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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Estranged Mother In Law-Moving to a house on the next road...help

23 replies

rosabelrain · 04/08/2011 16:25

Hi
i've posted on here previously about my estranged inlaws, just need a bit of advice/ perspective on a new twist to the saga.

My MIL sent us a letter 11 months ago, the week our ds was born, saying that she never wanted to see us ever again and it was best if we didnt contact her.
this came totally out of the blue. We have been estranged from my FIL and Bil for aprox 5 yrs, but have until 11 mnths ago had an ok relationship with mil.
so fast forward to yesterday, we get a letter announcing her arrival on the 4pm train, and that she has come to look at a house to buy ON THE NEXT ROAD TO US. She said nothing about her previous letter, or why she has suddenly decided she wants to practically live on top of us. the move isnt a small one, she currently lives a 6hr drive away. She is also physically disabled, needing quite alot of support, which she currently gets from FIL and BIL.
I am feeling really freaked out by this. She has not offered any explenation as to what she is doing or why she cut us off 11 months ago.
DH has had to do alot of grieving for the loss of his family and i am so angry with her that she feel it is acceptable to just waltz back into our lives as if she has done no wrong. I have 3 dc's and my own mother living near by whom i have to look after.

advice please!!

OP posts:

TheProvincialLady · 04/08/2011 16:29

Send a letter saying that you continue to respect the request of her letter of X date and will not be in contact. Anything else - bar complete silence on your part - will result in further nasty behaviour, and you will be guilt tripped into caring for her.

warthog · 04/08/2011 16:31

it's because she needs your help. presumably bil & fil have had enough.

i agree with provinciallady's suggestion.

QuintessentialShadows · 04/08/2011 16:35

I also agree with TheProvincialLady. You are under no obligation to become her carer, or even friendly.

bran · 04/08/2011 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

rosabelrain · 04/08/2011 16:38

Thanks,
My gut reaction is to run a mile, or tell her to. it makes me feel very trapped the thought of having her so close by.

yes i feel it is because she wants us to look after her. she is very manipulative, always playing the poor me card, every pain is cancer, or a brain tumor etc.but in fact she is fine apart from a long standing disability. I just find her incredibly draining, and the thought that she is going to try to weedle herself back into our lived makes me feel ill.
it has taken a long time for dh to feel ok about everything after her letter, and i just dont want this to undo all the hard work he's put in.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 04/08/2011 16:42

Do you think she has left FIL?

MizzyTizzy · 04/08/2011 16:48

If this was my parents and they sent me a letter saying they were on the 4pm train....I'd ignore it...they are on the train...what exactly this has to do with me I dunno?!

Then I'd go about my usual business.

This action only applies if you are happy with no contact though.

HerHissyness · 04/08/2011 18:02

So she hasn't actually bought it? you don't have to move just yet then!

Ignore. For now. She may be doing this for a reaction. don't blink, don't panic, just ignore. It might be enough to send a message that you are not going to jump, just cos she says jump.

If anything really does happen WRT her moving practically on top of you, then weigh up your options.

For peace of mind, could you look into perhaps renting your house out and use the rental to rent another? Look into Non Molestation Orders back up plans just in case.

Original poster

rosabelrain · 04/08/2011 19:44

Hi thanks for replies, all the kids in bed at last!
dh went to see her today, I advised against but he wanted to ask her what she is playing at. She has checked herself into a hotel in our village for a WEEK! she said she is leaving FIL, That he has bullied her out of the house, that Bil who still lives at home (age 39!) shouldnt be living with his mum so she is leaving, but he will, i presume, still be living with FIL. She hasnt appologised for her behaviour towards us, and has put in an offer on house which has been accepted! I just dont know what to do. should i go and just speak my mind?
what dh's family have done to us over the years is just horrible, and dh has had real problems because of the emotional fall out from their behaviour. FIL has borderling personality disorder, and has seriously messed with everyone arround him.
I just feel we're getting sucked back into their drama, and to be honest we have enough on our plate what with 3dc's, my old mum to look after and running two businesses.

OP posts:

Original poster

rosabelrain · 04/08/2011 19:47

i agree herhissyness, it would 'feed' her if we just all jump up and get involved...
on the positive side, we have been weighing up our options recently about moving to the other side of the country, so if she does move here, maybe it'll be the catalyst we need to move away!

