Why do I dislike MIL?

[Wintersun]

I really don't know.
She (and FIL) come to visit three times a week.
She refers to dd as My Grandaughter all the time.
She won't babysit.
She cannot even look after herself (bathes twice a week, does laundry once a month, house is disgusting) let alone a baby.
She now has a cleaner as we made it clear that her home was far too unhygenic for dd so thats not an issue anymore.
She's usually willing to compromise.

She's very nice to me.
Calls me up to ask how things are.
Gets things in that she knows I like when we visit.
Always gives money for dd's present so we can buy something we like.
Never interferes.
She prefers to have a chat with me rather than dh.

Why do I dislike her so much?
I can't help it but I hate it when she visits.
Do I have a problem?

NO one?
I thought someone might say 'there there dear, we are all genetically pre-disposed to hating the MIL. you're fine'

three times a week?? I would hate my mil if she came three times a week. As it is she doesn't come at all, but that's antoher story.

i like mine and talk to mine more than my own mum.

apart from the hygiene thing she does seem quite nice from what you say. seems like she's making a real effort too.

Mine died so I wouldn't know. I think if anyone comes round more than you want though, it's a problem.

Nope I don't think you have a problem. Sadly as my dh says.."its the in law thing"!!!

I hate to say it but I am the same sometimes with my MIL. I think with me it's because there is the issue of her son & my dp and I feel like I am constantly fighting her for his affection when I KNOW 100% that I am his wife and he married me because he loves me. I have his dd so I have something his mother will never have.

Don't beat yourself up over it,with me I try and take things in my stride. Somedays I love her some days I hate her .

Also ith me it's the worry that my dd will love her gran more than she loves me .

Chill and try and take things in your stride. Although I know it's hard. HTH

No idea why you dont like her but sometimes there doesnt have to be a reason at all we just dont get on with some people.

I love my mil to bits she is fab and I dont get on at all with my mum so we just have the opposite going..lol

I'm the same as you wintersun - my MIL is a bit of an old bag but not evil. She just grates on me by insisting on calling DH his proper name instead of shortening it like everyone else does and correcting me about it. FFS he's 32 years old. Also the way she will have a dig at me when he upsets her instead of speaking to him about it. Obviously she feels that I have complete control of DH and that if he's rude to her it's because I've told him to do it.

No way would I have her here 3 times a week.

Sorry. I love mine, she and FIL are complete sweethearts, kind, considerate, supportive and fun.

In fact shes my role model for when I am a MIL (3 boys!)

tbh, I would consider myself fortunate to have an MIL like this.

Is it ok when you go to see her or just when she visits you? Maybe cut down on the number of visits?

Can sympathise...

My MIL is a perfectly harmless person, has been financially very generous to DH & me and doesn't visit often. Despite this I find myself disliking her and that upsets me because I feel like a nasty person . It has got worse since I had dd, I feel really uncomfortable that she is related to my baby.

I don't know what it is about the in-law thing but it puts a real strain on a relationship unless you happen to like them & get on with them as a person. I have nothing in common with MIL, conversations are very stilted and I can't be honest with her like I would be with my mum (who can really wind me up but I don't mind because she's my mum and I love her unconditionally).

It's a part of myself that I don't like & wish I could change.

I agree with Nemoinapeartree, that point is also something dh reminds me each time I feel like I could scream about his mum. In life we don't always like everyone and sometimes we clash with people. DH mum is maybe slightly similar to me so maybe thats why we clash..?? I just think that it's dh's mum and I know I would hate it if he called my mum etc.

Personally, I would hate anyone who came round 3 times a week. I would hate my best friend if she came round 3 times a week. But then I am a bit of a control freak and have a very low boredom threshold.

Saintnik - I feel exactly like you do. I really don't like the fact that dd is realated to MIL.
Yes, three times a week is too much as far as I'm concerned but my sil visits my mum with her dd every day and I love her for it. She really gets on with my mum and it makes my mum so happy yet I can't do the same?
I feel like I'm an evil witch.
I do feel mean as dh loves all his ils and always makes an effort with my mum and genuinely likes her (thats because she is lovely!)
I just feel like I'm wasting too much energy disliking and getting annoyed by someone that I shouldn't be.
I'm really trying and no one except my sis and close friends know I feel like this but I don't know how to let go of these feelings.

Wintersun, I tried to discuss these feelings with DH. BIG mistake, he was really hurt . He loves my mum too.

Do you think its because we are close to our own mums?
Dh would be very upset too.
I wouldn't ever tell him.

There must be some some works of psychology that cover dealing with people you don't like even when there's no objective reason... but unfortunately I don't know any.

I do think, from what I see around me (and on here) that the MIL-DIL relationship is a particularly fraught one. Which worries me as I have a ds...

MulledWineFlanders - My ds2 is 2 and I call him by his full name all of the time. It sh**s me when people shorten it. I don't imagine this will change when he is 32! I guess I will probably annoy any future dil's with this.

The 3 times a week is too much. She probably doesn't remember what it is like to lead a busy life raising children/being married etc. I hate my mil too. She is a manipulative cow but I am also very unreasonable about her at times (I actually wish her dead sometimes ). From a mum's point of view though, it must be soooo hard when your children grow up and you are not the number 1 person in their life and they have married someone who wishes you away.

Dunno, I supose because I love my mum but don't love MIL - she's not MY family, she's just a slightly dull but (kind) lady that under any other circumstances I wouldn't need to get to know. My mum is the same with her MIL and I'd always thought she behaved very childishly and here I am being exactly the same .

Must go, DH back from shops!!

I like mine a lot but find that a lttle of her and fil go a long way. I reckon it's probably the 3 visits per week thing that's annoying you. You need longer between visits to recover and see her positive features more clearly. Maybe it would be an idea to start scheduling a lot of alternative activities (mythical if need be) until it's down to once per week?

It would be great to cut down the visits but dh is their only family.
They love dd so much.
They lost a child of the age of 10.
What a devastating event.
As a mum now, I can't even imagine the pain they must have gone through.
How heartless would I be to tell them not to visit?
I know what my head thinks but my feelings just won't change. dammit. Must try harder.

that's awful wintersun. I would still reduce visits though because i think 3 x a week would be too much for me and everyone's health and happiness counts, including mine. I wouldn't tell her direct that she's coming over too much. Just reduce gradually. E.g. Be busy for one of the visits next week so it's just 2. Why won't she babysit? Some free childcare would surely make you feel better disposed to her.