how do you forgive and forget? keep falling apart!

[honey0108]

to cut a long story short, DP and i have been together 17 years , 3 dd's 11, 8, 5. found out in november he had been seeing a 19 yr old barmaid from his work for the last 4 months and worse still she lived in the next street to us. I answered his phone and it was her, she thought he was single and was as shocked as me. I couldnt speak to her properly as i was with my 11yr old at the time and she was listening. He ended things with me as he said although he had never stopped loving me, he had fallen in love with her too, and he had been "having his cake and eating it". He said we couldnt be together as I woould never get over what he had done and would end up hating him. He stayed in our house cos he had nowhere else to go and we didnt want the kids upset so close to christmas. He said he wasnt with me or her and needed to sot his head out. Then he must've crept round her cos they got back together but he still stayed at home. He finished with her after christmas saying he was too confused over her and me and she moved away. We decided to try to make a go of things cos we both still love each other. Problem is I'm still so confused , hurt and angry and still keep breaking down and crying all the time. I just want to be back to normal, its getting me down so much I'm so sick of feeling this way. How do all you survivors get past all the pain and move on? Please help! Any advice would be gratefully received!

Oh love.My DH's betrayal was no where near the scale of what your's has put you through and yet all the emotions youv'e expressed I so recognise and it's over a year since D day for me.Just wanted to let you know thinking of you and know how broken you feel.Not the best at giving advice.Keep thinking I'm totally over it - and in truth we're better together in lots of ways than we've ever been - but it so shook the foundations of my world don't think I can ever be the same person again and that still makes me sad.Especially when I read all your raw pain.Just sending you a hug and best wishes x

thanks so much stargazy (great name!). It really moves me that everyone here has been so kind. wish i had been on this site when it all kicked off, it would've been such a help and a comfort. not been too bad today; much calmer. dont understand really how i can go from 'normal' to hysterical over the slightest thing. this situation is making me feel rather unhinged, which is unnerving as i'm known for being really laid back. only my best friend knows about this so i am constantly putting on an act of being 'normal' , when i really just want to shout from the rooftops about what a bastard he has been. i didnt want to upset anyone over what he had done, but did plan to tell people when he moved out. As he stayed, i didnt think it was worth worrying anyone, so i really have been trying to deal with it all on my own. my best friend was great at first, but i havent been able to talk to her for a while cos she suffers badly from depression and so has her own stuff to deal with, she doesnt need me crying down the phone.
christmas was absolute hell on earth. We always go to my parents and i couldnt have explained it away if he wasnt there. so i spent the day playing happy families as best as i could. It was unbearable when my poor mum and dad were being so nice to him and gave him loads of nice presents ,i had to leave the room cos it upset me so much thinking how upset and angry they would've been if they had known what he'd done to me. i wish i could stop replaying all this shit in my head cos i know its not doing me any good, but memories keep coming back like flashbacks. i think i was in so much shock at the time that i didnt really process much, so bits keep coming back to me out of the blue. its not helping. Has this happened to anyone else?

Yep, perfectly normal unfortunately, you've been through something life shattering and traumatic. Lots about it in the Shirley Glass book. One of the things she says is to maybe pick a time of day, for 10 mins or so, when you deliberately sit and think about it. Then do your best not to until the next time. I think that helps give you some control over the images, and not let the flashbacks take over your life, but just at those designated times.

There's some other tips on how to deal with unwanted thoughts, but that's the one I remember, probably because it seems so counter-intuitive.

Do you know exactly what happened? Have you got all the dates and events sorted out in your head? You need to reconstruct your life during the period of the affair so you know what was really happening, do a timeline from
DP's first contact with OW, how things started, how they escalated. He needs to tell you everything, because until you know you're going to feel uncertain and displaced.

Another thing H and I did was set a designated time to talk about the whole thing. 1/2 hour in the evenings once the children were in bed, and were strict about stopping and moving on when the time was up. It meant it was easier for me to not explode, I knew I was going to get a chance to get everything out, and H was reassured that it wasn't going to go on for hours and hours.

What I'm noticing is that you both seem to be regarding this as your problem. So instead of this being a joint quest to find out why the affair happened - and his individual resolution to find out how he came to hurt someone he professes to love, this seems to be all about how you can get over this and how you can get him to open up.

He sounds extraordinarily passive in all this.

If he won't talk about his feelings and you can't discuss the issues without (understandably) dissolving in pain and/or anger, it's pretty obvious that you need some expert help.

