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Original poster

When does it cross the line between hospitality and being taken advantage of?

61 replies

SoggyOnion · 31/07/2011 15:17

Relatively new relationship, due to childcare arrangements (mine go to their dad's on a weekend) boyfriend spends a lot on weekends at my house. I'm becomming increasingly aggitated however at the amount of food he eats whist here, especially as he has a full time wage coming in and I'm a full time student.
For instance, he stayed here last night, we went out for the evening but usually if we were staying in he'd make himself some supper using the stuff from my cupboards. This morning he had a cooked breakfast (using 2 eggs, 2 pieces of bacon, cheese and a bread roll) which left me short meaning I had to go out and buy more eggs and more bacon. So whilst around the shop I thought I may as well buy some things in for next week for me and the kids. I picked up some parmaham and he said "oh are we having that for lunch?" so not only am I providing breakfast, I'm also providing lunch everytime he comes down. I said "no, this is for next week" so for lunch he ate a sausage roll that was in the fridge and asked if I was saving my spring onions for anything. I said "Nothing inparticular" so he said "oh I'll have one, infact I'll have 2". Then he wanted a packet of crisps, again from my cupboards and was in the biscuit barrel etc not to mention the drinks he got through (ok only cordial but the amount he drank means I have to buy more of that too).

I don't mind being hospitable and don't begrudge anyone a bloody egg but it's getting to the point where I feel he's taking advantage a bit. I just don't have the money to provide cooked breakfasts and lunches for another adult every weekend like this.

Be honest, is it petty of me to whinge about what he eats?

I said "you can provide the breakfast next week" so he said "oh? ok. I'll get us some toast etc" so I said "Not a cooked breakfast?" and he wasn't very happy, I could tell.

OP posts:
Catslikehats · 31/07/2011 16:14

If he would give you the receipt then get rid.

Meaness is one of the worst traits in a person and life is way to short to bother to try and train someone into generosity (not that it'd be possible, there is no teaching tight people)

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 31/07/2011 16:20

Bloody hell I would dump him right away.

I did think that perhaps he was just a bit thoughtless - if he is not used to watching the pennies then he might not think of the cost of basic items.
But he obviously knows exactly what he is doing, which makes him mean, and rude and disrespectful - because he must know that you as a student have far less money coming in than him who is working full time.

What's he like in the sack OP? IME men who are selfish with money are also selfish in bed.

BertieBotts · 31/07/2011 16:28

No well hang on - in a newish relationship if you're considering "training" someone it's probably a non-starter. Why settle for a "fixer upper" when there's probably someone out there who will be just as nice for none of the trouble?

Columbia999 · 31/07/2011 16:34

I was married to a greedy and mean man, and believe me, they don't change. They get greedier and meaner and cause you lots of embarrassment, when they extend their freeloading ways onto other people.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 31/07/2011 16:47

Just a thought, does he spend a lot of money on petrol to come to your place? How come you don't go to his?

Firsttimer7259 · 31/07/2011 17:01

I'm sorry but I disagree. If he's at your place early on in a relationship then you are hosting him. If you are a guest you dont expect to contribute towards the cost as a starting position. OK it would be charming if he would bring a lovely treat with him to spoil you. Ideally something with a bit of romance eg croissants for breakfast or lovely ripe strawberries for dessert. But thats excellent manners and not a basic expectation.

I see the problem more as you having an imbalance in your hosting. Why don't you go to his? If it was more equal there'd be no issue in him eating things at yours or? Also he cooks for himself when he comes over - dont you make dinner?? Ie its your house I would have expected either you make dinner for him or you both cook together and then eat together. From your post it sounds like he's cooking for himself in your home???
If you cant share the hosting equally (or more roughly equally) then you need to ahve a word with him about the cost and about your budget. He may not have realised that he's putting you out if his budget is bigger. Just lay out clearly what you expect, if he then wriggles out of that you have a problem but right now it sounds to me more like he's made himself comfortable (as you have encouraged him to by having him stay at yours repeatedly) and now your pissed at him about it.

PS: making you pay for the coffee and tea he picked up for you is borderline raher than awful. It would ahve been nice and generous if he'd said hey no worries. But this was him doing a bit of your shopping so...not great but not outrageous.

BertieBotts · 31/07/2011 17:06

The OP said at 15:57 that they haven't met each others' children yet, and his teenage DC are home at weekends so she can't go to his. I'm assuming her kids are too young to leave home alone as well.

Sidge · 31/07/2011 17:12

I'm all for being thrifty and paying my own way but he sounds tighter than an ant's arsehole.

Surely this needs a bit of give and take? Because if he's spending all and every weekend at yours he's also probably bumping up your fuel bills showering etc, and saving money by not eating at home, so it wouldn't hurt him to chip in for groceries at yours.

I'd be laying it on the line if I were in this situation.

buzzsore · 31/07/2011 17:25

That he'd ask you for the £3 for the coffee makes him tight. That he buys soft drinks when it's his round makes him tighter. He ought to bring round the stuff for a fried breakfast once in a while, that he suggested he'd do toast next time, makes him super-tight.

