Do I have the right to know were my H and DC's father lives - Long story sorry

[steelchic]

Hi All
I have posted before but need some advice on how to handle this
Were to begin
Married 10 years together 14. 3 DC'S 25 (from my prev) 11 &7.
H left in Feb after being a total misery for 3 months. He was on a business trip abroad I called him and for some reason got on to his voice mail messages. There was a message from his land lord, he had rented a house 2 miles away from the family home - I knew nothing about it!!.
I confronted him with this, he denied it, he then told me he had rented a flat not a house (2nd time he's did this). He came back from his trip and moved into his new house.
I was devestated I felt my world was torn apart and the thought of the future without him was unbearable our 3 DC's were devestated.
He kept telling me he hadn't been happy and wanted to sort his self out but he didn't think we could sort our marriage (apparently our marriage had been terrible for years) I thought we were OK and actually happier than most.
Anyway he wouldn't tell me were he was living so I went round to the flats were I thought he was staying, no sign of his car. I went to were I thought the house wouid be and there was his car parked outside a lovely 3 bed detached house with garage. Also parked outside was another car.
To cut a long story short he had met someone else. he assured me she wasn't living with him, he met her through work his office is 200miles away from were we live and she comes from there (or so I'm told). He is based at home. He said she just came up for the odd few days. Anyway we talked about getting back together, we even went to couples councillling but he was unwilling to give her up so we stopped - no point.

All this time he has maintained a relationship with the DC's but he has always come to the family home to see them we have also had family days out etc. He has never and said he will never discuss the GF with me. As time went on it was apparant that she was a full time fixture I drove by his house a few times and her car was always there, even when he was away on business.
A couple of weeks ago I asked him if he was re newing his lease as it was up on the 3rd Aug (checked letting agents website). He mumbled that he would have to sort it out. I have found out that the house is now empty and I don't know where he lives, The thing that hurtsmost is that he told me It was a furnished house but it wasn't so he must have bought all new furniture for it and that takes time to organise so he must have planned this for ages.
I don't know if he has rented or bought a place
with her. But he still expects me to go on as we have been , him coming here taking kids out etc.
He is souch a liar my eyes have been opened I cannot believe that I wanted him back.
He was supposed to be coming over here tomorrow night to watch a DVD with the kids (and me) thats not happening now, how can he expext me to sit in the same room as him and be nice when he can't even give me the respect to let me know were he is living. He is now accusing me of not letting him see the kids he wanted to take them out but I have now made other plans.
I asked my PIL last night if they knew were he was (they didn't ) know he is blaming me as his mum got upset FFS he is the one who has lied he will not take responsibility for his actions
Sorry this is rambiling but I'm just so angry, he has treated me like a fool
Were do I go from here , he is not the man I married he is like a complete stranger'
I wish I could cut him out of my life but I can't cos of the kids
Help please

You don't need to know where he lives, so long as he provides for his children, so long as he sees them it matters not where he lives. YOu want to keep spying on him well you can't. He has moved on emotionally from you you need to do the same with him.

Your children are not babies, you want to know to be nosy not because of your children. YOu have no right to withhold access just because you want his address.

YOu will be entitled to half his pension. But that aside as you said he can force a house sale and get half, what is worth more to you?

Sorry Fabby but I disagree, Any parent would be irresponsible to let their children go to an onknown address even if it is with the other parent. I have never withheld access he sees them when ever he wants (in fact he is out with them now). I have not spied on him either I have drove past their street I could see the drive from the main road. I only wanted my suspisions confirmed that she was living with him because he would not tell me. The man is such a lier. He was talking about us getting back together only a few months ago. He was married before he married me (I had nothing to do with their split it had happened 2 years before I met him ) his ex used to stalk us, abusive calls etc. He made her out to be nuts - but in hinde site he was probably treating her the same as he had treated me, talking about getting back etc.

Hi
So sorry this is happening to you.

As many of the others have suggested, see a good solicitor asap. Get as much info together before you go! Figures re the mortgage, everything.
I don't think he can force a sale as you live there with the kids and your family helped pay off the mortgage, but you need to check.

