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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please can some kind MNetters talk to me about being married to someone who isn't as clever as you are?

16 replies

greatwhiteshark · 08/08/2011 21:29

It's so bloody difficult at times :( I love him, and he's wonderful - all the things a man should be. But sometimes he winds me up so much, and usually it's things that I just can't get how he can not understand. And sometimes I just feel myself despising him :(

Arguments are ridiculous - if I wanted to, I could really take advantage of him, but I don't. Sometimes it's so tempting to be a really mean, spiteful cow in an argument.

Please, please tell me other MNetters have similar marriages?

OP posts:

Original poster

greatwhiteshark · 08/08/2011 21:48

Please, anyone? Just had a massive row, where I've spent the whole time really holding back on what I really want to say to him :(

OP posts:

LittleHousebytheRiver · 08/08/2011 22:03

Hi gws didn't want you to stay unanswered.

There are many forms of intelligence. You are articulate and angry and can probably argue better than your DH. But think of his good side, maybe he is practical, good at fixing things, good in a crisis?

I was married to a bloody genius but he couldnt find his nose on his face some days. I would have preferred someone useful who helped out even if he didn't get the better of me in an argument.

Hope it helps. Take a deep breath and calm down and remember why you fell in love with him!

Original poster

greatwhiteshark · 08/08/2011 22:07

Thanks LittleHouse. I know that marriage is give and take etc. and no one's perfect, but it just feels like more and more often, the bad bits are what's in my head more than the good bits IYSWIM. It's making me miserable.

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LittleHousebytheRiver · 08/08/2011 22:13

I know where you are coming from. I put up with it all for 28 years before the resentment and rage erupted and burst out and I left to live on my own.

I wish I had not been such a saint for so long. If I had done more straight talking and called him on his selfish behaviour putting his academic stuff before family and me I might not have got so worn down and bitter.

When it became clear things were badly damaged to repair then he was really sorry for what he had done. Not sorry enough when I was carrying the whole family on my back. Tell him how you feel, try to explain it simply in terms of what you need to feel better. Two hours off to go out to a class? A hot bath without interruptions? Him to do the weekly shop? Try to make it practical.

Good luck
xx

Original poster

greatwhiteshark · 08/08/2011 22:21

Thank you :) x

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dontlaugh · 08/08/2011 22:28

It sounds like it's not just the "clever" part that's the problem - if the small things are getting to you then are there deeper issues? Clever comes in many shapes and sizes - an academic may not be capable of catching a bus, an early school leaver may be a criminal mastermind etc. Littlehouse got it in one in her post - straight talking at this point could really help. No point holding back as the only one to suffer there will be you. That doesn't mean name calling or getting mad - honest conversation is all. I adored someone who was not as "clever" as I was (or think I am, humble to the core, me) and he didn't have the paper qualifications but far more street wise, kind, practical and hands on than I could ever be.

There's clever and there's smart, 2 very different things.

Original poster

greatwhiteshark · 08/08/2011 22:30

Yes, I agree, dontlaugh. It's the inability to converse that I find hard, because he's just not as quick as me and it's frustrating. And he doesn't keep up with the news, so if I try to discuss anything with him, he hasn't got a clue :( Have to explain it to him like I do to the children!

Agree it must be going deeper than just that though.

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dontlaugh · 08/08/2011 22:38

Well, I ended up marrying someone with lots of paper to his name as it were, and I have to explain the news to him too (as in update him), so that's not an IQ thing per se. I only tell him so I then have someone to discuss it with, iykwim! But I share the frustration of not understanding why someone would be so tuned out of the world we live in.

I think you need to think again about the real issues here, as it is sounding deeper, as you've noticed. I hope it works out the best way it can for you, update when it does!

Original poster

greatwhiteshark · 08/08/2011 22:43

Thank you, dontlaugh. A friend has suggested we write to each other, but as each other - she thinks we're not seeing our marriage the same way, and trying to put ourselves in each other's shoes might help.

I think it's a good idea, but not looking forward to trying to suggest it to DH. I just said 'I think we need to talk soon'...and bear in mind this is after a row...and he said 'about what?'

And he's not thick - he keeps down a job, a job he needs to be intelligent for. He's lovely, and kind, and emotionally very intelligent. But his speed for conversing is frustratingly slow :(

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LittleHousebytheRiver · 08/08/2011 22:47

I second the fact that even a mensa genius may not know what is in the news. My H didnt have any general knowledge at all, just his specialist area so was useless at quiz nights etc. That is more an awareness of what is going on in the world than a brainpower thing I think.

So dontlaugh where is this frustration arising from? What do you want to converse about? Is he doing his share? Making you feel special and cherished? Thinking about you and your concerns? Or just keeping his head down and getting his work done?

LittleHousebytheRiver · 08/08/2011 22:48

Sorry that was to gws obviously....

dontlaugh · 08/08/2011 22:49

I am ok littlehouse, my frustration is at people in general who don't know what is happening in the world, did you mean greatwhiteshark?

EllieG · 08/08/2011 22:49

DH is not as 'clever' (in terms of book learnin') as me. When we argue, if I want, I can run rings around him, and I could easily make him feel humiliated and small. It has happened when I've been angry and frustrated, and then I feel ashamed because he would never, ever do that to me. He isn't as quick or articulate, but he is kind, loving and emotionally intuitive and intelligent in a way I am not. So I respect those qualities and stop expecting him to be me. After all, I lack the strength and smarts (both emotional and practical) that he has in spades and he doesn't belittle or resent me for it.

Hang on in there and talk - just find a way of communicating that works for both of you rather than just you. Good luck

dontlaugh · 08/08/2011 22:49

x posted, my we're speedy

blueshoes · 08/08/2011 22:56

Is your dh not very good verbally but gets what you are saying conceptually, or can he not even do the latter?

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 08/08/2011 22:59

Wonder if the issue is that you are needing him to be too much to you? If you have DCs, especially small ones it does make it harder to keep in touch with other friends and keep up other activities, and does put more pressure on you as a couple to entertain and stimulate each other and maybe this is highlighting his weaker areas.

Do you think it would help if you can make more opportunities to meet up with other friends, or join groups/forums where you can have a good debate, so that your time with him can be spent on the things you both enjoy doing together? (no, not just that )

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