A log for my survival and ultimate recovery.

[thisishowifeel]

I first posted on here in 2008 as "Saddest" as I was distressed by the lack of sex life and general sense of invisiblity.

I went on to post about the things that happened with my family, drug aand alcohol abuse, gaslighting and scapegoating of me. I discovered all about personality disorders, something I was accused of having by my husband, mother and sisters.

I went to the doctors and saw the nurse practitioner, who told me that I was being abused. She put me in touch with women's aid.

Eventually, I got my h to leave and cut all contact with my family, got counselling, did the Freedom Programme and got Inner Child therapy.

My husband wanted a reconcilliation, I said that in order for that to even be on the cards he must embark on long term therapy and fully accept that his behaviour was abusive. Which he did.

He moved back in in September last year, and up until the end of May things were fine, in fact I had the best christmas of my life.

Then in May, he stated to slip back, rapidly, playing the children against one another, goldenchilding dd and scapegoating ds. Telling me utter nonsense, for example, that his therapist had told him that the Freedom Programme was extreme feminist nonsense....even though she herself ran one. That the therapist had said that I was the abuser, that I was a liar and a bully. I stood their and said quite calmly, "no she didn't, and we both know that you are lying". His behaviour deteriorated to the point where I asked him to leave the house again, once again, I said that he must see the GP and get a referral to MHS. I did this because of an email he had sent to me last year, which I showed my CBT counsellor.

The email outlined his childhood. A chaotic picture of drug addiction (Heroin) which killed his brother, alcoholis, incest and other abuse. His mother was extremely unstable and went missing regullarly. The counsellor asked if he had ever seen a psychiatrist, he hasn't.

He went for a MH assessment and is waiting for a referral.

But it's too late.

We had a trip to Spain booked, and we went. For the most part it was ok, with flashes of his abusive behaviour, which I handled calmly. But on the evening before we came home, he attacked my physically. He punched and kicked, gouged pieces out of my arm and even bit me. This was caused because I wanted to go for a "timeout" as the atmosphere was getting tense, and it was a tactic that had worked before.

He had my phone and refused to give it back, saying that he was going to call the police to come and "arrest me because I am mad". The children saw and heard everything. DD has reminded me of things too, he pushed me, called me an "evil fucking bitch". And then in the middle of it all, he hurled himself to the ground and made out that I was attcking him! I simply left, without my phone.

I went to the hotel reception to ask for a taxi, but didn't realise I was bleeding, and the hotel manager called the police and ambulance.

The police got my phone, passports and tickets and me and the dc's were taken to another hotel for the night.

When we got home, I went straight to the sugery, where the NP arranged for the police to come, as well as taking note of all my injuries. We have been referred to social services. Whilst I was at the surgery, he had unpacked and was behaving as though nothing had happened. He was shocked that I asked him to leave, and very angry. I stood firm and said that it was not safe for him to be near me.

That was a week ago today.

I have seen the social worker, had the fire people out and the safety people are coming today.

I want to log this here, as everything else is here, from the beginning.

Please hold my hand.

thisis I have read some of your posts on Stately Homes and always admired your strength.

I don't have any advice but just wanted to wish you well.

One glass hour at a time, when it's hard. You know what it takes :)

It's the rollercoaster, isn't it? Endorphins from the nice phase, adrenalin from the anger, the sobbing, the talks, the calm ... the endorphins, the adrenalin, the anger, the sobbing ...

Honey, your life will be so much more complete after you finally kick the habit. All that energy, all that emotion, all that thought, released for you to spend them on your life, creativity, and development. And on your kids. It's worth it.

Btw - if you're drinking, take the battery out of your phone!

You can do it, you've come too far to throw it away. xxxxx

He moved into a place someone he knows is planning on renting out. It's about an hour an a half away. He didn't need all the money checks and stuff, but knowing this guy, there will be some kind of price to pay.

He has an estate agency, I got about six calls one day last week, bugging me to get it on the market, and that they had viewers. I told H how distressing it was to have people peering in thrugh the windows, and to tell these people in no uncertain terms to leave me the fuck alone.

I am making no decisions about anything. Ds starts year 11 in Sept. I'm going nowhere for 12 months. End of. Full fucking stop.

He just came to take DD out and both dc's were buzzing like bees around a honey pot. But this week, I am the one who has had to calm the anger and the grief, deal with the resentmet they have for each other after being played against each other, or, together, against me. It was the together against me that was a trigger for the attack.

They blame me.

It's so horrid. It's so unfair. I didn't cause this! But I have dark moments where I still wonder if it's me. :( :( :(

He says he will do a perpetrator programme. I hope he does, so he gets some insight into what he has done to me, my life and my sense of self. And what he has udoubtedly done to the children.

It's odd that his mother and brother used to use the same language when "ganging up" against his dad, according to THE email. I haven't pointed that out to him, but I noticed it.

thisishow... can I ask you something, have you actutally met his family at all? Any of them?

