My devastating affairs

[howdoilive]

Im not even sure where to begin but I am feeling so desperate and realise I need advice. I have been married for 16 years and with my DH for 17 years.

About 11 years ago (I was 28) I had two affairs within about 6 months (people from work). Why? I just dont know. I could say I was flattered by the attention or my DH this or that but honestly they would all be excuses. No we were not happily married (we had a very rough start) but that is not a good enough reason to excuse what I did.

One night (11 years ago) DH and I were chatting and I blurted out about the one affair (the one that was happening at that moment). All hell broke loose but we both decided to let it go and work on it. Obviously DH had a couple of months of screaming, shouting and being really angry (rightfully). I gave up work almost immediately to be a SAHM, had another baby a year later and am still at home.

The world scares the daylights out of me and I only ever leave the house when DH is with me. I never go out (not even to the shops) and have become a complete recluse. I avoid people and just concentrate on my immediate family.

In around March the 1st guy I had an affair with (the one I didnt tell dh about) opened a facebook profile and contacted me. It was just a "how are you doing" thing and so, so stupidly, I responded. After a couple of "hows business, etc" mails - I got a mail from his wife saying that she knew he had contacted me again and took off (rightfully). I then told DH about it all and he was obviously angry I hadnt told him about it at the time.

It was so long ago that I really dont know what to say other than I am so sorry. My life is so withdrawn and different now to what I was then that it honestly feels like someones elses story when I look back to that period in my life. Anyway, DH and I are ok really but here is the problem. I am not ok at all. I feel like I cannot live with myself. The shame, the guilt the absolute disgust at my promiscuity - I just dont know how to live with myself. I literally feel like I have a heavy load sitting on my back, I am having palpatations, I feel sick at what I did. I feel like I cant function in the world so just keep to myself.

I dont know why I did it in the first place and am terrified that it will happen again (It wont but the fear is there). When I was younger I thrived on attention and know that somewhere in me, that must still be there.

I dont know how to describe the impact that it has had on me and the hopelessness I am feeling. How do I move forward with the guilt and shame? I fear constantly that people are going to find out, someone will know someone, who will know. I feel less that everyone else and not worthy. Its become a living nightmare that I dont know how to get out of.

OP yes, your last post here is very worrying.

it sounds to be blunt as if you are suffering emotional abuse from your husband. Not only are you beating yourself up, but he is verbally beating you too.

If you look at the website for Women's Aid you will see that domestic violence includes someone who is verbally agressive, monitors your phone, does not allow you freedom, and other things like this.

You really, really do need professional help.

Relate does phone counselling and email counselling, so you could try that if you are afraid of going out.

If you have children, how do you manage? Who takes them to nursery or school? Do you never even go out to do the shopping?

What is now unclear is whether you are being imprisoned because your DH does not trust you, or you have simply lost your confidence.

You really have got to talk to someone in reallife to get this in perspective.

I live in a small village and TBH affairs are rife- they probably are all over it's just that gossip travels here fast! Lots of people know other people's business and do you know what? No one cares. They are too busy with their own families.

This may sound unkind- not meant to be- but who you are, your past, and your affiairs are not of the slighest interest to other people!

Or, if they are, it would only be for 30 seconds!

You have what seems to be a combination of an exaggerated sense of your own importance, which is making you a recluse due tot he guilt you are carrying.

I don't want that to sound unkind- i am trying to describe it in clinical terms.

Please make contact with some professionals and maybe your DH should too- he appears to be the cause of a lot of your troubles.

I think the term is 'grandiose', Amelia, isn't it?

In the psychological sense, that is.

Please, please, please, print out this thread and take it with you to your GP if you think it would be too difficult to get the words out. Ask him or her to read it.

I agree 100% with Ameliagrey .

It might be grandiose!

It's the same thing as people who have social phobias-it used to be, or wrongly assumed, they had "inferiority complexes" but in fact they are superiority complexes, as they assume they are more important to others than they are.

Sorry OP talking as if you aren't in the same room- but you get the drift.

Sorry that was my fault.

Apologies, OP.

I absolutely understand what you saying :)

OP- if you cannot manage face to face counselling yet, do it by email- costs around £27 for one email and reply through Relate- you will need your own credit/debit card to pay though.

springboks should post on this topic more often

what she said

OP, if you have ever read my posts you will know I fervently oppose cheating on others

^ I only say that first to illustrate that I absolutely do not agree that you deserve the way your husband is treating you

he is in the wrong here, he is a vile bully and a psychological torturer

no wonder you are not functioning in any useful way

he will kill you I fear, as your self esteem gets ground further down and clinical depression makes you harm yourself out of some misguided sense of self-punishment

you have paid for your (human) mistakes a gazillion times over

time to open your eyes to your husband...he is killing you, slowly but surely

please, please approach your GP and ask for an assessment by the mental health team...you are suffering from crippling anxiety and depression

the most obvious way to cure that would be to get the fuck away from your H, but you lack the strength yet

with counselling, and possibly medication, you can find yourself again...I promise you

and what you will find is an ordinary woman, not a "slag", not someone deserving of lifelong self-flagellation and most definitely not someone who deserves to be abused in this way

I cannot thank you all enough for the support today. I feel like you have literally brought me back from the brink (I know how silly that must sound) but I have felt so alone and so wrong and so bad for what feels like forever.

