What does dd need to hear us say to these unpleasant comments? WWYD?

[Unrulysun]

I've posted this in Parenting as well but I though you emotionally literate lot might have some ideas?

My MIL is quite an odd and evil person. She sometimes says things to our dd which are designed to be divisive eg 'Your mummy's wicked isn't she?', 'Your daddy was so rough with you then, granny would be rough with you' (we are neither rough nor wicked btw :) )

She also sometimes says things which are just plain old evil: 'We'll all hate you when you're 15' and her classic 'When mummy has a new baby she'll forget all about you'.

DD is 15 mo so we've mostly been ignoring on the basis that it's really not good for dd to hear a great big huge row which is what happens when MIL feels threatened (and on the basis that actually the comments are directed at us and fundamentally we don't give a shit) but obviously she'll start to fully understand soon. So the question is what does dd need to hear us respond with? Is it enough to say 'I'm not wicked MIL'? Or 'We'll never hate you darling'? or does she need to hear us be firm about not saying things like that?

If dh or I confront MIL directly it will lead to 'Well we don't want to see you then'. And then the question is whether a relationship with your granny who can sometimes say things which are really nasty is better than none at all...

'saggy granny arse' makes you as bad as her.

The title would annoy me. Why not toxic parents?

I was quoting someone elses post

I'm inclined to agree with vastly reduced, limited contact until she is old enough to get what is going on.

I would also consider you both confronting MIL as a united pair in saying that she needs to quit the jibes or contact ends. Call her on it and follow through if she carries on.

"I really don't see why people always have to be so confrontational when you can sideline her completely by failing to get it and have fun staying one step ahead!"

I can see why this has been suggested.

That approach would work with normally functioning families but this MIL of OPs is not playing by that particular rulebook and likely never has.

Such usual approaches as the one that has been cited would not work here unfortunately and is often cited by those who have never been fortunately on the receiving end of toxic familial relations. It is not a criticism and in other circs this would be of merit.

I know you were -usual suspect-I read it earlier and was assuming that you didn't like it either (maybe wrongly)

Probably I am the wrong person to comment- having a perfectly nice family-I was however assuming that OP wants to keep the contact or she would have confronted and accepted the consequence.

It would be a big mistake to leave DD alone with her.

I'm just suggesting it as an option exotic, sorry if it seems obvious.

You were not wrong ,exoticfruits

I expect that (luckily) I don't know how dreadful some families are. I think that I am just coming from the other side where I know people who are heartbroken because the DIL has just cut contact. I think that it should be a last resort when all else has failed.
Remarks like 'saggy granny arse' makes you wonder how hard the DIL tried and how open to reconciliation they would be if MIL offered the olive branch-my guess is not at all. Which is sad.

I agree with Atilla - people like that are not normal, and don't play by normal rules. After all, what kind of normal, nice, person would say those kind of things?

My MIL is a nightmare too, she was extremely abusive (emotionally and physically) to DH growing up, and I do not like her around DD at all. It's not about the fact that DD is my possession - she's not - it's about protecting her from people that should know better. Children can't protect themselves from people like this, and it's hard to emphasise how damaging some actions/comments in childhood can be.

Unruly's MIL hasn't really behaved in a fashion where she deserves any sympathy. I mean would any of you really say things like that to your young granddaughter without expecting some kind of repercussions?

She doesn't seem to be offering any olive branch, in fact she seems to be blackmailing them by saying she will cut contact if they pull her up on her remarks/behaviour.

Why do some of you think that this woman will be of any benefit to Unruly's DD just because she is related? . Unruly I expect some of DH's sadness derives from the fact that the whole situation with his GPs was never really explained to him or brushed under the carpet (or the explanation was inadequate which is possibly worse).

Also I don't think that this is necessarily Unruly's responsibility to reconcile and be the diplomat. She is not related to her MIL, her husband is. He should be the one sorting out the situation and supporting Unruly (and more importantly his daughter).

exotic Unruly hasn't referred to her MIL as a "saggy granny arse" so how can you derive whether she would be open to reconcilliation from that?

HandDivided...your post makes a whole lot of sense to me!

No contact whatsoever until granny sorts herself out and then only supervised.

I wasn't talking about OP-she obviously doesn't want to lose contact or she wouldn't have asked advice. . I was talking about those who would just suggest cutting her off as if it is an easy thing to do.

Hmmmm. Lots here. Dh will stick up for his family (me included :) ) to the ends of the earth. I am inclined to try to sort it out though because she wants a rise out of him and she gets very hyper around him. I think an undiagnosed personality disorder is almost certain. :(

I do want to try with her because I don't want to be a 'we don't speak to them' family. I do feel, having read these posts though that perhaps we send the message that she can bully us because we don't react. In reality it's water off a duck's back to me. I worked with difficult people and I just pretend she's one of those and act professionally I guess. And she deliberately winds dh up and talks down to him ('are you wearing odd shoes?' 'No mother, I'm in my thirties and have a professional career, I can dress myself.') so he's working on rising above. But does that say the right thing to dd?

DD is a bit young at the moment-I'm sure she will work it out for herself later. I never liked conflict as a DC so I think that I would rather my parents laughed things off than had arguments and ill feelings. I would continue to laugh it off. I would stick with bright and breezy and play her at her own game. e.g. -the odd shoes-say' yes, I like odd shoes'. What can she say to that? She can hardly come out and say they are not odd!