Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

A final warning letter for DH

23 replies

dreghorn · 07/08/2011 19:38

I have to write this tonight.

He's a heavy drinker.

In bed sleeping off last night.

Words don't seem to get though to him. I am close to walking but I can't seem to make him see what he is doing. I know I probably never will. This is the last time. I need to let him know that I will walk and I will probably end up having to before he really realises.

I just wish he could see the pain he's causing. I adore him. I am crushed.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 07/08/2011 19:49

Why not ask for a trial seperation? Ask him to leave and not come back until such time as he has resolved his drinking problem.

You cannot go on like this it is tearing you apart, and before long the love will go and you will despise him as opposed to love him, at some point your feelings will change and there will be no going back.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 07/08/2011 19:49

Well if you do this, mean it. You have to be serious about leaving if he doesn't make changes. Best of luck.

TheSecondComing · 07/08/2011 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

dreghorn · 07/08/2011 19:56

I have to see it through. For my own sake and that of DS.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 07/08/2011 19:59

I too would recommend leaving for some time and leave a letter behind saying you are willing to come back if he will committ to stopping drinking. Your ds deserves better and hopefully a short sharp shock may encourage your dh.

Reality may hit much more when you are both gone rather than you saying you will go...............

garlicbutter · 07/08/2011 20:07

Have you actually got a permanent Plan B? I don't agree with leaving and then explaining, in this case, because it puts too many things in the balance. If your Plan B is ready, paid for and packed, then great. But you're still at the final warning stage, so I say issue the warning. And make sure your Plan B is watertight.

It can work. Good luck.

Original poster

dreghorn · 07/08/2011 20:09

No real plan b but I have savings so could sort myself and DS out.

DH is on a few days off so won't be going to work tomorrow. I will leave the house as normal with DS for nursery/work at 8.30.

OP posts:

garlicbutter · 07/08/2011 20:16

Does that mean you're leaving tomorrow?

Original poster

dreghorn · 07/08/2011 20:32

No, I don't think so. I need to tell him/write to him. Give him the option of commiting to change (which I will support) and if he can't do that I will go or he goes. I need to word it or have it in my mind what to say tomorrow so that he knows this is it, the final chance. I need to find the right, firm words.

Even if he does say he will commit to change I need to think through a plan b as mentioned above so that if he does do this again, I am prepared and I know what to do.

Thank you for listening ladies. It is helping writing things down.

OP posts:

garlicbutter · 07/08/2011 20:47

I'm not pretending to know how to get this right, for your best chance of success. I think you need to make it clear this IS the end: one more 'drunk' and you're off, after which you will expect him to be out of the house within a month and you'll have started a divorce by then. Tell him you've got it all worked out (and get working on that!) and that you love him, miss the man he used to be - but can't deal with this any longer.

Have you been on the Brave Babes thread? They might be able to advise :)

I've seen the final warning work in real life, as well as on here. There's no telling what each individual drunk's 'bottom' is but am praying this will be his. Good luck.

Original poster

dreghorn · 07/08/2011 20:55

Will have a read of brave babes. thanks again.

OP posts:

jesuswhatnext · 07/08/2011 22:21

dreghorn - im a 'brave babe' - im so sorry you are so unhappy, the thing is, if you give him an ultimatum, you REALLY have to mean it and see it through, if you give him one, and then go back on it he will see it as a green light to carry on drinking!

i cant speak for your dh obviously, but i knew without a shadow of doubt when my dh told me to 'stop or leave' that he meant it, even the heaviest drinker can tell when a person is deadly serious!

good luck to you love, i hope he sees what he is about to lose!

teenyweenytadpole · 07/08/2011 22:28

I think you need to tell him. Write it down for yourself it it helps but in my experience it needs to be said with actual words.

I am also struggling with a DH with alcohol issues. Counselling is helping enormously - helping ME, not him. Have you considered this? Useful to be able to talk through options and choices.

solidgoldbrass · 07/08/2011 22:36

You have to be prepared for the fact that he may hear your ultimatum, sob a bit, and carry on drinking. Addicts stop when they choose to, so you have to start putting yourself and DC first, and leave if the drinking is too exciessive rather than finding yourself in the position of trying to police it.