Someone who's that miserly in the beginning of a relationship - god, can you imagine him getting the phone bills itemised and crossing off the calls he made - and moaning that you always leave more lights on than him and such? Nope. I'd get rid before you get in too deep.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 31/07/2011 17:26

We all have different tolerance levels. All I will say to you is this:
you are in the honeymoon period of the relationship, where people are keen to show their best qualities. He isn't going to become more generous as time goes on.

SingOut · 31/07/2011 17:31

Grin Have to laugh at your examples buzzsore, as that was exactly what XP was like! He got worse at worse and he was pretty tight to start with.
There is an imbalance in the hosting, but the fact that he isn't that bothered about evening things up shows that he is tight and he's not bothered about it.

Firsttimer7259 · 31/07/2011 17:36

OK so why did he buy cokes and you buy beers? I assume you asked each other what you wanted to drink before you bought a round. In whcih case he just happened to get the cheap round...whether he should therefore get the next round instead of alternating rounds is debatable not automatically tight.

Yes if he is tight you are best rid, but at the mo its really the other posters on here that are coming off as tight imo!!! Dons hard hat

DaisySteiner · 31/07/2011 17:40

If he feels at home enough to help himself to food then he's not a proper 'guest' and he needs to be contributing with cash or going out and buying food for everyone once in a while.

adamschic · 31/07/2011 17:46

Nothing worse though than feeling someone is sponging off you. When it becomes irritating it's time to review if this is the person for you.

Re the coke round, did you ask for coke, if so then it's reasonable for him to buy it.

That stand for men aswell as women about being tight and taking the piss about sharing costs.

crispyseaweed · 31/07/2011 17:50

Cheeky sod, he is taking the piss. put your foot down!!

Ripeberry · 31/07/2011 17:56

God what a tight person. Imagine what Xmas would be like! He might start buying nicer stuff for his kids and xtra cheap stuff for your kids.

If this is his best side, I would hate to know what his bad qualities are Shock

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 31/07/2011 18:00

What adamschic said. It's not as though OP is expecting to be wined and dined here! Just not wanting to be eaten out of house and home by a sponger.

Firsttimer7259 · 31/07/2011 18:06

OK am struggling to get this. Did he eat all the eggs and bacon and not leave you with any for your own breakfast? Or maybe you went to supermarket together aand after a few weekends of you hosting him he didnt use that occassion to put his hand in his pocket....
Otherwise: the guy ate stuff while he was at your house. Ermmm.. am I really the only person who sees that as normal? I would be offended if someone came to my house and offered me cash for the food I provide. I am not a B&B. I do expect them then to pick up a bill elsewhere or to invite me to theirs. If money is tight then I would discuss and come up with a suitable plan to share costs but thats not a starting position.

Tenacity · 31/07/2011 18:26

OP you need to be honest with him.

Tell him things are unequal, and you are feeling the pinch, and need to share equally on meals too.

His reaction to this will tell you all you need to know.

BertieBotts · 31/07/2011 18:51

Firsttimer, yes but OP has said money is tight, and now she's asked him to contribute he's acting off about it.

Firsttimer7259 · 31/07/2011 19:01

Actually I dont think thats clear yet. She asked him to provide breakfast and he sounded a bit clueless 'toast etc' It will depend what his 'etc' turns out to be. If he pitches up with some sliced bread and owt else show him the door. But he may very well not.

On splitting the drinks bill. You could see the discussion after she suggests he buys round three in two ways: The one is that he is pissed at having to pay more. The other is that he then realises shes keen for the bill to be evenly split so he suggests the most even way to split the bill (namely run up a tab and go halfsies)

Its not the most generous behaviour so far and if its already making her uncomfortable then maybe he is not the guy for her. BUT everyone is posting like he's been heinously tight and I dont really see any evidence of that. Yes there are some occasions where I would like to go out with someone who behaved differently. But I do think the key thing here is how does he act when she tells him straight. If he wriggles then - yep nasty tightwad. But right now I think its still open

Firsttimer7259 · 31/07/2011 19:04

He may well have thought shes really tight comparing the cost of rounds like that, so I better make sure we get it exactly half! You just dont know on the basis of whats written here.

buzzsore · 31/07/2011 19:15

I think if he's helping himself out of her fridge and making himself meals, he's gone beyond normal guest & host bounds. I'd expect a guest to ask before they had a good old rummage and helped themselves, or suggest we buy in a takeaway, or wait for me to make them something. It sounds like he's making himself food and not making her any - she specifies how many eggs etc he used for his cooked breakfast and it doesn't sound to me like it was a meal for two. And that's pretty weird and mean, if he did just make it it just for himself.

He's acting more like he lives there, imo, and therefore he should bring a bag of shopping from time to time.

deste · 31/07/2011 21:01

I wouldn't even try to fix him. He will never change. Just get rid, life is too short for this carry on.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 01/08/2011 15:32

I think you need to be very frank with him . . .

"You are obviously very tight with yout money, don't even bother trying to deny it or argue about it, it's very clear. It's not acceptable to me so either change your ways or we're over. I can't afford to feed you any more so you can save money and I do not intend to do so. The rest is up to you".

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