Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

A man asking for help ladies - my wife had a one night stand

16 replies

jimbogills · 08/08/2011 11:28

Good morning ladies.

A bit of backround first I guess.....my wife and I have been together for 8 years, married for 3. We have always been (I thought!!) blissfully happy apart from one issue. I have a sexual problem where I cannot associate sex as a loving act. I love sex but with my wife it feels like I am degrading and disrespectful to her. Our sex life has consequently never been fantastic but tenderness, support and intimacy have always been there regardless. I have been seeing a councillor for the last 6 months and there have been some improvements.

We are both horrendous flirts but always with the knowledge that we would never cheat on each other for any reason - no matter the temptation. We both took our wedding vows very seriously and we completely trusted each other.

My wife confessed on Saturday to a one night stand she had last month while on a hen do - a quick shag in a nightclub toilet no less - very classy I think you will agree ladies!!

She volunteered this information to me on Saturday as she couldn't live with the guilt any longer apparently. I was amazed by my reaction. I have always been in the "do that and you're bags are packed" camp but I was calm and rational and I asked if she still wanted to try and move forward. She does and we are seeing a marriage councillor next week.

The rollercoaster of emotions is like nothing I have ever experienced. I genuinely never believed she could do such a thing (especially in so sordid a manner) and I just need to know if we can get through this. Will I ever trust her again??

The reason I'm on here? Well, I can't talk to my friends or family as they will just side with me and I do have to accept a portion of blame, I can't post on a male forum as I won't get too many reasonable responses!!

Please help me ladies - i'm really struggling here.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 08/08/2011 11:30

First, stop calling us ladies!

Original poster

jimbogills · 08/08/2011 11:32

Sorry. :(

OP posts:

EightiesChick · 08/08/2011 11:32

The counselling will be key. That and the two of you having a sincere desire to keep the marriage going. Do you have any kids?

There are plenty of posters who can give good advice on dealing with infidelity who will hopefully come along.

Original poster

jimbogills · 08/08/2011 11:33

No kids thank goodness. Thanks for your message.

OP posts:

fluffyanimal · 08/08/2011 11:35

Sorry to hear you are going through this OP. You seem to suggest your DW's one night stand was directly related to your sex issue, does she explain it like that? Maybe she wanted the thrill of 'dirty, naughty sex' just for once? Anyway, whatever the reason, it sounds like you are going the right way about handling it, both with the marriage counselling and the individual help for your own issue. I've known people get over worse betrayals. Obviously it won't be easy but I hope it works out for you.

Whatmeworry · 08/08/2011 11:39

I love sex but with my wife it feels like I am degrading and disrespectful to her

...

My wife confessed on Saturday to a one night stand she had last month while on a hen do - a quick shag in a nightclub toilet no less

Maybe you need to be a lot more degrading and disrespectful :o

More seriously, if you do want to move ahead with her go for it, get all the counselling etc etc. But I think the results of this will have a long burn.

elastamum · 08/08/2011 11:40

Poor you. Hate to be the one to remind you, but you both should get checked for STD's. Have been there myself. Our mariage didnt survive, but lots do. It depends if you are both prepared to work through the issues. BTW, what ever your issues it isnt your fault. She shagged the bloke in the nightclub

Original poster

jimbogills · 08/08/2011 11:46

Thanks for your messages. Whatmeworry - I appreciate the irony of the situation - I know this is what I have to do and I am working through it.

Elastamum - She assures me he used a condom so that is one thing at least.

Why do I keep picturing the image in my head - I keep asking her details like positions and stuff. Why would I want to know this??!!

OP posts:

fluffyanimal · 08/08/2011 11:50

It's your mind's way of trying to regain control, it's a normal way to react. FWIW I think it's a good sign that she told you voluntarily because she felt guilty, rather than you finding out by accident or because you got suspicious.

CleverClod · 08/08/2011 11:53

'Why do I keep picturing the image in my head - I keep asking her details like positions and stuff. Why would I want to know this??!!'

Because you 'just do'. You NEED answers. If you don't get them the questions will just keep buzzing round and round and round in your head. You'll imagine all sorts of things but never know for sure. You'll ask the questions, you'll get the answers and then a few days, a few weeks later maybe, you'll need to ask them again, or something else will pop into your head and you'll need to ask that.

Then one day, maybe next week, maybe six months down the line you'll realise it doesn't matter any more. That you've moved on and, whilst you can't ever forget what's happened, you'll know that you can carry on with life without digging about in the wound and making it bleed again.

Good on you for wanting to make it work. All the best.

Original poster

jimbogills · 08/08/2011 12:03

Thanks Fluffy and Clever.

You are right that it is a good sign that she confessed and I suppose a quick shag is better than an affair.

The one thing that does eat at me though is when she was showing me the photos from the hen do on the computer, there was a single photo of a young guy. I asked at the time who it was and she just said it was some fella who was buzzing round them.

You guessed it - that was him!! Why would she keep a bloody photo of the bloke?? Surely it would be your first instinct if truly disgusted to delete that picture!! I have since deleted it form the computer and told her I did. She said that was fine.

I just don't understand any of this. :(

OP posts:

garlicbutter · 08/08/2011 12:03

Thank goodness you've booked counselling. That in itself is a good sign.

It's totally normal to want to know 'everything'.The jury's out on whether the gory details make it harder or easier to cope with, but convential wisdom is that she should honestly answer all your questions, without volunteering unasked-for information. As fluffyanimal says, your mind is already whirling with this sudden change to life as you know it. It wants details to help ground you in the new reality. It's a horrible experience - I sympathise. You might be feeling like you wish she hadn't told you but, really, honesty is what can save you both!

This is really a matter for counselling but I can't help myself : it's interesting that what she did elsewhere was the kind of thing you (presumably) associate with sex. In an unconscious, convoluted way, she might have been trying to understand you. Please don't chew over that thought any more than you can help, but do address it during your sessions. I wish you both the very best.

garlicbutter · 08/08/2011 12:08

Perhaps she kept the photo as part of a commitment to herself not to lie? Not to delete the event along with the photo, iyswim? People do symbolic things, especially when they're distressed.

Original poster

jimbogills · 08/08/2011 12:12

Thanks Garlic. I don't think so - although she would never admit it - a little bit of her is a bit proud of herself I think. He was a good looking and younger guy (she is really stressing about turning 30 this month) and I think she might like that she has still "got it".

I don't have the heart to tell her that he would have probably still have agreed to shag her in a club toilet if she looked like a horror show. I'm a guy and I know what we're like.

I don't feel any anger towards him at all - he was out for what he could get and why should he respect the fact that she was married. She chose to do it but I know I have driven her to it.

OP posts:

garlicbutter · 08/08/2011 12:28

That's very much your interpretation, jimbo. Of course you will do this, as will she, in an instinctive effort to make some kind of sense of it. You both need to keep an open mind as well, though, and be ready to explore many possible avenues with your counsellor. When you do come to a truth in counselling, it feels 'right'.

Take good care of yourself. Your ego's had quite a battering. Give yourself little kindnesses.

WhereonearthamI · 08/08/2011 13:59

WRT the photo, not sure if this helps but a woman a friend of mine dated for a while had a photo of a guy she said had raped her. My friend couldn't understand a) why she kept the photo nor b) why she showed it to him.

This is totally irrelevant, but I wanted to say that your wife's not alone in keeping photos you'd think she'd want to bin.

Flip