As things stand, this isn't going to go away. There is just no sense at all from what you post that either of you has understood why this happened or that he has learnt how to protect himself against it in the future. It sounds as though you have done all the agonising for both of you, when to be brutally honest, this is the wrong way around.

He did this, so he is the one who needs to be agonising and analysing. Instead, it sounds like he just wants things to "get back to normal" and wishes you'd just move on.

Windsor is correct. These are his choices, his weaknesses.

He needs to find out why he made them. He needs to work out how to avoid them in future.

He choose to put effort into a relationship with a young woman rather than his relationship with his wife. Oh of course you are not perfect! But you did not chose to hurt your partner. He did.

Sorry if this is harsh, I am fed up of women blaming themselves when some man decided to 'fall in love' with another.

Reading this thread, I am flabbergasted at what women will put up with. There seems to some be unwritten agreement these days that, provided the bloke agrees to 'go to counselling' and 'open up' etc, anything is fair game. He has been fucking a 19 years old. He has said he loved her. He was married with 3 kids ffs. What more does he have to do to his poor missis? How about make her walk around town with a placard saying 'I am a mug and let my husband treat me like a muppet'. My advice OP - dump him. He will do this again, no doubts.

Actually, I think people can change. People can be horrible and selfish and cruel, but then when it is brought home to them exactly what their actions will cost them, they can determine to be different. And of course, counselling and opening up is part of that.

The OP wants our support in forgiving her husband, so it's not helpful to tell her she is a mug, or that there is no hope, as that is simply not true. It's possible that it may happen again, but until it does she is giving everything to save her marriage and keep her children's father at home for them, and that is an amazing thing to do. She is also giving her H the oppotunity to change, if that's what he's going to do, rather than just write him off as a lost cause.

Please don't be discouraged OP, please come back and tell us how you are doing!

thanks seachange for the support. yes he has been a complete twat and a cruel and selfish bastard , but a huge part of my distress is based on the fact that i always said if this happened there would be no second chances. when you are faced with this situation you have to rise above. when it came to it, i chose to fight to keep my family together. I was not the selfish one, so why should i let his actions destroy my kids lives? i want to try to work it out so my children dont have to have two parents in separate homes with possible bf's/gfs coming and going into their lives? It may eventually come to that, and I'll deal with it, but obviously would prefer for us all to stay together.
My eldest daughter is about to go to secondary school and i dont want her having to deal with her parents living apart hating each other. They love their daddy , and i dont want them staying in some other womans house or some bedsit. I am trying to be brave and seeing if i can get our relationship back to how it was. Believe me , it would have been much easier to walk away full of anger, bitterness and resentment, it is a daily struggle and constant internal conflict to stay, and at least try. In my head , I decided I'd give it one year, and if i feel he isnt doing eveything he can to make amends and i can fully believe he'll never do it again, then I'll go. Also, sadly, feelings cant be turned on and off , and even though he did this, i cant stop being in love with him, and i do believe he does love me, so surely its worth a try? If it doesnt work i can look back and say at least i tried. I cant just throw away 18 years of my life, and he's realised that he cant either.life is not that black and white, every situation is different.
Saying all that, if I even get a sniff that he's at it again he'll be out on his arse with the door bolted behind him

I understand what you are saying - I've always been one of those people who said that I wouldn't stand by my man and look at me now!

However, its very hard to throw away all those years and the children were a factor in my decision but not the sole reason for staying - there was no way I could stay in a loveless marriage. I did make it clear to my H that my decision t o see us through the current situation was no guarantee that I would not kick him out in the end as he still had so much work to do to repair the marriage and that I could only focus on one day at a time.

didyousee, you are entitled to your opinions , but that post just made me feel worse. How do you know 100% he'll do it again? Its hard enough for me to try to convince myself I'm doing the right thing, I already feel pathetic. What should us women do with our adulterous oh's? make them wear sackcloth and ashes? public flogging? tar and feathers? He is trying to make amends, but torturing him everyday is not going to fix anything. It has to be a joint effort to a certain degree.

Honey - I am in a very similar position. I am almost 4 months post discovery and like you I want to be able to say I tried to make my marriage work. I also thought that if ever I found that my H was cheating then that would be it. But until it happens to you, you have no idea of your reaction. I was totally and utterly shocked as I would never thought he would be the type. We are trying to work it out and have been to counselling and I agree that perhaps it would be easier to walk. But I also have 3 DC (6,4,1.9) and I want their dad to be part of their everyday life and I still love H so want to try.

