My instincts tell me DH may have an impotence problem. What can I do?

[Gloryandsoap]

DH and I have been married for 5yrs. We have a 2yo DD.
Neither of us has ever had particularly strong sex drives but in the early days would average 3 or 4 times a month.

It took 18mo ttc DD and sex became more of a task. DH often saying that he felt like a machine.
We are now ttc DC2 and I'm actually struggling to get sex at all. We've been ttc for about 8mo.

For example, DH was away with work this week until Friday. When I spoke to him on the phone Friday I told him this weekend looked like good timing. Friday evening we'd already arranged fir my mum to babysit so we went out for a meal. He said there'd be no sex as he'd had 3 pints.

Yesterday I had to get up early and go to work. In the evening I was upstairs chatting to a friend in the bedroom. As I finished the call, DH came up to bed at 9.40 so I got my hopes up but he just lay there. I asked if he was ok and he said he was too tired.

I've told him I'm feeling frustrated and rejected. I've asked if there is a problem with either of us. I just get told there's no problem, not to make a big deal of it and it's just bad timing.

The reason I'm wondering if he has an impotence problem is because I have no doubt that he loves me and that he wants to ttc. He is overweight, has high blood pressure and borderline diabetes.

What do you think? What would you do?

I would get him to go to the GP. I would think that being overweight and unfit is the problem.

You need to talk to him.

Why didn't you make the first move in bed?

He's already under the GP for his high blood pressure and is overdue it being checked. I asked him this morning if he'd got an appointment made for this week and he said no.
He is about 17st but fairly active. When we go dog walking I'm the one that can't keep up and gets out of breath. I try to talk to him about eating more healthily (main problems are portion sizes, snacks at work and beer when out with work colleagues). He tells me to stop stressing him out though as it makes his BP worse

I didn't make the first move partly because I want him to at least some of the time and also fear of rejection.

Do are you saying you're the one that always makes the first move and he always has an excuse?

I'd say I make the first move about 95% of the time and on those occasions I get rejected about 75% of the time.
To be fair, I've started giving him advance warning of when I'm fertile (or expecting sex I suppose) as I used to get comments like "if I had known...". It often means though that we get to bed of an evening and I wait for him to make the first move as I've already told him it's a good time of the month. I then lie there getting increasingly frustrated when nothing happens. Normally I end up getting upset and then so does he and half the time we'll then have sex.

All sounds v ridiculous now I'm typing it out

Sounds to me like the whole ttc thing is getting to him again. Are you constantly on his case about this? Might be worth just letting it go for a while, see what comes naturally as it were :)

I was wondering if it was ttc and the whole it just to make a baby. Even those with a high sex drive can find it gets to them rather than demands if sex being a dream come true.

Either way you have to talk to him.

The having sex just for ttc does play a part but we have just had a break from ttc as I had a mc. This is our first cycle ttc since the BFP in April.

Just a few thoughts:
Some medications for high blood pressure can cause problems with erections.
Borderline diabetes: diabetes can cause problems with erections.
Does he take any medication? For instance antidepressants can interfere with sex drive and ability to orgasm. And so can depression/stress...

I would agree with everybody, that a frank chat with his GP might be helpful. Do you think he might agree that the two of you attend together?
I am a GP and I often find it very helpful to get the perspective of a spouse/family member on a complex problem.

Sorry to hear about your MC - don't underestimate how much a pregnancy loss can affect a man. He was of course not physically pregnant, but the lost baby was his too.
I know it is a gross generalisation, but a lot of men do find it difficult to talk about these things. Good luck.

Thanks everyone for your comments - it helps to get different perspectives.

The mc did affect us both and it was our third as we had 2mmc before DD. He said he'd not pressured for sex since the mc as he was being sensitive towards me. I think that's partly true but I'm not sure of many occasions since we had DD that he has asked for sex tbh.

He takes ramipril for his BP but nothing else although he does often complain his job is stressful (project manager for engineering company).

I'm really not sure how to get him to the GP. He only went to get his BP diagnosed as it was part of his life insurance health check. He should have been back to get it checked about 8 weeks ago. Even if I can get him to go for his BP check, I really don't think he'd talk about anything else.

Hi Glory. Sorry to hear about your mc and I really do understand how much you must want to conceive.

However, reading your posts, what jumps out is at me is that you are feeling hurt, rejected and confused by his lack of interest in sex. I think maybe you both need to take a step back from the baby side of things and sort out the emotional side. You say that he loves you and is probably secretly concerned about his lack of sex drive as well (and if he's not, maybe he should be!). It might come from his sadness about the mc, from pressure to conceive again, from stress and an unhealthy lifestyle, or from poor self-esteem (if he's unfit and overweight he probably doesn't feel very sexually attractive, even if his is to you!), or probably a combination of all of these.

I think you need to find a time to talk and tell him frankly what you have put here:

• its always you who makes the first move
• it bothers you that he never does, and that he so often makes excuses,
• that you feel rejected and hurt,
• that you want a baby but you also want him to want you,
• that you love him and always will but that you think he needs to take control of his weight and his drinking, because its effecting your relationship sexually and therefore emotionally, and effecting your chances of conception.

You could ask him explicitly is ED is a problem (he will probably hate this, but at least you'll be talking about it).

Maybe you could also suggest doing slimming world or similar together. The portion sizes and number of snacks sor slimming world don't matter as long as you are eating the right food, so it might suit him. You could make it competitive, and a joint project, chosing and cooking healthy meals, doing exercise together as a family etc. It might also bring you closer emotionally and it bound to make him feel better about himself.

Also, when you do have DC2, it will be exhausting, so the more issues you can solve now, the better for your future long term.

Good luck. I hope things get better.

I think your instincts are right. I don't think this has anything to do with TTC at all.

Either he has a PE/ED problem, or it could be the case that he's actually asexual if his sex drive has always been low.

He really needs to address his health issues though, not just because of the possible effect on his 'performance' but also because if he's going to be a dad again he owes it to you and your DC to do everything in his power to keep healthy, active and involved.