can someone please recommend a book to me on men?!

[needanewmanual]

i have name changed.

i grew up in a house of all women- parents split when i was very young.

when i first got married i read men are from mars women are from venus and i found it useful. but now three years into marriage im beginning to read more into it, and understand now the critique of it as being a bit more flexible about what men need to change (ie not very much) and much more demanding on what women should do

so now i need a new book as i'm getting increasingly frustrated by some things!! i feel like i just need to gain a new 'filter' so i can understand what things are unreasonable and what things are just a case of men being men.

btw we have a very good relationship and are very happy. i just get annoyed by things such as never doing his paperwork and letting piles of paper mount up ( probably need to let that one go) or leaving the kettle by the sink instead of its base (again probably need to start ignoring!) but also the way he can sometimes waste a lot of time when there's things need doing (which i think is a bit more reasonable to warrant me getting annoyed).

i also want tips on how to communicate better my frustrations to actually cause change, rather than keep it all in, or nag, both of which are unhelpful.

sorry if this sounds silly or pointless, i'm just hoping someone can recommend a good book really.

I think the taking 10x to go loo is one of the best ones-I remember once asking dh if he hd a problem and that he should see the dr about it!!!

I'm afraid I only agree with number 3 on whatmeworry's list. The rest is sexist and insulting to men.

manual, I can't tell whether you're one of those anxious individuals, whose worries & niggles make life harder than it should be, or just going through a fairly normal post-honeymoon deflation stage, or married to an arse who's keeping you on the back foot somehow. I really do recommend "Don't sweat the small stuff" - to everybody, as it happens, it should be on the national curriculum!

Perhaps it would help to clarify if you could tell us whether you've asked him to put the kettle back on the base? What are the other, more fundamental differences that bother you?

You shouldn't be feeling like this, really, not after 3 years of marriage (it normally takes seven )

Out of interest, is your partner currently looking for self-help manuals to help him understand women? That would be an interesting search, because there just aren't any books advising men on how to accommodate and make allowances for twattish and selfish female behaviour. Therefore, please stop reading these lazy, simplistic manuals that put whole genders into rigid boxes and jointly construct your own bill of rights for your relationship.

Contrary to some of the posts on here, men are perfectly capable of seeing dirt and working an appliance, but like anyone who is basically selfish, they won't deal with a chore if they assume that someone else will. I'd endorse the recommendation to read Wifework though, because unlike that Men are from Mars shite, it is at least a political work. What might be significant about the sexual politics in your household though, is whether your partner reads it too.....

My dp is a man and far more capable than me of seeing mess, full laundry baskets and doing something about them. But we addressed this early on: he knows I really don't care about it like he does and that if he cleans up it's for his own benefit, but I know how happy it makes him to come home to a clean house and I love him so I clear up for him. (sometimes). All happy because it's all out in the open and mutual respect and consideration are there upfront.

You hinted at some financial stuff 'he must change': that sounds more ominous.

I'm afraid I only agree with number 3 on whatmeworry's list. The rest is sexist and insulting to men

and

Contrary to some of the posts on here, men are perfectly capable of seeing dirt and working an appliance

Ah, I see it competitive catsbumface counselling time :o

FGS, it was all tongue in cheek (based on thorough empirical observation though....).

My XH#1 couldn't work any of the appliances, didn't know how to put a balanced diet together, got way too drunk, used porn, was obsessed with football, crap with money, and followed his dick wherever it led. He wasn't "just a bloke", he was an over-entitled, selfish user. If I believed most men were like him, I'd be doing them a massive disservice.

I figured the list was to be taken with a pinch of salt, I'm not using it as my new crib sheet onwhat to expect :)

Garlic utter it's more a case of the second scenario u describe. Definitely not overly anxious (five years ago maybe but definitely not anymore) and not on the backfoot. Dh knows better than to try anything of the sort!!

He cd do wih a manual too lol he grew up in a house the exact opposite to me- all male except his mum -who has always been and is a 'tomboy' anyway!

Good news is the financial issue is sorted (thats what the argument was about when I let it off my chest) and aPparently dh had done sth about it a month ago but never told me so there's imProvement to be made in communication on both sides and I think he saw that out of this issue (at least I hope so). I wish I had been able to make this change more calmy without blurting it all out tho and that's what I need to work on.

Well, it was a bit dim of him not to tell you ... Please try not to get bogged down in "girls vs boys" thinking because it just ain't like that. It's usually an excuse for something, and I thought you wanted fewer rows not more! Don't be scared of rows. They can be the shortest route to a solution. Perhaps this one's cleared the air over your money issue, opened up some useful points for the pair of you going forward and has been made up with rampant sex :)

I figured the list was to be taken with a pinch of salt, I'm not using it as my new crib sheet onwhat to expect

Oh I'd definitely say it was a good enough crib sheet (But I would say that :o )

Re Garlicbutters Arsy Ex, its the level they take each of these things to, and their willingness to adapt to new circumstances (ie the new DP/W) that counts.

Btw re "Not Sweating the Small Stuff" - DH gave it to me about 10 years ago when the DC were small. I did not appreciate the thought at the time but have come to realise he was a lazy arse and now I am too had a point - but I do think some small stuff to do with DCs does need sweating.

Luckily OP there are a number of excellent books on how men think and act. Can I recommend "Understanding Complex Male Behaviour Patterns" by Sheila Broughton? This is a really comprehensive study on the subject and should help you understand men better.

Why not move the kettle base nearer to the sink?

Would definitely second the recommendation of Wifework - it will give you a different perspective on things, at the very least!

Men differ from each other as least as much as they differ from women so it's not much use trying to sort your individual problems using some generalised book.

As a broad rule, before making any sweeping criticism of men or women in general, I find it helpful to insert the word "black", and see if I would still say it out loud.

If I wouldn't, then I don't.

Thus:

1. Black men cannot see what is untidy/dirty/without it being clearly pointed out to them
2. Although they can drive cars/planes/trains black men cannot work washing machines/dishwashers/hoovers without careful training and supervision
3. Black men by and large say what they mean, no more, no less.

etc, and my favourite

1. If its not that the dickheadedness is because black men are thinking with their dicks.

Much of the above list is criticism of either the pointless Henry Higgins variety ("why can't a woman be more like a man?") or it's a control issue (why isn't he more obedient to my demands, the bastard?).

The first is what it is, the second is nature's way of telling you you have not yet found that special soulmate who agrees to with you that your way is always the right way.

Deborah Tannen has two wonderful books on communication. I found them enormously helpful in understanding how/why other people say/do things differently (sorry, but links are to amazon in usa...):
You Just Don't Understand
and
That's Not What I Meant

Also, The Female Brain is very helpful in understanding how we, as women work. She has just come out with The Male Brain, but I haven't read it yet so can't tell you if it's as useful.

Or, you could have a look at this...

...the second is nature's way of telling you you have not yet found that special soulmate who agrees to with you that your way is always the right way

A soulmate who always thinks you are right is the ideal of course, but given the fairly low probability of it being a reality once the lusty shagging phase is ver I'd still back a more pragmatic approach (such as my points of course), whether the man is black, pink, green or whatever :o

I'm pretty sure men are just people, not some weird exotic species you need to read books about.

No of course men and women are not exactly the same, but we vary a lot as individuals so sweeping generalisations are usually unhelpful. And none of the 'problems' you mention seem like particularly gendered things to me. In fact most of them are exactly the kind of thing that I (female) do that annoys DP (male) Not the kettle one (that's more the kind of thing he'd do himself actually!) but the others are definitely me!