Original poster

dreghorn · 08/08/2011 13:20

Thanks everyone. He tried to cuddle me this morning and say sorry. I pushed him away and he was upset. I told him how I felt and that this is it. Final chance. I told him that if he's not prepared to cut back then I expect him to clear out his things and not be in the house when I get home tonight. He looked taken a back. I said not to push me because I am deadly serious. I put DS in the car and left. No goodbye and no kiss (first time in 11 years). I also sent him a text mid morning confirming it all again. Not ideal but at least he knows.

So it will go one of 2 ways:

He'll not be home when I get in tonight.

He'll agree to my terms and we will see how things go. I am off on holiday and have a few days myself before full family time to sort out and have in mind my plan b but I am of the opinion that if this happens again I will pack his stuff and put it in his car and ask him to leave. If he won't we will go.

I am not sure if he's an alcoholic or not.

It used to be a Friday night thing where we'd get a take away and I'd get a bottle of wine and him a case of beer. The alcohol would last at least 3 nights. Mine still does but he'll drink that case (or most of it) in one evening. On the Saturday he'd then get a 6 pack and sometimes the same on a Sunday. Generally he never drinks during the week but probably would if there was drink in the house. I have to hide it if saving up for a bbq or a party.

He's the one at parties who ends up wasted. He'll drink 2-3 bottles to anyone else's 1.

He's been off since last Wednesday. Had a lot on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday (to the extend when the Police knocked on our door urgently looking for my neighbour he couldn't remember). Then Saturday was a party at our friends. I drove and bought DS home but he stayed (I was happy with this) but he ended up drinking home brew and being voilently sick everywhere. I collected him and he was unable to do anything yesterday for being so ill. He had a couple of beers as a hair of the dog and slept it off until this morning.

Sorry for my ramblings.

OP posts:

garlicbutter · 08/08/2011 14:03

Phew! How do you feel?

teenyweenytadpole · 08/08/2011 16:38

Your DH sounds like mine - we used to share a bottle of wine, now he can easily put away a few beers and then a full bottle, sometimes two. He always falls asleep in the chair after a session and then comes to bed at 4am. We never ever attend a social event which does not involve him getting arseholed. In my book, that's an alcoholic. He has promised to stop many times. I don't think people who drink like this can "cut down", sorry.

teenyweenytadpole · 08/08/2011 16:39

By the way can I just add - well done for being so firm! I hope he gets some help and sorts himself out. I know how hard it is to love someone and see them doing this to themselves. XX

teenyweenytadpole · 09/08/2011 10:23

So what happened dreghorn, did he go or stay? How are you doing??

Original poster

dreghorn · 09/08/2011 13:22

At the moment he is in the house. He tells me it will never happen again. I told him if it did it was the end and that his bags would be packed. He joked about it and I retaliated and said don't dare joke with me and that I'd leave if he refused to move out.

A while later he did admit that he had a problem. I have told him to research the net and if necessary discuss with his GP. I also said I was really ashamed of him on Sunday being so ill but I also did say that people can have a blow out every now and again for stuff like a lads night out and weddings etc - it is just that he doesn't need a special ocassion to do it. He just needs to cut right back and not mix his drink.

So, the ball is in his court. I can't keep nagging or bringing the subject up. Thank you everyone for your support.

I am doing ok. I shocked myself as to how firm I was but I was angry and I think that helped me get my point across.

OP posts:

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 09/08/2011 13:34

"He just needs to cut right back and not mix his drink."

This won't work. It will just creep up again and you'll yet again be dealing with his binges.

He needs to stop completely - but he needs to fully realise this and I don't think you can control when this happens.

garlicbutter · 09/08/2011 13:39

That's brilliant, imo, dreghorn. Well done for making sure he knew you meant it (tried to make a joke out of it? How desperate is that?!) It was absolutely right to make his recovery - or not - his responsibility completely. People might tell you off for the binge comment, but the point is these decisions are not yours to make; they're his.

What you've done is forced him to realise he can't have you if he loves alcohol more than he loves you and his family. It's really painful for you to face this possibility, too - I hope you're finding enough support in real life.

It can work. Good luck, take care. And stand by your decision.
x

garlicbutter · 09/08/2011 13:43

FWIW, I am a drinking alcoholic. I had to cut it out altogether for 8 months to start wth, though. And went to AA 3+ times a week. I still work my Steps. (Yes, I know it would be simpler not to drink alcohol at all. Just sayin'.)

Flip