I don't like my mum.......

[mojomummy]

.the problem is too long & labourious to write here .

The bottom line is, how do you tell your mum you don't really like her & don't want to see her anymore - or until she gets her shit together ?

She is about 3 stone overweight, the only excercise she gets is walking to the kitchen to make cups of tea or find something else to eat.

She lives in some odd odd place (Oh I'm an eccentric, she says proudly) & she is driving me round the bend & this has been going on for several years now.

I had a miscarriage in august & when I told her she said ( after I'd commented on her weight) that there must be something wrong with me. She keeps telling DD she is a good girl - ( DD rubs the window...cue bigfanfare, oh good girl)

I've just had enough, I'm pregnant again & I find that any contact with her makes me stressed & I just can't cope with her & her idiotic ways, please, does anyone have any suggestions ? (I've spoken to counsellors, friends, poor DH has had enough) My accupuncturist suggested that it's her life & if she want to be like that, it's her choice, but I guess I feel sad that I don't have the mum anymore that I used to love & think was the best thing ever. I've tried telling her evrything, but it's almost like she refuses to take anything on board.

We've just had a few days away & she got up late, ate too much, said after a couple of walks she done quite enough exercise. It's just goes on & on. & because she ruined our break too.

mojomummy
i dint speak to my fahter for a year, and inititaed talking TERMS after the year.
and he is fine
some people dont miss you, ie their children nor do they need you. if you are content in yourself that you feel you do not need a parent in oyur life presently then decide that and leave it at that. tell them directly or by a letter and see what happens
i was more than happy to focus my family life on my dh and kids, then it got to me and my father is now back in my life and his grandkids (really it was for them) , anyway would you miss her if she wasnt there for awhile
and maybe a break would be good

You have all my sympathies mojomummy. I'm finding it really hard to like my mum at the moment too.
I could never stop seeing her though. Like you I have tried talking to her but there's absolutely no point.

I don't know if this helps but I think we have to grieve the loss of the mum we wanted/expected and take what we're given. I'm constantly adjusting my expectations of my mum as she gets more and more selfish. My mum has been really awful during my miscarriage, my second (traumatic) birth and during my recent illness.

I'm resolving to cut down on what I see as duty 'phone calls and visits. I'll do the minimum now and I'll really try not to feel guilty.

I don't know if this helps at all, but you're not alone.

Good luck.

No, I don't think I would miss her. There is really nothing to miss, she rings up & says in 4 yr old voice, HOWS MY BABY ?. I have to remind her DD isn't a baby & neither is she hers.

She has given me no support/companionship etc over the last few years, so would miss nothing there.

Did you fall out with your father & how did you get in contact again ?

spidermama, I'm sorry to hear that - it makes me feel very sad. Are you better now ?

You're very right about the grieving & acceptance. This is what I need to do, but don't know how to do it - should I write & what should I say ? A couple of weeks ago I did the 'owning' the problem bit, saying how upset I am etc etc & she said she would 'get serious', but of course she didn't & it['s all such a waste of time

I think it's a good idea to write, but a very bad idea to send it.
I think I'll write to my mum, then bury the letter or burn it or something to try to draw a line under my current sadness around the relationship.
It sounds like your mum's at least paying lip service to trying. I also think they get stuck in their own patterns with their own baggage which pre-dates us.
Easy to say I know, but is there anything positive about her you can focus on?

Mojo I think pregnancy often makes these problems come to a head. For me the pg hormones mean I go into healing-overdrive, a sort of emotionaly clearance. It's a good opportunity to get stuff sorted I guess, but not easy.

I feel for you.

I remember when I was a child my mum really disliked her mum. She used to slag her off relentlessly when she came to stay. Mum denies this now of course.

I wonder if part of it is a fear of becoming like them. (gulp!)

Your mum absolutely sounds as if she has some irritating habits, but based on what you say, I don't quite understand why you find her so unbearable. Of course, I can only judge on what you've posted, and obviously, there is a whole lot more to the situation that can be represented in a brief, first post.

Why are you so angry with her? And why is her weight such a big issue for you? Three stone is significant, but it's not grossly overweight...

Not meaning to be unsympathetic, but it seems as if there is more going on here than is revealed in your post.

sorry, just having another discussion about this with DH.

I can't think of anything positive

Right about the baggage - always going on about how she could have been a dancer but her M&D wouldn't pay for classes.

She is supposed to be coming up for xmas day, but will have to cancel it. Just can't cope with her. (she's so greedy (!)) She has been on a diet (allegedly) since May this year. She lost 14 lb & then promptly put 10lb back on. I'm just tired of putting all this effort in for nothing. I'm fed up with her empty promises. It just goes on & on

I may be missing something here, but why are you so bothered about her weight? so what if she has put weight on? why do you care?

