Help, my relationship is on the brink of falling apart

[NervousNervous]

I've been with my partner for five years, we have children but they don't factor into the reason for the break up, without sounding stupid. I am 27 & he has just turned 30. Just a bit of background...

We argue on a daily basis, over the most ridiculous things. We seem to be in a constant competition with each other, who's the most tired, who does the most house work. Really tedious petty things. I know we've lost respect for each other, him for me more than me for him. I've gained a lot of weight so being honest with myself, I know even though he loves me, he's lost that spark where he finds me physically attractive and I think this contributes to me feeling like he's superior to me so it makes me feel irritated and defensive like I'm not good enough.

I need help & advice because I don't want this to end, I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him but I can't think or see clearly, my head is spinning with it all and I want some complete impartial advice.

Sounds like there's lots of blame in your relationship which is an easy pattern to fall in to after a while together. DH and I were like that last year. We got to a point when we were gunning for each other all the time.
Do you get enough time apart and also enough time together just the two of you? Would you.consider counselling to work out how to move forward?

Could you swallow the sense that you are taking the step alone and cut the cycle of fighting by actively avioding getting in to it with him ?

I think it depends how bad\provocative the fighting is, but in my house we can slip into "constant bicker mode" without noticing till it is too late and then we find it so hard to stop. Never quite sure who started it goes it just rolls on.

If I grit my teeth and just don't give into the urge to have the next\last word, or refuse to rise to the bait I can knock the cycle on the head with three days of massive super effort. Cos that is how long it takes for him to realize there has been a gear change. And if I say I have made a gear change, rather than let the process happen naturally, it ends up with us bickering about who is making more effort ( each for that).

Once the constant sniping stops all the other stuff slips back into a better version of itself.

Would that stand a chance of working, or does it not fit what you two have going on ?

You both make a very good point with the pattern/cycle thing. If he says something, then I have to say something because we're both always right. It's horrible, I'm very stubborn and he is too. He's also very arrogant which inffuriates me. I've thought long and hard about why I want it to work and I love him, we've got a family and all the foundations are there, it tends to be the little, really insignificant things like tidying up after ourselves, how many times I've put the kids to bed this week etc that f's it all up. We rarely have 'alone time' but that's not through circumstances because our children are very young so we have the evenings together. It's got to a stage where even sex feels a bit awkward because we can go months without having sex. (SORRY FOR AIRING ALL DIRTY LAUNDRY) but I am geniunely spinning round & round with this & just want to see it clearly.

Familiarity breeds contempt it always has, you both take each other for granted, and what drew you together in the first place has long gone. You have to respect yourself before you can expect others to respect you, and you do have a low opinion of yourself.

Get yourself to weight watchers and doing things without him, do things for you, find other interests so you have other things to talk about rather than the mundane shit of every day life.

If you want to save this relationship then start now, talk to him see what he wants to do whether it is worth saving or parting, either way you have to know.

It's got to a stage where even sex feels a bit awkward because we can go months without having sex.

I think that is part of the cycle. I don't feel very loving or in the mood to get close and intimate if we have spent weeks peck peck pecking at each other.

Maybe give it a go for a day. Or if that is too long (like it is for me when I decide to cycle break) an hour, or an evening and just build up from there.

I wouldn't expect him to take his cues from you immediately, these things build up, are a bit habit forming and it might take a few days for you to get into a consistent swing of it and him to respond in kind.

Do remember thought, that being the one who chooses unilaterally to stop things in their tracks, doesn't mean it is a "you" problem at the root of it. It takes two to bicker.

Oh and don't make my mistake of rubbing his nose in the fact that I was the one "big enough" to change things five whole minutes after peace is restored, cos that sort of guarentees all the arguing breaking out again IME