it to take him a long time to be able to accept that.

tallwivglasses · 12/08/2011 19:41

Hmm, he's a bit transparent isn't he.

Is he 12? (this is playground behaviour!)

Next time you have to contact him, say you'd prefer texts to be about dc news/arrangements only.

Keep ahold of that 'strangely calm' feeling and build on it. Nurture it. That text was designed to knock your confidence.

anothermum92 · 12/08/2011 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AgainWhen · 12/08/2011 20:07

You're overanalysing it.

everlastinggreen · 13/08/2011 07:54

well what do expect is my first thought, you said you dont want to be with him. yes, it is a childish sending you a text but that may just be how he thinks he should handle it.

this line you wrote : but I don't think he would ever make me feel secure in a relationship ?

as we get older we realise that it isnt the duty of our partner to make us feel secure we do that ourselves. unless there is something inherent within him, flighty, unreliable etc.

my initial thought was that you should have give it go for the sake of your son, the guy may mature with time who knows. whatever happens he will be around for the duration

Anniegetyourgun · 13/08/2011 08:15

Face saving I think. We all know people. I'm sure, who won't go along with something unless they believe it was their idea. You say let's cool it, friends only basis, he goes into a bit of a huff. Following time out to bury the memory of your text he says let's cool it, friends only basis, so now it's ok because he decreed it.

You did know what he was like, so although of course it's going to hurt (perhaps the official loss of the lovely fantasy where he comes to his senses and settles down with you at last, white horse and red roses optional) it does go to prove that you did the right thing, if it's much of a consolation. I'm sure he does care about you, but there's a vast distance to travel between caring about someone and committing to them for the rest of your life.

My guess is this shiny new relationship is not going to last long, as it started in the spirit of "I'll show her", but the one after it or the one after that might turn out to be The One. Or maybe he never will settle for just one.

MigratingCoconuts · 13/08/2011 08:53

I think you have done the right thing as your gut has always told you this isn't the right relationship for you.

I know it must hurt and that he could be doing this to try and get back at you but I would just embrace the chance to deal with him on a more stable, distance level and move on.

sounds more healthy all round tbh

springydaffs · 13/08/2011 08:54

I agree with the majority of the responses on your thread OP (you've had some weird ones, I must say!): that he didn't like you taking the lead and quickly moved to ascert his superiority re he's in charge thank you very much, not you. Or he likes to think he is

Well done for setting this difficult boundary - you have done the right thing by a mile. Well done. I hope that's the end of the nastiness - I wouldn't initiate any nastiness though (not that I'm saying you have - the opposite, actually) because I think he could be quite nasty and petty if you pushed him. Does he pay for ds btw?

joblot · 13/08/2011 08:58

He sounds like an insecure user. Best rid of him, he clearly has ego problems.

babyhammock · 13/08/2011 08:59

Seems that he flits in and out of yours and DS's life as he sees fit. No wonder you don't feel very secure about him. What about regular contact with DS, he doesn't sound bothered about that either.

He seems very immature and that latest text confirms that.

In the last 3 years has there been anyone else for you? If not then maybe its time you moved on and are not there when he wants a lovely cosy haven to run back to when current bit of fluff hasn't worked out.

More than likely, if you did do that, he could well realise what he's lost and come charging back to make some proper comitment to you.... you on the other hand will possibly realise that you deserve so much more x

babyhammock · 13/08/2011 09:03

forget possibly realise..... = hopefully realise!!!

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