I woke up this morning with a sick feeling in my stomach with my heart pounding again and realised that I dont want to live like this anymore. I feel like I have been existing but not living at all.

Your support has meant the world to me and I finally feel ready to seek some help, that I am not a writeoff just yet.

You are not a write off

Seek help, please

Take things slowly and surely. You are not a bad person.

I totally agree with everything everyone else has said.

You made a mistake, you confessed, you and your husband have continued to torture you ever since.

He is emotionally abusing you by holding it over you.

Please do seek help - I believe the NHS does telephone counselling but you may need to speak to your GP for a referral.

Keep posting and stay strong.

Brave girl.

Don't live like this any more. You have lovely kids and a life. Start living it.

I'm glad you posted here today. Look on it as the first step in your recovery. You can now take steps to reclaim yourself and your life and stop the downward spiral. Good luck.

As someone whose H had an affair that we are now trying to move on from, I can say that your husband's behaviour sounds appalling. We're only a few months on and because I want our relationship to mend I am already making a conscious decision and effort (not always successful) not to throw H's actions back in his face (when it's not directly relevant, we have to talk about it of course). The fact that this is happening to you 10 years on says that something is seriously wrong. You hurt your husband, but he has used that for a decade to manipulate and abuse you and that is not on (to put it mildly).

Please be brave and seek help. Sounds like you both need it :(

oh my goodness OP, something is really wrong here. you are being severely abused by your husband by the sound of it

As others are saying, please get some help. To unravel what your husband has done to you for a start. I have a friend whose husband held over her for years that she had slept with a series of boys when she was at school. She had the same appalling shame about it as you do about your affairs - your husband has used your affairs to control you and convince you you are dirt. I do wonder if you struck out at the beginning of your relationship because you 'knew' something was wrong with it. Just a thought...

I'm sorry people have felt fit to diagnose you in, imo, very unhelpful terms on your thread, and to discuss you as a 'case' as though you aren't here and aren't suffering appallingly. Please don't listen, you have enough to deal with the crushing burden of shame on your back - largely put there by your husband from what you have said.

Try Womens Aid at your earliest convenience - look at their website and, if you can face it, give them a call 0808 2000 247. They won't ask your surname and are very supportive and helpful: they are the experts in situations like yours and have heard stories like yours over and over: they won't be shocked but will be concerned to help you. You don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse - psychologial and emotional abuse is just as (if not more) deadly.

I'm just so glad you have posted and hope this is the start of you getting your life back. You deserve to live sweetheart, to have a fulfilling and full life. Your kids deserve a functioning mummy too xx

Do also look out for the Freedom Programme - one near you. If you can't face going to the meetings (very supportive, full of women in similar positions to yours, very well facilitated) you could order the reading material. Is your husband out at work during the day? You may need to hide/disguise the material if you get it sent to your house. I would also suggest you delete your internet history so your husband doesn't know what sites you have been visiting. xx

OP, you can stop punishing yourself now. I am sure it was very hard to write your post, well done. It's ok, really it is. It was ten years ago. Your husband is still punishing you. That's not normal. That's not right. That is abuse.

Keep posting, and seek RL help, your GP, women's aid, psychologists will all be way less shocked than we are, and check it out! No-one is shocked at all.

Good people make mistakes: the affairs were a misjudgement but really and truly not the end of the world. What your husband is doing to you, this torture, it's far worse.

Also, my favourite ever quotation, from Eleanor Roosevelt: "No-one makes you feel inferior without your consent". Think about it. It is not appropriate for you to feel inferior anymore, stop consenting.

How are you doing today OP?

glad to read of the advice you are getting on here OP, your story has made tears roll down my face as I read (i'm not usually so emotional!!) as it precisely echoes what happened in my parent's marriage. they finally divorced when I was 17, thank god, and 17 years later, while still acrimonious towards each other - my father will never accept he was the one in the wrong - they are both leading much happier lives, although it took a long time for my mother to heal.

i truly hope that you get the help you need to get through this, you sound like a very lovely and trusting person. you're going to have to reach into yourself, and reach out to others - and then you'll get your life back.

so you made a mistake, twice. SO WHAT?
Please stop beating ourself up. It's not a big deal