No friends.

[Chrismurfgirl]

I thought about changing my name but I have quite a specific situation anyway so whats the point.

I am really really shy with new people and its so embarrasing, I went to DPs Christmas thingy last night and practically burst into tears before we went in. I hung around behind him all night, I could feel how boring I was. He would introduce me and I would smile and then people would turn their backs and walk away.

I am 21 and I feel like I should be having an exciting life and I don't. I barely go out in the evenings because I have nobody to go out with. I am friends with two of his housemates, my housemate (who goes home every weekend) and I sit with some people in uni. I like the people I sit with in uni a lot but they are clearly not interested in seeing me outside that context.

I think I am a nice person, I am friendly etc and it hurts so much that people clearly just do not find me interesting or want to be my friend. I do make an effort but I am normally ignored. Its always been like this so I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does.

As somebody who has found it difficult to make friends in the past I would say that most people are insecure about their ability to make friends. I know it's cliched but most people like to talk about themselves so ask people about themselves and listen. Also why not invite one of the uni people for a coffee or suggest that ypu all go out for a coffee. Then it should be less intense. It is easy for me to say I know but keep trying.

You sound like a lovely perso. Good luck

That's a lovely person!

I do ask people out for drinks etc but am usually cancelled on last minute, almost sure its not me I am unlucky but has knocked my confidence.

CSG - just wrote a long reply to this and then accidentally deleted it (new computer ). Anyway, I wanted to say that I found the early days at Uni very hard due to lack of social skills and shyness. I met people by getting involved in activities and societies - are there any that appeal to you at your college? Or sports? If you have an interest in common with people, it's much easier to strike up a conversation and get to know them. Also, things like that often have a built-in social calendar which you can go to. HOpefully, if you meet people though uni then you won;t feel so reliant on your dp. I do feel for you as I know what it's like to feel alone when others appear to be terribly together and confident (they probably are not though - remember that!). You sound lovely and I'm sure keeping going with the effort will pay off for you.

Thanks Wilbur.

Its actually my second degree at uni which I think is part of the issue. None of it is new so I am not quite as excited about going to the union etc but all of my friends from my first degree have now left the area. Went to the union with a friend and we both felt very old and out of place. I sound like a right granny don't i!

Only 21 and doing your 2nd degree? Congratulations! What's your subject btw?

Is there not a specialist group for your area of study? I know a friend of mine really liked meeting up with more 'mature' students in her subject. It started as a discussion/mentoring type thing and ended up being a social events club. Pubs, meals out, visiting places relevant to their area of study.

Prob not much help but just a thought

I graduated in July (English) and started this one in September (Nursing) so thats why I am so young, no break!

I enjoy the course and my housemate does it as well which is nice, we are all taught together which is quite overwelhming (150 of us in each lecture!)

Are there not other more mature students on your course? I'm also a mature student. I am at a new-ish Uni with few social groups myself (Caerleon, heard of it? No thought not ). I'm at that age where few of my fellow students are the same, I think in your thirties most people are desperately scraping together for a house, whilst in mycase I can't work as my son has SN, so I'd never afford a house with DH anyway, so I might as well plan for the future IYSWIM. Anyway I've had to make a few sacrifices to make friends, but have ended up with a good mate twenty years my senior that I have a surprising amount in common with! I'd like to go to the Uni Bar with the youngsters once in a while I guess, but it's hard as I can't really take my drink (!!) and I can't go home wrecked either with the kids. I occasionally go for a coke it's not the same though.

Cast your net further: you'd be surprised who you'll meet and be friends with. Last year at college my BF was a gay male aged 21, this year it is an older woman- both are very dear to me.
And never feel too old (especially at 21!), I just died my hair bright (I mean BRIGHT) red on the spur of the moment, all the kids said they haven't got the guts to do that.

I went back to uni when I was 23 and it was strange being around all these 18 yos getting excited about things that weren't quite as novel to me. You just have to accept that they are 18 and it's all different to them! As others have said, ask people questions about themselves, get involved in a society, and invite people out. OK, sometimes people do drop out, but persist and you'll get there!

PS even the people who appear confident probably have moments of self-doubt - some people learn to cover up shyness by appearing outgoing. You won't be the only one. Honest.

PPS I still find Mother and Toddler groups a minefield and I'm in my 30s...

I've just realised I remember your name from a recent thread. You lost a friend quite suddenly?

