My son; self-destructing & I don't know what to do...

[justwanttobeleftalone]

I have a (nearly) 20yr old DS. I split with his dad when pregnant, as his dad used to beat me up when drunk. My son did well, was very bright - passed his 11+, went to a good grammar school, did well academically etc.

When he was 13 his dad (who'd been diagnosed as a schizophrenic), attacked & raped me, hurt DS & threatened to kill us all. He went to prison for this, and was not allowed any contact with DS till he was 18.

DS went downhill. I tried to get counselling, went to CAMHS etc - which was s*it useless. I struggled with the attack as well. DS became increasingly violent & began to smash his room, my furniture, and punch me. I had a breakdown & was diagnosed with bipolar.

DS had a female friend, who he pulled a knife on - then immediately took a massive overdose. He continued to be violent towards me.

I met & married DH within a short time, and DS didn't move with us, instead moving in with my parents. He seemed fine, until he met a girl - and when their relationship ended he went beserk. He smashed my parents furniture, he got drunk every night, sounded nuts all the time. He was put on antipsychotics, but the drinking was still excessive.

He recently got a new GF & seemed better - but now they must have split up - he drunk 8 litres of cider tonight, smashed his room (with all my parents furniture in) and his XBox, his TV, his mobile phone, slashed his mattress, broke all the shelves & finally slashed his arms.

My parents called the police. They're taking him to hospital. I don't know what to do. My parents are refusing to have him back, and the police have said my address isn't suitable (nor would DH have DS here).

I have a 13 month old DD asleep upstairs, and I'm 25 weeks pregnant. I don't drive. The police are staying with DS until he's discharged (they handcuffed him), and I suggested he go to the psychiatric hospital (have tried to get his assessed there for ages). DH is reluctant to get DD up to take her out, and I'm not sure the police want me there anyway.

I just don't know... he's still my baby, and I feel that he thinks I've abandoned him - which I haven't, but obviously having him that unstable & around a baby is not good... I feel so wretched - I don't know what to do?

Your husband is still asleep whilst you, a pregnant woman, has got up early with a little one, after spending a night tormenting yourself about your son?

That is just not right.

As soon as you said you'd met and married within a very short time, alarm bells rang.

You are in a terrible situation with your son, but now I think the time has come for you to focus on your parents. They must have been terrified, and now their home is ruined, too. Can you help them with that? What about FreeCycle? They did everything they could to help you and your son and now their home is ruined and they must be wroried about him returning.

Worried, even.

I think you will have to concede that your parents can not have him back with them after this. It sounds like they have done all they could, but this is too much for them to cope with now, and it would be unfair to put any emotional pressure on them to have him back.

It must be terribly difficult, but I do think you have to put your young child, and your unborn one first in this situation as hard as it may be. Your son is an adult, and I know you must feel you cant turn your back on him, but your younger children need you and depend on you 100%.

dont go there and amke sure your parents stick to not having him back.
it is much cheaper to treat "in the community" andif you or your p s are willing they will take that - so make it clear -
you cant have him
your parents cant have him

the services have to find a bed for him in the hospital or if not then in a half way supported hostel (they exist)

be firm.
or you will end up supporting him in a day to day care way and you just cant do that

just tell police/hospital/CMHt - you will see him if he wishes but under supervised conditions eg visiting room at the psych hospital.

he is drunk incoherent and you gain nothing by visiting with him today. ask police to pass on a message if you like.

you will not have him at home as he is a danger - either he is criminally bad - or he is "mad" ie has some MH issues which could be treated - addiction to alcohol plus MH issues; or indeed both.

either way you cannot put yourself and DC at risk .

Any news, Just?

Yes, my mum & dad have officially made him homeless, only the homeless accommodation near here is all full, so they offered him somewhere 40-50 miles away... his CPN has told them that this is unacceptable, but he'll have to stay with friends over the weekend, unfortunately he's buggered off to another village with his GF, when his CPN was willing to go with him and argue his case.

I really am worried about him, though I know it's probably best if he does live alone, as he was apparently walking around my parent's house with a crowbar - threatening them. The biggest problem is his drinking - I really hope he does work to stop that.

When I know more I'll let you know, thanks Jasper for asking :)

OP, your attention needs to be on your parents, now, don't you think? They must have been terrified and of course they've just had a lot of their property smashed to pieces.

I really feel for your son. What he witnessed and what he is going through right now sound horrendous. I hope he somehow gets the help he needs.
I am actually very concerned abput your own mh problems-how can you possibly defend the way your dh spoke about your son? that is not being "unemtotional* that is called being a twunt. He basically blamed you for your ds having mental health issues?. This is a real problem that needs addressing-any man who spoke about my child like that would be in a lot of fucking trouble.
Keep trying to get your ds the help he needs even if he doesnt want it. Hope it works out for you.

I feel for you in this situation but my belief is that 20 years old is still young. Legally an adult yes but still he knows very little about the real world, if most 20 years are to go by. Just think back to how much you knew at that age? It is difficult because you have a new husband, effectively a new family with new babies etc; but he is still your son. An adult baby. Emotionally scarred. You should enlist your dh husband's help on this, hopefully he will step up. You should also get the advice of professionals as to how/ what you can to heal this broken boy/ man. If he does have mental health problems (not sure if that conclusive, apologies) then he needs to made to seek the correct treatment. I cant help feeling the boy is crying out for his mother. Mothers have a very unique role to play. I hope you dont find this post patronising in any way, I can imagine you have sought to make a life for yourself, to find love and happiness, but i do believe you should at least offer him help. If you dont then he will never forgive you and you will lose him forever.