Earlybird, you're right as well - I am very angry - i feel let down. She's always going on about what a great mum she was & she wasn't.

Ref the weight, my grandad & granny had heart attacks ( grandad died), all due to overweight. She has all her weight round her middle & thinks her ankles are too thin ( am I really writing this?!) She eats nuts by the handful because she says they are good for her, drinks hot choc with 4 inches of cream, sneers at people that smoke in sports cars (what a shame - in a lovely car like that).

Ok, I realise it's her life & she can live it how she likes, what I need to do is get her to leave me alone. No more phone calls, no more upsetting me...

I care(d) because she is my mum & she is putting her health at risk - the problem isn't her weight, it's her attitude. She has spent 18 years being unhappily married to my dad, she spent 14 years as the 'other' woman & now she is just, I don't know what really. Looking after her mum& telling me what a bad mother I am because I work 3 days a week ( as I don't want to end up like her)

Mojo ... I don't know if your mum is similar to mine in this way but, I know my mum thinks I'm lucky. She's always a victim. Whatever bad time I'm having (miscarriage, bad birth, illness etc) it can't possibly be worse than how she feels/felt in the past.

spidermama - right again! my mum is the victim too - she is my 'daughter' & her mothers 'daughter'Never been a proper mother, never been a proper wife . Apparently I have to break the cycle. I had a foort operation in May & she rang me & told me she was on antibiotics - no hello, how are you/DD/DH, straight into me me bit.

I have a difficult time with my mum. She refuses to contact myself or me sister now - her choice. She doesn't know she has a grandson of 9 weeks & doesn't bother with her other grandchildren. Had a difficult time as a child with her as well. Feel my own person now. It's her loss as I have a lovely family.

mojomummy - sorry you have a bad relationship with your Mum - I understand there are many reasons.

However - as someone who is about 6 stone overweight - all around my middle - I understand the risks involved. BUT -- much as I try I cannot stick to any "diet" for any length of time. It is not lack of effort.

I think what I am trying to point out is that although people point out the fact (like it is hidden!!!) I really have to be in the right frame of mind for ME. I can't do it for anyone else.

Your Mum may be the same.

Please don't be so harsh with her about her weight issues. She is NOT greedy. She may be eating to fill an emotional void - I know I do at times.

Sounds like a lonely old lady to me actually.

My mum drives me round the twist too. We get on better since i moved out thats for sure. She definitely went a bit mental when her menopause started too.

She sounds a bit irritating.. but I know of worse mums believe me! (Well based on what you have stated anyway.)

She sounds as if she loves you and your DD. She phones you up and says 'How's my baby?' about your child.. my mum does the same.. she calls my boys 'my little man' and 'my little chap' (respectively). She irritates me in many ways but not in that way. I am just happy that she loves me and my children.. and I am no saint.. I am a bitch from hell at times; and my mum and I fall out horribly.. but I wouldn't be without her.

I know of people whose mothers have disowned them for no good reasons other than they are horrid people.. and others whose mums have passed away and would do anything do have them back for jsut one day. It seems a shame to be so wound up by your mum for the reasons you have stated.. and whilst I'm sure they are not the whole story, they must be significant reasons or you wouldn't have mentioned them. What does it matter what shape she is/how heavy she is? If it is because you are worried about her health, why are you stating that you want to cut all ties with her?? You can't be that worried about her if that is the case.. Perhaps you were just angry/venting when you posted?

I suppose you have to imagine how you would feel if, in 30 years or so, your DD was thinking and saying these things about you because of mistakes she perceived you to have made with your parenting of her.. and because you irritate her... and because you are a bit fat. When I fall out with my mum, I remember that I won't have her forever and the thought is a terrible one.

I'd try to make the best of your relationship with her if I were you. She doesn't sound like a monster to me.. and I really am not a 'people person'. Things irritate me that don't bother others.

SJ x

I think the weight thing is a red herring. The point is that mojo has a difficult and hurtful
relationship with her mum.

Mojo I can really relate to the bit about her not being a mum, but more like a daughter to you. My mum's the same.

My mum has been depressed for years now. Ever since my teens I've felt the need to help her but nothing works. She seems to almost protect her depressed status.

I've helped her move house, I talk to her on the phone 3-4 times a week for an hour each time (she won't let me get off the phone), I visit when she wants me to and let her visit as and when she wants. Nothing is done to my timetable or to meet my needs, it's all for her.

