DP resents me

[singarainbow]

I know this is not a big deal, but I have no idea how to handle it sensitively.

My DD (8) & I regulary go to karate classes, about once a week, sometimes twice if we are coming up to a grading. I aboslutley love karate, and since starting it over a year ago, I have found that it is something I love to do.
I also work full time.

My Dp is a stay at home mum & we have three kids (8,4,20 months).

The problem is that DP has quite bad arthritis and has tried to exercise, and swimming but everything makes her worse. She, therefore, doesn't get a break and time out for herself. I have suggested her doing a course, but as I work shifts, she doesnt want to rely on relatives to babysit when I am working nights.

It is becoming more apparent that she really hates me going to karate, and has said that if DD doesn't want to go anymore, I won't be able to go, as she doesn't want to "be like those wives that look after the kids, while their partners works, and then they go out pursuing their own hobbies and sports".

I don't do anything else, I don't go out with friends and we otherwise have no other out of the ordinary issues.

I can see what she is saying, and have told her that even if she doesn't swim, to go to the pool, as they have sauna & steam room & a cafe. But she doesn't want to.

I think she is being unfair, but I don't want to cause an argument by saying so!

Could you afford some daytime childcare regularly so she could perhaps do some sort of class or course? Perhaps when the 4 yo goes to pre-school???? When does 4 year old start school as then only need childcare for 1, anyone she could swap with regularly?

I think it's a very hard situation for her, you do lose yourself a bit when your the SAHP without any health issues!

What else is she good at, writing, anything else creative etc? Something to feel good about oneself is always a positive?

TBH Singarainbow I don't think your gender makes a jot of difference.
My thoughts would still be the same as I typed before - Most people need time from home and work and two nights a week is not an unreasonable amount of time.

If my DH told me I couldn't do one of my hobbies that I am passionate about even though, as I explained before, he is in pain I would think he had gone mad.

The 4 year old is already in school (late Aug birthday). I don't think she would be happy with childcare, as she didn't like leaving the 4 year old in the swimming creche when she used to go, and financially to commit to regular childcare would be difficult.
She does play the guitar....maybe I could try and encourage that? Give her time to write a few songs, or whatever she wanted do.

Well I fully agree with Catsu. Just listen to what you are saying.

I only suggested the sauna because [..] she is contracted on a swim card scheme which she pays for every month, so she may as well use it.
Now I would like to ask, why does she have a swin card if she can't swin? And do you also tend to look at things with such level of pragmatism. ie you have a card then you should use it and have an activity with it (but not another one)

but she always chooses to do something as a family.
That, imho, is very telling. You are working shifts which I suppose means that you are not always at home in the evenings (and during the we??). You are also going away one or two evenings a week for your hobbies. How much time do you actually spend together as a family? When you are together, are you just plotting around, doing chores or are you actually spending time together??

In my experience, the time when I resented H going away and doing his own things were the times when I was at home with 2 young dcs. I was exhausted but never had any 'time off'. I would have loved some time for myself to rest but that meant I was at home and therefore I was still 'responsible' for the dcs. (They would have come to me anyway as H wasn't usually taking responsability for them when we were together so the dcs 'knew' they should come and see me not H).
And then, because I was on my own a lot of the time, what I wanted was to spend time together not on my own in a sauna. I wanted time with my family.

So the question is really, have you asked her what she wants to do? Have you ever taken the time and the energy to actually do what she would like to do ie spending time as a family?
Sorry I know that on paper 1 or 2 nights a week doesn't look much but somehow I think there is more to it than that.

Do you think she's found it harder since the 4 year old started school, I remember I did, I was no longer busy being a mum of 3 young children and felt like a bit of spare part.

How about suggesting guitar lessons/jamming with a teacher, learning or practising a different style type of thing.

Most of all you need to discuss this with her, tell her that you need your own outlet but you are more than happy and willing to help her find one too. She probably knows she is being unreasonable but can't help herself IYSWIM

It's very unfair of her to want you to have nothing in your life outside of work and her and the children. That's not on. People can't live isolated from the world! You need hobbies, friends.. you need a complete life! It is unreasonable to say that someone should go to work, come straight home and never leave the house unless with partner and children.

If those demands were made by a man, we would be screaming controlling and abusive! Leave him! Get out now! (I am not suggesting you do! But that is how it would be viewed if the genders were reversed!)

I realise that her feelings are probably born of frustration at her own limitations, but how much is she limited by her illness and how much is she limiting herself by her attitude, iyswim?

You need to help her to find something for herself, but you cannot allow her to chain you up because of her unhappiness. That will, eventually, tear the two of you apart.

xpost (quite a lot!)

How will she play the guitar with bad arthritis? My dad has bad arthritis and his guiter has stayed in the corner of the living room for a couple of years now music was his life, but arthritis means that playing the guitar is just far too painful.

She is BU but you can see why.

You are allowed some " you time", so long as she gets some " me time" too, but she may not like to spend it the same way. What is unacceptable is her saying she doesn't need it so you don't either.

Stand your ground or else you'll go stir crazy.

Peppa, thanks for your insight, it must be crap not beaing able to relax at home. When I am at home I do take responsibility for the kids, the bathing, bedtimes, school/doctor runs and toddler groups when I am off. But when I do those things she is busy doing the rest of stuff, eg the packed lunches & tidying and wont rest until everything is done.
We do alot together as a family, parks, picnics, camping etc.
And, yes, I am a pragmatist, but i really wouldn't care if she didn't use it for herself. She got the swim card because it gave her unlimited parent & toddler swimming which she can manage, and she thought she may be able to handle swimming on her own, but she couldn't.