I am asking because my exH was abusive and so it turns out a terrible liar. He lied about absolutely everything, not just altering the truth, but total fabrications.

I'm just wondering if some of this stuff about his family and terrible childhood is actually bull shit which he has fed to you to make you feel sorry for him?

This is a very common tactic of an abuser, think about "the liar" and "the headworker" from the freedom programme.

Sweetheart, I really feel for you. I am 8 months downn the line after leaving him and starting a whole new life for me and my kids. You will do it, you will support your kids and move on without him.

Yes I have met his dad, but only here, he comes at christmas for a ham sandwich, and leaves again immediately afterwards. His brother came here once as well. He's horrible. He's arrogant and aggressive. His wife, I have met at a festival in Liverpool. She is meek and silent. Poorly dressed and made up in a most peculiar way, not that that in itself is important, it's just that they are all weird. They have two girls who I have met, who are very odd.

I never met the other brother, but have the death certificate, ditto his mother. I have a friend who is heavily into genealogy, and it all matches up.

I also have third party confirmation of a lot of the stuff..such as his brother's heroin addiction etc. A lot of his brother's "activities" ended up in the local paper too

And of course, the kids have been there....it's only me that's not allowed. Before we were a couple, I know the stuff he said about getting away from them early on christmas day was completely true, as I thought it rather odd then. He preferred to spend Christmas day alone in his house, usually working.

Cooking Sunday dinner, something I've no been able to do for ages, cos he always did it, and it would always include some kind of martydom.

Anyway, I just wanted to say, that he never had ground pepper, because

wait for it......

It was too middle class!

Even managed to turn pepper into a conflict, us and them issue!!!!!

For fuck's sake

I find pepper enhances flavours more effectively than martyrdom.

Garlic....indeed it does!

Although when he went bendy at the end of May, Sunday dinner co -incided with DD having yet another, and very bad attack of cystitis, she was so disressed that I decided to nip her up to A&E to get her checked and get some Anti b's.

His response was truly bizarre....I still can't get what happened. He was REALLY angry about it....he'd been drinking all the the time he was cooking...(a reason to cook maybe ?) He asked me what I wanted him to do...I replied that I didn't WANT him to DO anything....but if he was normal, he would come to A&E with us, and maybe even drive....obviously he declined to drive.

The recurrent cystitis and his background, well OUR backgrounds, and that behaviour all add up to a pretty frightening conclusion, but it's such a massive, massive assumption..... I've never voiced it before. She has seen a urologist, and is going for a scan at the end of the month.

Oh god, Thisis, I hope that assumption turns out to be untrue, you and your poor children have enough to deal with at the moment without anything else.

I think you're doing so well btw, best wishes to you.

Worry when you get more medical info. I would ask, though - have you mentioned your cause for concern to the urology people? I'm assuming you can't feel completely sure DD would tell you, or you'd have said.

Look, it's probably just an infectious vulnerability. But even if there's been interference, she can recover as long as she's supported to understand that it's wrong, it's assault and it couldn't have been her fault. If you need to, I know you will do that - with professional support, if necessary.

But you probably won't need to! X could have been angry because the fuss wasn't about him, it interrupted his Sunday dinner fantasy, it was a 'women's thing' and he knew he wasn't safe to drive.

Have walked in your shoes. Just to say:

You are not responsible for him and you cant make him better. It is not your job.

Could you try to step out of his life entirely other than necessary interactions regarding the children? You do sound like you are still very emotionally involved in him and in particular in his sad family life. Again, thats not your responsibility, you cant change it. Until you separate your life from his, you cant start to move on in a more healthy way.

Once you can do that, the freedom you feel will be incredible.

I know follyfoot.

I think that I have come further than it may appear. It is imprtant for me to write all this stuff down, the weird stuff, the litle stuff. Because as a whole, he is (and his family are) utterly dysfunctional and freaky. He put on a fine act, but the truth will out.

So I know who he wants to be, but he won't ever be it because, like I did last year, you have at some point to look at it all (family, childhood, ishoos, whatever) squarely in the face and start poking around at it, in a "Stately home" fashion. Then, again, as I have done, put it away and file it under "Past".

It takes something extraordinary to shake off family, and define yourself as your own individual person, and I have done that. That is what has precipitated the violent end of my marriage. I simply refused to believe the persona anymore, I could see straight through it and it's dead important for me to now, poke at that tumour of lies and projections....kind of like an autopsy....sorry that's a bit grim.

I need to do that because it's extracting ME from the mess. The way I did with my "mother" and sisters. I need to collect those bits of me that belong to me.....not him.

Yes he's been my world for ten years, before that we were great mates and work colleagues. Its going to take more han a week or two. It will take as long as it takes, and no shortcuts.....'cos they dont work.

