Help - am on brink of being a single parent : (

[Weasy]

My DP and I have been together for 5 years and had a number of miscarriages before I gave birth to a beautiful little girl in January. Ever since she was born we seem to be arguing constantly - I know this is the case for most new parents but with us I think it is more serious and that we have a fundamental difference of beliefs with how approach we parenting.

He thinks that ALL of the caring for our DD is my responsibility and has been known to say that this is now my "job" and that I am "on maternity leave afterall." He complains of being tired all of the time but I do all of the night feeding etc and nothing seems to be enough. I have suggested that he sleeps a couple of nights a week at his parents place to catch up (he won't) and I also go to my Mum's fairly regularly to give him a break. However, he seems to think that these visits are a holiday for me and is exasperated when I am still tired when I come back - I think he thought my 74 year old mother would be doing all of the night feeds...

He doesn't have a particularly demanding job in terms of hours etc and I think he has always resented the fact that I am the major breadwinner. He is trying to establish a new business but I feel he blames me for it not taking off in the way that he wants and the fact that he is a little out of his depth. He attributes all of this to tiredness yet won't do any of the things I have suggested (like sleeping at his parents) so that he could catch up.

He just seems angry with me all the time and cites examples of people he knows where the men do nothing and says that at least he "lets" me go to the gym a couple of times a week. He also cites a couple he knows who farm their baby out for days on end so that they can go off partying - I couldn't do this and suspect he doesn't want to party anyway (we never did before we had DD), it's just another stick to beat me with. His idea of childcare is taking DD out for a walk whihc mainly involves his taking her to the local cafe. He won't put her down for sleeps at home because he hates doing anything which might involve her crying.

After months of arguments - which always seem to end up with his making a character assassination of my many flaws he has buggared off for the night leaving me with the baby. She is v unsettled at the moment so I suspect that I am in for a very stressful night. All of the character assassination is also making me really lack confidence and I have explained this to him but as soon as he gets angry it all starts again.

I just don't know if I can carry on with this much longer. We argue in front of our dear little girl which breaks my heart. I have suggested we talk to someone which he has agreed to but mainly because he sees it as a chance to show me that I am wrong - his words. I can afford to run the flat on my own but can't afford to buy him out but he says he wants the flat. We haven't seriosuly discussed splitting up but this is what he has said in our many arguments.

My parents are divorced and I promised myself that I would never be a single parent yet I know that a hostile and resentful environment is a terrible start in life for a young baby and I am honestly starting to think that I would be better off alone. I do love him but I recognise that he is a very selfish man and was mildy annoying in a partner but is really more worrying in the context of a family. He does love DD dearly but doesn;t wnat any of the sheer hard work that goes with having a baby. Yesterday we went to his sisters for the day and I asked if he would change DD's nappy and he pointblank refused and when I broached this this morning he said in complete seriousness "but you're her Mother."

I feel isolated and as if I can't discuss this with anyone. I feel such a failure and I am sure that if I discussed this with my family it would worry and upset them plus my dearest stepdad has cancer and I don't want to give my Mum anything else to worry about. DP says that I have no right to any life for myself at the moment because DD is only 7 months old. It's not as if I want to go out gallivanting, I just would like him to put DD to bed occasionally or help me a bit more around the house.

I don't know what to do.

Can I throw in a slightly different perspective? I read somewhere that the first year after having a baby is the most common time for couples that split up. Of course, it could be that it shows up his true colours, but it could also be the case that he/you are both incredibly tired, even the one not up in the night tends to have disturbed sleep, and all of that, coupled with some major life changes can have a very negative effect on a marriage. Lots of couples I know found that first year a strain, I certainly did, and the pressure of feeling like we weren't a 'perfect family' was even worse. My husband was not great to start with and was quite tired, negative and stressed by money in those early months, and just didn't do his fair share. He only got going about 18 months in when he started taking my dd1 out by himself and had to get on with it. He then really bonded with the children and has always been very hands-on, but he didn't make that leap immediately.

I also notice you say he shouldn't go for a walk and to a cafe when he looks after his daughter. I think if that's what he wants to do with her, that's fine. Mine always does more outside/going places activities with my children, I do more home-based stuff. I think it's not a good idea if you are trying to get a partner more involved to start criticizing them when they do do stuff.

None of this may apply to you, perhaps it isn't a 'bad patch' and in fact he's a complete idiot and you may not want to stay in a family unit with him. However, sometimes people can behave like complete idiots because they are tired and out of their depth. Don't believe everyone is a model father from day one, because they are not, just as plenty of mums struggle with bonding and don't resemble 'supermum' either.

Alli my undrstanding is that the OP is letting her DH ging out with their dd in a pushchair but would prefer that she was sleeping in her cot (as she sleeps better) and that her DH would then be able to help with the day to day stuff like washing bottles.

I totally agree with you that leaving the dcs with thier dad is a good way to create a bond between the dc and the dad. I would also add that it makes it clearer to the dad how hard it can sometimes be.
And sometimes the reasons of all the difficulties is just that having a yound child can be hard work for everyone concenred.

However it is not acceptable to put someone down (even if you are tired). It is not acceptable to use your partner as an motional ounching ball (problems are never his faults, always something/someone else and he is happy to take his amger on the OP) and all that has to stop (now rather than later!)

My experience is quite negative. Things were hard after dc1 was born. Harder after dc2 was born. I put that all the on the stress and difficluty of bringing 2 dcs close together. 8 years on and we are divorcing as his behaviour never ever improved (actually it got worse as time went on).

I would urge you to go and see a counsellor (either together or on your own) and work out ways to improve. It might be that you are 'just' going through a phase where everyone needs to adapt and grow up (him). You would be able to find some strategies out to avoid being stuck in a rut. Or it could be something else like the fact he will never adapt to being a dad/ is EA/ simply has expectations from life/being a parent that are different from yours that they aren't compatible. But at least you will know where to stand.

Alli just wnated to say. I did struggle a lot with being a mum as I didn't bond with dc1 (has bad PND that went untreated).However I never ever swore to my H, put him down or being dismissive the way the OP's partner is.

Struggling with being a parent (or anything else for that matter) doesn't allow you to behave like a twat.

You have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. You should be bloody proud of yourself!

HE on the other hand should be hanging his head!! You can't fix someone with such a sense of entitlement and I doubt he will change.

It sounds like he wants the status that being a h and father but is too selfish, spoiled and lazy to actually give enough of a shit to make any effort at all.

Yours and your dd's lives will be better for you getting rid of this toxic loser, I promise. Don't waste any more time trying to make it work, you can't make it work by yourself unfortunately.