It is so hard isn't it. I have never felt pain like this. I'm on anti-depressants and unfortunately, the pain and hurt has triggered an existing eating disorder. But despite this, I want to give him another chance - for my children, for me and for my H who is showing total remorse and sadness for his actions. I just hope that eventually we will overcome this. I don't think he will do it again - and he knows there are no second chances.

Good luck Honey!!

Honey youre not being a mug if you believe your DH is truly remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to make ammends.I always thought I was very black and white but in reality it's not that simple is it?You've got a family and no doubt a history together of many happy and good times together and you want to know you've both given it your all to get through this terrible time- and not just walked away.In no way does that make you weak as didyousee suggests.Quite the opposite.
Totally identify with situation with your DD starting new school.One of my DC's had just gone to uni and been quite ill just before -she adores her dad,and he'd always been a fantastic dad,and it would have made it so much a harder time for her.As it was all our DC's knew what had happened-all young adults.But a year plus now and we're together and I know they are thrilled and proud we worked thro things.If anything I think it showed them the value of working thro tough times.
Of course you may decide staying together's not for you ultimately.I just hope your DH proves worthy of your forgiveness.You are no mug.You are simply trying to get your head round a dreadful situation and show dignity and compassion towards someone you love who has messed up big time x

I think it is often a harder road to travel to stay and try to forgive, but there comes a point where you have to analyse whether it's worth it to you in terms of the person you've become - and especially, your own self-respect.

This is where staying to give the children stability becomes a bit of a red herring. You need to work out how much of your decision is about them, how much of it is connected to your own fears of going it alone and how much is bound up with loving him and believing him to be capable of change.

Likewise, he should be going through the same process. People often stay together after a crisis like this, on both sides, for all the wrong reasons.

You're suggesting giving it a year OP, but you are already 9 months on. During that time, your H has done precisely nothing to analyse his own behaviour and take steps to ensure it never happens again. Instead, he feels the matter is closed and resists talking about it again. He won't go to counselling, won't look for a more marriage-friendly job and won't talk about his feelings.

You seem to be hoping for a cure for feeling the way you do, when actually what you're feeling is natural and is your Psyche's way of telling you that you need to do something different. Have a really good think about what you need from him and dare to ask yourself whether this man is good enough for you.

If you accept so little and still stay, then go into that decision with your eyes open. Think about the effect it will have on your self-respect and your other relationships. Think about how that could change your way of looking at the world, so that you end up feeling as though you are now a different person - and not in a good way.

If you can't get him to counselling, then go yourself. You would really benefit from a skilled professional helping you to unpick the choices you are making - and the reasons you believe you have for that.

Hello Honey,
I'm sorry to hear about your distress, but thought I would share my sister's story.
Three year's ago she discovered her partner was having an affair. They're not married and don't have any children, but they've been together for nearly 14 years, so they've been together longer than a lot of married couples! They went through a stressful period, his Dad died, she got a new job and they moved house - all within 6 months. And then to add to this she discovered he'd had a brief affair (3 months) with someone from work.
Obviously she was devastated. Like you (and like a million other women no doubt) she was adament that she would never forgive such behaviour. Initially she went through a dreadful time, because whilst he was very remorseful, he would not discuss it with her. The first few months were the most dreadful.
Anyway, to cut this short, they are still together, and ironically I don't think I've ever seen them happier. After a year he agreed to go to counselling and they did for about 3 months. During this a lot of issues came out - they said they didn't feel they'd been communicating properly for a few years, there were hidden resentments on both parts, he was also clearly depressed after his bereavement (no excuses there, but it had a massive impact on him). My sister was struggling with big issues of her own, she was SO angry with what he'd done, but at the same time she recognised that it was a blip during a very difficult time and basically she didn't want to lose him or the life they had.

To be honest I think it took him about a year to recognise the true impact it had on her. I think he was in denial about so many things, and like a lot of men his refusing to discuss the issues was a desperate attempt at trying to avoid his own guilt and to see the impact of his behaviour. He has said to me that he would never go it again to her and believe him.

Three years on, they're good. They've worked really hard for it, but I honestly do feel they have come out the other side better than they were before.

Good luck. x

Honey, you are courageous and gorgeous. He is a very very lucky man. He must work out why he did what he did and he must address it. Above all he must convince you he is sorry and loves you with all his heart. Then you may be able to forget and forgive; maybe not who knows. But please do not put all the pressure on yourself. It is not whether you can forgive, it is whether he can earn your forgiveness.

Having said that I think you are totally right to give it a go. And yes, like you, I believe people can do stupid and hurtful things and learn from mistakes, Just please don't let anyone (including yourself :-)) make you feel as though this is your mistake to put right. That way lies madness...