Could your bereavement be affecting you more than you realise?

I have just finished a degree and I'm.... yikes... 34! most of the other students on my course probably thought of me as some sort of novelty - as in 'God, do people live that old?!'. I did go to the pub with everyone a few times and it was great, made me feel young, and eventually I think I ended up making a few good friends. 21 is not old! Some of the 20-year-olds on my course were wiser and smarter than me, I think. Give people a chance and approach them, you might find a lot more in common with them than you think from the outset. Good luck with your course!

Mercy I know that has affected me.

I do speak to people btw and am not a social recluse but just struggeling to make the jump from aquantaintances to friends. I find it hard to ask if I can go to the pub with people because I don't want to impose even though I know i am not!

Anyway shouldn't whinge I am having a coffee with a MNer tomorrow

I went back to Uni for the third time a couple of years ago (I'm 35 so believe me if there's a student granny here, it must be me! )

I found it difficult to make friends this last time because I could not relate much with the rest of the students, not because I'm older but because my interests have changed and I'm no longer thrilled about booze or handsome males (well, I am, but at my age I have started to wonder what's the fuzz about ).

I thought that it was me who couldn't make friends but talking to other students in the "appropiate" age bracket I realised they felt as lonely as I felt, they were having the same difficulties as me so... it may or may not be you, but believe me, somebody will apreciate being invited some time.

There is a book that I think could help, it iscalled "Dare to conect" you can get it from Amazon.

Chandra that is definately a factor, I have a lovely boy that I am buying a house with, loads of the girls are single and on the pull. I know some of the people I sit with think I am loopy because sometimes I genuinely do want a night in with him

I had a great uni experience first time lots of clubbing etc but now I think I want the mix which is difficult to find. We are on Christmas hols now so when I come back I will make a big effort. On placement with a girl who lives near me so maybe that will help?

Chrismurfgirl - if you are meeting with an MNer you should not be whingeing!! You obviously have more confidence than me - and I'm twice your age !

Funny thing is that I am ok at talking to people, I am a student nurse and I am very comfortable talking to people on placement etc. I have met this mner before and she is v.nice.

I do get on well with people older than me, have worked in lots of mixed age environments.

I feel like I am doing ok (apart from appaling shyness in new situations) in my communication skills etc but then obviously am not as am aparently friendless...

The big thing to remember is that people are NOT rejecting you. Nobody is deliberating doing anything or thinking bad things about you. People live in their own bubbles and they just do NOT sit around planning to snub or hurt others. It doesn't happen. They aren't deliberately ignoring you because they have judged you. They are just wrapped up in their own stuff. Being shy is OK. Being boring is fine! (honest) What people like is people who are interested in them, so forget about yourself. Just think about others. If you appear to think they are fascinating, ask them questions about themselves and look interested in the answers, you are doing perfectly!
Assuming that people are deliberately shunning you is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Forget it!
Ah, you are so, so, so young. Shyness is normal when you are young. When you are middleaged and clapped out then it won't bother you anything like as much, I promise! (I am 42 and honestly, it gets better and better). What would you like to happen for you socially? What do you think would make you happy?

Also, you are at a different place emotionally to a lot of 21 year olds, aren't you? Are there any specific people you really feel a bond with?

I do know this! Believe it or not I pep talk my housemate all the time. I do open my mouth to ask but i get all shy. It took me 2 weeks to pluck up the courage to ask the people I sit with if I could sit with them I will make an effort after Christmas. How would you try and make friends in a room full of people with existng friendship groups? Serious question!

Honestly all I want is a drink in the pub/union once or twice a week, maybe the odd cinema trip. I have one friend that I do that with sometimes, but its usually with boyfriends. Me and my best friend used to do lunch sometimes but she has moved away now, maybe someone to do that with would be nice.

I am close to my housemate who I met on the course, Claire's death has made us very very close and she is a fab support person. I am also close to my boyfriends housemate who did the same course first time round as me and we talk a lot.

I've often felt this way too, it is easy to believe people find you boring and very hard to make friends when it's an issue in your life. I have struggled meeting like-minded people all my life, since school anyway. I am a photographer and find using my camera is the only way I can feel comfortable in social situations.
There's lots of us out there, Chrismurfgirl, you are not alone! I am less stressed out by lonliness the older I have got but would still love company and a good friend.