Don't trust him an inch to have your best interests at heart re any settlement. He's lied about everything else so expect him to continue to do the same....though I guess you know that already.

Personally I think he's withholding his adress as he is up to something that he doesn't want you knowing about..that could effect the divorce... possibly he has bought a house with OW?

And there is no way I would let him take the kids if you don't even have an adress for him. I'd consider that a risk. Its not like you've been threatening or abusive. Also he's been coming to YOUR house when he feels like it.

Oh and what a tosser! x

I agree see a solicitor as alot of people here seem to be talking about English law rather than Scots. In Scotland assets are divided equally if you divorce, including the house. If alot of equity is in the house then it usually gets sold. This would be months if not years down the line though when you are divorced usually not when you have only just separated.
I would explain to him and the kids that you aren't happy for them to go to his house until you know the address. He could take them out for the day and return them though without going to his house, he doesn't need to tell you exactly where he is going with the kids any more than you have to give him a detailed breakdown of your day. You do have to let go a bit of your kids when you separate and accept that when they are with their dad they are with their dad. If staying overnight with him he should tell you where he lives though.
You can't insist they don't meet his girlfriend though, any more than he can dictate who you introduce the kids to.

How awful for you. He sounds an arse

It does sound like you are being very accomodating to him. Maybe you need to create a bit more space to allow you to move your life on and heal. Get some formal access arrangements in place if you can so you can do other stuff when he sees the children.

You dont need to know where he lives but for your peace of mind you can make sure the children have a pre programmed mobile phone so you know that they can always call you or you them. I dont always know where my two are when they are with their father but I do call them every day and they call me when ever they want. It works well as i dont have to speak to ex if i dont want to.

Thanks for all your advice. Today I have found out the most devestating news. The OW is Pregnant. I'm devestated as usual he didn't tell me I squeezed it out of him. I asked him to be straight and honest and tell me what his situation is. He said he would speak to me during the week and that we could go somewhere to talk have a meal etc. I said I don't want to go out I just want you to be straight with me. I asked she was pregnant he could not give me a staight answer just mumbles what makes you ask that. I said well we were talking about getting back together, then a couple of months ago you changed and started being cold towards me no mention of us getting back. He eventualy told me she was, I asked how far on she was and he said he didn't know FFS. Call it womans intuition but I just knew this would happen. I can't believe that in the space of 9 months he has met her bought a house with her and now she is pregnant. 9 months - 3 months of that he was still living with me and our kids and in this 3 months he could not of seen her much due to the 200 miles between them and also because of the snow we had in December we went nowhere for about 3 weeks then we had christmas and new year, then he was on a sking holiday then Brazil on business so most od December an January would have been rulled out.

How do I cope with this, I have only started to come to terms with him being with someone else. My eldest DD says she has washed her hands of him and he is no longer her dad. My other 2 DC don't know anything about her. They stlll think we will get back together this is going to devestate them. To cap it all they have bought a house 2 miles away from mine. We live in a town altough it is quite big its one of those places that you always know someone that knows you ore your family / friends . How do we cope bumping into them playing happy families at the shops park etc
He is 45 I cant believe he has fell for the oldest trick in the book. I know it takes 2 but I told him at the beginning this would happen. She knew he was thinking of coming back to us (we went to councilling and she found out, infact at our sessions he said if he could be sure that things would work between us he would dump her straight away). She has thought well the only way I can stop him going back to his family if to trap him. I know you will say I don't know that for a fact and I don't ,but I knew it would happen.
I even said to him I hope you are taking precausions - cos can you trust her. I feel totally humiliated I can't believe he could do this. If it had happend further down the line it would still have been hard but not as hard as this.
He thinks everything will work out and everyone will just have to accept the situation, but my poor kids my middle girl is going to high school next week and has a lot on her plate at the moment. My youngest DS is 7 and has found it hard his dad leaving him. He will not understand this. They don't know about her yet never mind a baby. Also he has kept this from the rest of his family (PIL Sisiters etc ) what a mess.

I think you need to divorce him as soon as possible, you can divorce him for adultery.

