Too much pressure re sex

[Claennister]

I have had a look around for books about couples having problem sex lives, but am finding every single book is about how to make the reluctant partner have more sex. Why is there not a book which validates a position of not having constant sex? Why is he right and I am wrong? If I don't have enough sex then I am the problem and I have to learn to have more sex. Great. I don't like it, I don't want it, I have had a serious gynaecological history, sex is painful, I'm on hormone treatment that puts me into fake menopause and I have to stay on that to prevent serious complications to my health. I've had so many people examine my bits with horrible instruments that it's a relief to not have anyone up there with anything. I don't need to be wined and dined more, we don't need to give each other loving massages, I just don't want to feel not only that I have to had more sex but that I am the "one at fault" if there isn't enough sex in our relationship for him. There isn't enough "not sex" in the relationship for me, but apparently that's not a valid viewpoint!

Hi OP. Know exactly what you mean. If you don't want it you don't bloody want it! I go through periods of not wanting sex and I feel I am totally entitled to do so. I tell DP "sorry honey, just not in the mood, will let you know when I am again" and that's it. I will not be cajouled etc. it just doesn't work. Best thing is for him to just leave you alone for a while.

I'm with you on this, its always about adjusting sex drives up not down.
I am finally at the point of saying no don't want to, and my desire is as valid as yours, no better, no worse. If you don't like it, sod off

Well your wish to have no more sex is certainly understandable. But your partner's wish not to live a life with no sex at all is also understandable. So you need to discuss with him what the two of you are going to do. Could you agree that he is at liberty to have sex with other people as long as (for instance) it's no one that you know and that he does not bring partners home? Can you negotiate an amicable separation? Or do you think it is possible that your libido may return at some point?

The thing is, just as it is unfair for one person to pressure another into having sex, it is unfair to expect someone to accept that while they will never have sex with you again, they are not allowed to have it with anyone else either.

how much sex are you actually having ?

and is he any good at it ? (not a flippant question)

hS sums it up well, sexual intimacy is in my opinion part of what make a happy stable marriage. I speak from experience as my DW and I haven't DTD for 5 years and our marriage is falling apart. I won't go into details here, I have posted elsewhere on what the repercussion are, however you need to be upfront with your DP about your reasons, rather than just pushing him away.

From your post, penetrative sex seems to be the big issue, however there are lots of other ways of maintaining closeness without penetration, and if your partner respects you then he'll respect these boundaries. Surprisingly it's not always about the sex, its about the closeness it brings. Lose that, be prepared to lose the relationship.

OP hasn't said there is no sex, just not as much as her male partner would like

I can't understand why anyone would blame and fault a person for not wanting sex if it were painful for them.

I seriously can't understand how they would enjoy sex knowing it was painful for the other person. That would be them just using you as a living blow up doll without care or respect for you.

I wouldn't find a man with this attitude very sexy and I would be even less inclined to want sex with him.

I understand that the other may want more sex and I would say if that was what they wanted then they were free to leave our relationship and go and find it elsewhere.

Why is there not a book which validates a position of not having constant sex?

Probably because it wouldn't sell very well ;)

What would you want DH to do if you gave up on the sex bit, as (in theory) you both have equal say in what constitutes "enough" ?

Cleannister, have you seen www.asexuality.org? I don't know whether you do identify as asexual or whether your lack of sex drive is solely due to medical reasons, but either way you'd probably find it refreshing to find a site which talks openly about these kind of issues without implying that it is the low-or-no-sex drive partner who is wrong or has the problem. I agree that it's sad that sex is so ingrained in society that you're seen as "wrong" or "broken" by many people if you don't want it, or don't want it as much as you are "supposed" to. I also think it would be worth posting in the feminism section if you are interested in a different angle on discussion.

The thing about compromising between sex drives is that the first thing most people think of is gauging the two people's "ideal" amounts of sex and agreeing something roughly in the middle, and I don't think this works at all. A much better way is for both partners to say what it is they actually want, looking past the simple explanations of "more sex" or "no sex" - you might want freedom from being touched in that area, for example, but have no problem in giving your partner oral or hand relief, for example. He might find that it's not about the physical for him but about being close and enjoying skin-to-skin etc. Or he may be sad about the idea of never having sex again and you might be happy for him to seek that outside of the relationship. You might both realise by having this discussion that there's no way you can both get what you want because what you both want is so at odds with what the other wants, but at least then you'd know, and it avoids however many more years where either you feel pressured and used, or he feels rejected and unattractive, or both. If you can try to talk openly about things without getting defensive, you should be able to reach a solution, even if that solution is for you to split.

Xales, I completely agree: I think it's inappropiate to pressure someone to have sex when it causes them pain every time. Claennister, if you don't want to you don't have to and you're completely entitled to say so. It sound like you've been through a lot with your health issues and I'm not surprised you feel this way.