OP posts:

warthog · 04/08/2011 19:48

this is totally crap. i'm so sorry. i don't know what you can do other than fight to stay out of it and support your dh in what he wants to do. she sounds like a real nightmare, and i do not see that you have any obligation to help her after the way she's treated you.

warthog · 04/08/2011 19:48

oh x-posted.

yes, move! wonderful!

Original poster

rosabelrain · 04/08/2011 19:49

that should have been 'borderline personality disorder'

OP posts:

MizzyTizzy · 04/08/2011 19:57

My parents did this but moved next door as a surprise.

Knowing what I know now...and five ish years wiser...I'd move house asap.

Sorry this has happened to you OP...for me it was my worst nightmare come true...so have some idea how you feel.

I can't advise anything other than moving...having my lot next door nearly drove me to a breakdown.

mrjellykeepskidsquiet · 04/08/2011 20:00

Thats shit really...I just hope your DH doesn't get sucked back in

MizzyTizzy · 04/08/2011 20:09

Yup it is just too easy to get sucked back in.

You don't become a nervous wreck overnight...they wear you down over time ... taking up your time and energy...if you aren't worrying about them you are 'doing' stuff for them until there is nothing left of the independent you.

HerHissyness · 04/08/2011 22:28

Offered, accepted, hotel for a WEEK! Sheesh!

OK then so at least DH has an idea of her game plan, and now you need to research YOUR move.

Don't tell her at all what you are doing. EVER. Just go.

Mizzy "My parents did this but moved next door as a surprise." Jesus! I don't even have toxic parents, but the thought of either of them moving next door would freak me OUT!

MizzyTizzy · 05/08/2011 08:59

Hi HerHissyness

Them moving so close did freak me out...it was horrible...like living in a prison for 4+ years.

They have moved now and I am no contact for my own sanity.

I'd love to be able to tell the OP everything will be fine but my own experience was completely the opposite.

The toxicity was bad enough as a child but being sucked back in as an adult is something completely different, especially when I spent 20ish years only doing duty visits. Them being in my life so much was torture....so much so, I am now left with Complex post traumatic stress disorder and am having to relearn who the heck I am.

As I said up there ^ if I had my time again....I would move house asap.

Merrin · 05/08/2011 16:51

Return to sender, not known at this address :o

Merrin · 05/08/2011 16:54

Ah I see your DH got more info. I would put my house on the market, it may be enough to put her off and she might pull out of her house purchase.

Original poster

rosabelrain · 05/08/2011 21:59

quick update

bit the bullet today and sprung a surprise visit to see MIL at her hotel. Before she saw us we watched her walking about normally, then when she saw us she started hobbling and putting on a bit of an act. me and dh presented a united front and in no uncertain terms told her where to go. it was quite difficult, as she is the arch manipulator, weeping, hamming up her various 'illnesses', feining innocence re the hurt she has caused us. but we managed it. as to the letter she wrote 11 months ago, she said she couldnt understand why we found it so upsetting and she hadnt really meant it and she didnt know it would hurt our feelings so much! not once did she appologise or say sorry for any of it, or ask about the dc's or our new baby, but i'm glad in a way as i wouldnt have been up for letting her see them anyway. she said she is going to withdraw her offer on the house and she is going home to sort it out with FIL.

So hopefully thats the last we'll see of her for a while. fingers crossed she isnt bluffing.

Dh would like for her to resume telephone contact with the dc's if they want to and maybe one day a visit on nutral teritory... but I'd be happier for there to be no contact. it's his family, so i guess i cant dictate that he doesnt have contact with her, but i can see this becoming yet another way of luring us into their drama... we'll see.

thanks for your advise everyone, and sorry that you had such a total nightmare with your family MizzyTizzy! sounds grim. and i hope your beginning to feel more yourself again.

OP posts:

MizzyTizzy · 06/08/2011 08:53

Hi rosabelrain

I am so glad your DH felt strong enough to have his say regards his mother...and I so hope she sticks to her plan to with draw her offer on the house. Well done to the both of you.

As for me...I'm getting better everyday and the longer I am no contact with my parents the easier I am finding life. x

spooktrain · 06/08/2011 08:59

Wow! well done for being so strong. Let's hope that's the end of it

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