Before we went to Spain, we went to a funeral. That was a thing in itself, as I'm not normally welcome to accompany him. Anyway, at the reception afterwards we were talking to a "friend" of his. When I say friend, in all the ten years or so I've been with h, this chap has never been here, I never met him and H as far as I am aware, never met up woith him. Half a dozen phone calls over the years, that kind of friend.

This chap runs an estate agency, and we were talking about wanting to move. BUT NOT UNTIL DS FINISHES SCHOOL. He starts year 11 in Sept.

Now to you normal people here, that is a very simple piece of information to digest. He said he'd send someone round and measure up and photograph the place and when we were ready over the next few months, to say when and they'd market it. Which seemed fair enough.

BUT they put it on the market while we were on holiday!!!!! Now I am plagued with people peering through the windows and over half a dozen calls on one day from this agency to set viewing appointments! I am livid! How utterly insensitive!

I have explained the situation, and that circumstances are very different now, and that I am in no state emotionally to cope with this, but to no avail.

I sent h a VERY terse email yesterday, after trying to keep communications to a minimum, saying that the house was NOT for for sale, and to tell his "mate" to back off.

I even thought that I would tell the social worker, because as I said in the email, it's like me and the kids are being bullied out of our home.

Anyway, given that these people can't understand when women speak, maybe they'll understand h. and leave me alone.

How confident are you that H will put your case correctly?

Might I suggest that you make a sign to put outside your place: "This house is NOT for sale"? I imagine that will piss the agents off sufficiently.

I received a text this morning telling me that after an hour long conversation with Respect, (an abusers helpline/charity) that they felt that he was not right for him.

He is either in the most extraordinary denial, or is a complete and utter pathological liar of mammoth proportions! Two weeks later and the marks on my arm are still very sore. I think there will be permanent "holes" there. :(

It's scary just how insane some people are! And I am still made to question myself, and want to ring Respect and ask them WTF! BUT I know that it is him. There probably was no call. A bit like his counsellor saying that I was a liar and a bully, or his assertion that the police were going to prosecute me for wasting police time. My god.....I have a child with this loony!

Sorry....that Respect was not right for him. Maybe, actually after reading that back, they think he's too insane!

Yeah, that was my first thought. Mind you, the other lies make this look likely to be made up as well. He is a loony. Hold that thought, just as it is, and keep stepping towards the sane side of the mirror :) xx

Give respect a ring yourself. I was told all sorts of rubbish by ex re availability of courses, but when I spoke to them they were really helpful about advice and said they'd heard every excuse under the sun. One reason he may not be suitable is if he is complete denial ... they have got to get there under their own steam otherwise they will spend the whole time resisting or worse drop out. Would be useful to speak to them yourself

Thank you Garlic and notsorted. Yes he is in complete denial.

He has told me that my mother has contacted him. When will this nightmare end.

They're bound to get in touch, aren't they? You've opened the asylum door and are walking out ... they don't want to come with you, they're desperate to keep you back in there, with them where they can control you.

I know it's not as easy as literally closing a door but you can just leave 'em in there, plotting. How much does it matter that they're talking about you?

You need to let go of something you still care about but is bad for you, sweetheart ... :)

I know Garlic.

I see posts on here about kitchens and baby names and the like and it all seems overwhelmingly unfair that I was born into this insane family which made me seek out the insane to marry.

I know that all is not necessarily what it seems with people, but a bit of normal would go a hell of a long way right now.

And the last time my "mother" and an ex husband plotted against me was to have my kids removed from me, with so many court appearances, caffcas interviews and twenty thousand in legal fees, That was when I overdosed...and the RA had just been diagnosed.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. Really I don't.

Sounds like a good time to throw yourself on your GP. If nothing else, you could do with a ten-minute listen in real life.

Also, could you ring Womens Aid? And/or the Samaritans? (I know Sams don't do advice, but they do a very good listen.)

You mentioned social worker earlier. Is s/he any good and supportive? But get to GP asap, ask for an urgent referral for counselling. Do spread search for help far and wide. You get huge kudos for asking for help. Give respect a call too. They are so up to speed on the games deniers play. And carry on posting. We are here to help you survive and recover. And we are all searching for normal too.
(((hugs)))

Is there any chance you can disengage from him a bit more. I know its one step at a time but is there anything you actually need to be saying to him or hearing from him? Could you get a cheap PAYG mobile and tell him that he can contact you and/or the kids on that number only (screen calls on all other phones) so you can limit contact. I am concerned that he is still trying to get to you and mess with your head.

Reading your story as an objective outsider I think he is a very damaged individual and is not safe to be in a relationship with anyone at the moment. You should be proud of yourself for getting your kids out, they may seem angry and confused at times but I am sure they will really appreciate the calm environment you are creating for them as time goes on.

One small point about kids is that they often take frustrations and anger out against their parents because it safest to do so - (our kids sometimes tell DH & I that they don't like us, they are not our friends etc because something has upset them ) - and I know it bloody hurts but its not because they don't like you or blame you, its just because they need a safe way of dealing with difficult emotions.