Please do it so you can put an end to this marriage as soon as possible. You need the financial side sorted out asap and preferably before this baby is born.

Stop protecting him. Insist he tells the dc the current situation, even if you both sit down together and do it. If you're not careful they are going to find out via friends at school or something via town "gossip"

Sounds horrendous

Yes it is a horrendous situation, unfortunetly in Scotland (as far a I know) you can't divorce on the grounds of adultery it just falls under un reasonable behaviour. I'm not protecting him any longer but I'm just so worried about the DC's but yes I know they need to know before they find out by accident. I don't know what he was thinking of buying a house so close he said its cos he wants to be near his kids - selfish bastard - it's all about what he wants. If he had discussed this with me earlier I would have told him to move further afield. Anyway once the baby comes she may presurise him to move to Durham (her home town) I hope he goes.

Sorry but I am going to have to be harsh here-he has left and isnt coming back. He has moved on and now you have too. I know it must be very painful but you have to stop concentrating on him and ow and start concentrating on your dcs.
I agree that your dcs are probably going to be very upset and confused when they hear the news(which I think should come from him-give him a taste of his own medicine) but you have to stay strong to help them get through it.
It is pointless being angry towards ow-save your anger for him. Get yourself to a solicitor asap. He cannot force you to sell home from under you and dcs. Also sounds like you would be entitled to more money and you are definately entitled to a share of his pension. Arm yourself with knowledge about the finances and that is your power over him. All the best.

Can you not get a quick divorce so you can sort out the financial side before he gets another next of kin i.e the unborn child?

Thanks pink
I know he's not coming back I would not have him gift wrapped. I just feel that he has wiped out 14 years of happy memories by this final blow. I do feel bitter I'm 48 (I know not old) but how the hell do I trust again. I devoted my life to him and my DC's. I got sterilised after out DS was born as we both decided our family was complete. No way did I expect him to go off and have another family. I don't have that option. I'm so angry and I had to sit and watch him in tears today saying sorry and feeling sorry for himself. And justifying thing with "well you knew I wasn't happy"

Hi Fabby
I've got the name of a good family lawyer. I will get an appointment tomorrow. Nothing against the unborn baby - it's nor it's fault but I will take him to the cleaners I need to ensure my DC's are taken care of financialy . He says they will always come first but once this baby comes along I'm sure that will change I'm sure his home wrecking bitch of a GF will see to that. Why is he so stupid he knows she has done this to get him I could tell by his reaction today that he thinks this (I know I'm blaming her and it takes 2 to tango) - but you can't tell me that he wanted another baby. She is in her early 40's and no prev kids old clock must have been ticking. I'm so fucking angry and upset I know I need to calm down but when I look at my 2 beautiful children I could cry, things will never be the same for them

Steelchic I have to say you are showing amazing strength in response to this latest turn of events, it must have been a complete body-blow to you when you heard the news.
You are absolutely right to get angry with him, and go for everything you can get on behalf of your family and please don't fall for his "poor me" routine, in fact I want you to take on a new mantra when speaking to him which is "you chose this".
I'm sure he wasn't planning to have another baby (his agreeing to your sterilisation confirms that) but he has chosen for this to happen with the decisions he has made.
He probably won't want to sit your children down and explain that he is having a baby with someone who is a stranger to them and most certainly not their mother, but he chose this situation so he needs to deal with it.

Also don't believe the "I was so unhappy" routine. It's more than likely that his "unhappiness" was brought about when the OW started showing an interest and he wanted to give himself permission to get some action on the side. Don't let him rewrite your history, you know what your relationship was really like.

Please, please get yourself tested for STDs. You now know he definitely wasn't using protection with her, and it's better to get checked sooner, rather than later.

Finally (& apologies for this being such a long one) every baby is a blessing, and while you may not feel this at the moment (completely understandably) I'm sure that this one will prove to be as well. For all you know 1. This baby may not be your husbands (!) 2. If it is his you have to admit it will be fun to sit back and watch the pair of them play competitive tiredness while you crack on with building a fabulous life for yourself. 3. This new life (i.e. The baby) will give you the impetus to create a new life of your own, without the baggage of a lying, cheating man to hold you back.