Well I will go against the grain. I used to think that it would be unfair from me to stop my H from doing his hobbies and have nothing in his life outside family and work.

Then I counted and he was away in the evenings 2~3 nights week for work. Then away for hobbies, one evening a week and one day every other we. It meant that :
1- he was away 7 days out of 14 so I was physically handling everything on my own half of the time. and then still handling a lot of things when we were together
2- if I had wanted to 'do something for myself' I couldn't do so (because his shift patterns were so variable I couldn't commit to a class).
3-And if I was doing something at the we, then we were never spending any time together.

So I have prioritized my family time, and had no life for myself (and was a sahm and gave up work because I couldn't actually do my job when he was travelling like this so had very little adult contact). And I resented him. A lot.

My point is that it is not possible to judge whether the op's P is asking too much with out knowing whatelse is happening in the family.

x post again!

Op how many night are you working each week?

I work a rolling shift pattern of 2 days (9-6) 2 nights (6-9) 4 off. I tend to go to karate on one of my 4 days (or eve off), but not if I worked the day iyswim. Like I said, I only go once a week, but if a grading is coming up we will go twice for the two weeks prior to it.
With regard to her guitar playing, she has arthrits in her wrists, knees hips, she can still play the gutar for short periods....maybe Random you are right, try to get her back into lessons, if she wants.
Peppa, i can see why you would be resentful when you start counting it all up,

I sympathise with you both.

Like some of your other respondents, I developed a debilitating health condition quite suddenly - about ten years ago now - after having been extremely fit, adventurous, sociable, etc, etc. I am STILL struggling to accept it, even though I know my best chances of healing depend on that elusive acceptance. I'm a bot better at limiting my self-expectations, but not enough yet, and am phenomenally resentful of those limits.

What you said about DP using her time 'off' to tidy up made me think she's going through a similar process of rejecting her disability.

Long story short: she's probably not rejecting you and/or your hobby, so much as resenting the fact that she can't do it. Sadly you can't fix this for her, but I do feel you should stop making suggestions! I really liked an earlier poster's story of booking herself a night off at a B&B - brilliant, that: I'm also unable to fully relax at home, when I "should" be finishing one of my many overdue tasks. So would it help if you could farm the kids out and go away for a "do-nothing" weekend?

It sounds as though communication between you is good. How about discussing the meaning of 'relaxation' and, perhaps, arriving at some sort of lazy, comfortable option for DP?

I think you have taken a fair amount of challenging on this thread and managed to consider it without being defensive it generally grotty! Your partner is having a really tough time (pain, lost of job etc) and her identity is threatened big time. She sounds a little clingy and I don't blame her at all.

Tell her you are worried that it is bit fair that you get to do an acuity that helps you chill and she doesn't. Ask her what she would like to do and start from there big it us family time she wants fine but you need to do all the planning and organising for her. Show her you are respecting that this is 'her' time even if she chooses to spend it with you! I think that respecting her wants rather than making suggestions (however helpful!) would be a really good start.

Having said that I agree with you that a hobby or something like that just for her would be good, I just wonder if it is a little patronising to suggest at the mo?

As I said to start, you have good listening:reading skills. Use them!

garlic butter, we do have a day & night away planned for september, which we are really looking forward to. It will be the first in years (easier to get someone to have two kids rather than three!). Like you her illness was sudden onset, and took us completely by surprise, and although she has never been a sporty type, she did like the gym and swimming, and being able to walk wherever she wanted., and yes, I do think after 8 years she still struggles (who wouldn't).

Shakti, I never thought I was being patronising, but I am....

You do sound lovely :) It's great to hear you've arranged some real time off.
I am NOT making suggestions for DP here, just sharing some stuff that helps me. I've got some of those guided meditation CDs, have identified the tracks that work for me, and use them when I'm feeling like a horrid person. I love going somewhere nice for a coffee by myself - sometimes take a book, sometimes just vaguely watch the world going by, but never work. I used to have a 'rest room' at home, with no TV but a very comfy chair, some music and a view out the window; I'm creating one here, too, though it'll take a very long time to get finished! And I'm revisiting old creative pursuits to see which ones I enjoy now - baking, painting, writing, singing, all stuff from teens & childhood.

singarainbow you do sound lovely. The fact that you would like to find something that means your P is happier and have a life of her own comes out.

But I am not sure that the issue is about that. I am wondering if the issue isn't about her llife, how it is organized (balance between time for the dcs, time for the family all together/ time for you as a couple and finally time for herself). I get the impression she, in her mind, goes last.

Also I am afraid you can't propose a solution. This has to come from her.

Finally, I know that sometimes, pain can actually lead to depression (because of the pain itself, the fact she can't do as much as she did/would like to). Is it possible that she is feeling down too?

I was going to say the same thing Peppa. After reading the majority of OP's posts, I thought that she sounds depressed because of the pain, which in turn, is restricting how much and what she can do. She also sounds like she's anxious.

Saying that, if she can use the swim card for the sauna, then the heat of the sauna might help the pain of the arthritis. I'm saying that because DH had an off-peak gym card and could use the steam room/sauna/cold pool, and his arthritis pain was relieved a good bit with the heat of the sauna. DH literally crawled into the sauna and walked out so the difference can be dramatic, although, it's not the case with everyone.