She is incapable of understanding my feelings. If I ever dare say anything to her she looks mortally wounded and creeps into her shell. I'm always the one who rings and makes up with her because crushing guilt gets the better of me.

I really do believe now that she genuinely can't understand my point of view. I've stopped trying to get it across and I'm trying to let go of the hope I once had that she would one day understand.

God sorry! Hark at me ranting away on your thread about my stuff. I think we have a similar problem though.

I wish you luck.

Good post jessnuts - I was about to say something similar.

I have some similar issues with my mum. But I know it's really about me not her. The bottom line is I feel my mum should be careful re her weight& diet but for selfish/childish reasons. I don't want her to drop dead of a heart attack because I don't want to be left alone(my father died years ago). I want my mum, warts and all, to be there for me and me alone. Since becoming a mother myself I've become aware how complex the child/parent relationship can be, especially if you have unresolved issues.

If you really want to reduce contact then you can.

Sorry, I know what I mean, just crap at explaining!

Meant to say, Spidermama has some v good points too. However, her relationship with her mother sounds a bit different and of long standing.

Sorry, don't mean to sound too questioning - would just like to help

Mojomummy, your mother sounds very similar to mine! I have been going through hell for the last few years just wishing I could get out of the relationship, feeling so trapped and guilty because she has no idea how much I loathe the status quo, and because her self-destructive, selfish, needy, amoral behaviour is now starting to impact my own children. Most of the time it's just clinginess, selfishness - she calls me every day assuming I won't have anything else to do, she moved 200 miles to live 20 miles away from me and has got me locked into an arrangement of seeing her for two days a week with my children during which time everything is on her terms and a real strain. I had ME when I left university and had very bad pregnancies with both my sons - I made the mistake of letting her be around when I didn't have anyone else (although having her there just made life more difficult because she forgets herself and just lapses into total selfishness quite quickly!)and now I would have to precipitate a major row to get less frequent contact. Every couple of years or so she has a major blow-up which goes on for weeks and consists of a barrage of irrational abuse, up to thirty phone calls a day, stuff dumped on the doorstep, hideous letters and accusations...she holds us all to ransom the rest of the time because if we try to change anything she will have one of her "episodes". She suffers from depression - so do I - but takes offence if anyone suggests she should try and do something about it for herself. My two elder siblings no longer have any contact with her at all, for which I am constantly expected to answer. She appears to have developed false memory syndrome and makes remarks like "oh no, I never smacked my children, I don't believe in it"...it's utter hogwash. My siblings and I were black and blue and terrified for most of our childhoods.

Anyway the last time she blew up it lasted six weeks was unspeakably stressful and frightening and culminated with her throwing my younger brother out - he came to me and I was then accused of kidnapping him - and then she took an overdose. Which was also my fault. The reason for this episode was that I allowed my elder brother to visit me for the first time in five years to meet his two-year-old nephew. I spent weeks preparing her for the visit and she had agreed to it and said she was able to cope with it. The screaming abuse started the night he arrived here and he had to leave early. I haven't seen him since, or my elder sister since I got married five years ago.

Sorry to have hijacked your thread with my rant mojomummy - it's just so hard to talk about this stuff normally because you feel like such a monster, hating your own mother. I haven't got any advice really because I'm not exactly doing a brilliant job of coping myself. My strategies tend to include carving out time with my children without her where we go to places I never go with her and try to really listen to them and enjoy them without thinking about her. And I take lots of long baths and try to think serene thoughts !!! U

Meanoldmummy ... I'm sorry.

It seems to me that both you and mojo need this even more that I do.

thanks spidermama, it does look well worth a read! Maybe it can help me find a way out of this situation without permanent harm to anyone - sometimes it seems impossible!! I think one of the problems is that we don't really want to cause more pain to our mothers, who are like this because they are damaged. I sometimes feel very angry with my siblings because they have "bailed out" and left me to look after her. If I wasn't such a big wuss I would do what was best for me and my kids and leave her to cope....but I can't.

So true meanoldmummy. My siblings are also less involved than I.

Maybe many people become disappointed with their parents at some point. I think we expect so much from them too, and feel very let down when they dont give us what we need. When we area disappointed, ashamed even,. When they then continue with their matriarcal/patriacal stance of being critical or something, it then really starts to grate!

There comes a point when we need to let go and accept them for what they are, greive for what they are not, and set the boundaries ourselves for where we allow them to parent us. If we feel they have nothing left to tell us as we ourselves age, it may be so. If so, we need to mull this over when considering the boundaries. If not, take from them the advice in areas that we do think they know better, and ignore the rest.

If there is love, it is almost impossible to cut them off. They are not a friend that we fall out with. Wish that it would be so easy!!