I know it seems so difficult now, but try to think positive thoughts, you can and will get through this you know, one day at a time. Xx

Major B, thanks for your kind words. I don't think its strenght I'm showing I think I'm just numb. My kids are and alway will be the most important things in my life and there welfare comes first. So I need to do what it takes for them. He is a worm, saying I want to help as much as I can with the house etc and was shocked when I told him to leave his key and give me some space for the next few days so I can get my head sorted and work out some access for him away from my home. I told him the cosy dinner and DVD nights have to stop - he looked shocked. We're supposed to go on as if nothing has happened. He was supposed to be here watching them tomorrow, while I went to work I told him I'm not going in to work,) I phoned my boss and said I needed a few days off to sort things out. ) He was not happy H that is not boss. He thinks he can swan in here watch kids as if nothing has happened - but he is good at lying. I don't know what to do for the rest of the summer hols (kids go back next wed) Oh and he will miss our DD's 1st day at High School he has a meeting in Newcastle that can't be changed - so much for his kids coming 1st xx x

Well done for taking your key back, and for telling him how things are going to be from now on (see, you are strong!).

It's great that you are taking back control, though this is when your ex will realise what he's really done to his life, and you might see some changes in his behaviour towards you (he's had things his own way for such a while now, the change will be a shock to him).

If you've got some time off work, why not change a few things around the house? Move some furniture round, paint a wall or two, box up some of his things and put them in the loft/garage. The act of doing something will serve as a good distraction for you, the kids might enjoy it, the physical activity will help you sleep at the end of the day, and your ex will start getting the message that things are moving on in your and the kids life without him.

Lastly, I would suggest you try to forget the smaller niggles, such as him not being there for the kids first day of school. The reality is that many wonderful husbands and fathers won't be able to be there either, and you need to focus on the big things. I say this for two reasons, 1) he is going to make loads of errors in this transitional faze, and you can drive yourself crazy stressing about them all, and 2) you are going to be having conversations with the wider world about your situation now, solicitors, friends, family, and you always want to be seen as the reasonable one, As he may well try and paint you in a very different light (to make people believe he was driven away, and none of this was his fault), so don't feed that flame with things that could be justified from his side (I.e. " Steel chic was trying to force me to miss this important business meeting to go to the dc's first day of school, but if I had I would have potentially lost a contract, and then my job would be in jeopardy, and who would pay the mortgage then... Of course I wanted to be there but I just couldn't reason with her about it, it's all so hard for me...)

The facts are 1) he cheated on you 2) he set up home with another woman and pretended he hadn't whilst still maintaining the illusion of trying to fix his marriage 3) he got another woman pregnant, and tried to hide it from you, but was found out.
The rest of the nitty gritty you can spill on here to your heart's content, and/or pick one or two trusted friends to support you through all the daily rubbish he will land on your doorstep.

Lastly you are doing a wonderful job for your children by holding it all together, so do allow yourself some credit for that. Do try and get some real life support, as you're going to need it, and do try and get some time when you can be you, and not "mum" or "ex-wife". This is the time to start rediscovering what you want from life, and I'm sure you will move on to great things.

Take care x x

Thanks Major B,
Just an update.
I have made appointment with a sol (Friday).
I met his BIL today, he felt very awkward and knew about the pregnancy apparently the whole family know but he would not say anything about how long etc. He did say that everyone feels he should have told me and the DC's before he told anyone else. I honestly thing the spineless worm would rather we bump into both of them and for the kids to find out that way as I don't think he can actualy bring himself to tell them. He would think ok it will be a shock at first but things will blow over. He really does not understand or empasise with children (or anyone for that matter). I also was told by BIL that his family feel awkward because I have sent birthday cards to their family recently from me & DC's and he has also sent cards from him, her and DC'S. My kids don't know that she exists how dare he put their names on a card with hers.!!! Also my niece and nephews must be wondering who she is and what if my DC's saw one of these cards. He does not think anything through I can't believe anyone can be so selfish.