Me and my cousin.

[needadvice2011]

I am a regular user gone anon because this is a bit sensitive.

Nearly 19 years ago I slept with my 1st cousin on more than one occasion.[Not proud of it]He was married at the time.I was not but was seeing someone on and off.

Anyway,I found out I was pregnant and convinced myself that it was my on/off boyfriend who was just an off boyfriend when I told him i was pregnant.

Anyway,had my gorgeous daughter,met a wonderful man a few years later who I married and am still married to.My daughter has always seen him as her dad and he adopted her.have seen my cousin occasionally over the years but he lives a distance from me so never an issue.

Met him this week at a family occasion with his wife.His wife showed me a photo of their daughter who is 2.5 years older than my daughter.She is very like my own daughter.Very like her.

I wonder should I tell him that there is a high chance she could be his?I have nothing to gain from it as it is not something that could ever come out but I feel the need to tell him.Why?

Please could someone tell me to forget it,forget him and just carry on with my life as I know it.

Well, the obvious question is, if this is for real is, does your dd know your dh is not her dad? in which case, who does she think her biological father is? what have you told her? If anything?

What does you Dh think, surely his opinion is more important than ours?

It is your dd who is important in this, not you, not your cousin, not your dh.

I don't think you should tell him. I think the reason you feel the urge to is because your genes are all excited that they've managed to replicate themselves in greater than usual proportions! Being led by your genes isn't always the best idea.

If, by some strange familial coincidence, your daughter were to get pregnant by a relative of her own, you would have to tell her I'm afraid. Currently 30% of all defective births in the UK are to Pakistanis, because of intermarriage between cousins (as they have a small pool of local options.)

Personally I feel you should tell her anyway, but that's up to you.

Presumably your cousin was aware that you became pregnant. Did it not occur to him that he might be the father . I can't understand why this conversation has not already taken place

Thing is, if he is your cousin there is likely to be a family resemblance between your DD and his DD which may only be a general family resemblance, rather than an indication he is her father.
Your DD knows that your H is not her father, so it's not like there is some great secret timebomb on that account. Unless there is a known genetic problem within your family already I really don't think anything could be gained, in this case, from digging around in the past.

My DC look very like my DP's cousin's children, your DD and his looking alike isn't that unlikely given that you're related

I agree with SGB as when I was 18 yrs old I went to find family I have never seen. A man in the drive fixing a car said to me 'go and put the kettle on L' I thought what a cheek....it took the man 5 minutes to realise I was not his daughter (only when I opened my mouth to speak did I not have a foreign accent) we had same hair length/colour/hieght/size etc...we could have passed as twins...
Now my mum never slept with my dad's cousin!

But if it is your first cousin dd then like garlic says there is a chance that your dd may have a child who is then born with a disability. This then would be unfair not to share with dd to let her know of the risks when having a child of her own.

Well I suppose I could have slept with DP's cousin, but it's unlikely she got me pregnant, rofl

Hi

Thanks for all the advice.

My DD knows that DH is not her bio father.I have never kept that from her.I told her that the on/off boyfriend was her bio.

My DH does not know about my cousin.I wold be too ashamed to tell him.

vigglewiggle

In all the years I have only seen cousin a handful of times and never at a time where we could discuss what happened.

As you say,the looking alike could just come from the family gene pool.

Thanks again

I just thought your pregnancy and the birth would have been discussed within the family and that it might then have occurred to him that he may be the father.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Where does the on/off boyfriend from years ago fit in - does he still think you're bringing up his daughter?

So has the on/off boyfriend of years ago been involved in your daughters life?

I met my female cousin's daughter at a funeral and was shocked by how much she looked like my DD (her second cousin) - I had always thought DD took after her dad's side of the family as she's the spitting image of one of her cousins from that side.

I would suggest that if DD wants / needs to have contact with her bio father then you might have to come clean - did you tell her it was an on/off bfriend or that it was the named bf? Does she have any contact with him? If you have lied to her already then this is obviously more complex - and I think your dd is the one to think about in this.

good luck with what you decide

Thanks so much for all the replies.

The on/off boyfriend walked away when I told him I was pregnant.Never to be seen again.

Maybe I should just carry on as before and say nothing to anybody.I think just seeing him this week brought up a lot of emotion.Chances are it will be another 5 years before I see him again.[As you can probably tell ,we are not the closest family in the world!]

I would keep quiet. It's ancient history now, & your dd is accustomed to her biological father not being around - suddenly raising the possibility that it might be your cousin is opening a really unnecessary can of worms.

Different if your culture was one of cousin marriage, & dd might need to avoid cousins who might be more closely related than she thinks. But as you say this isn't the case, & you aren't a close family, I'd just let it be.