H has left my out of the blue after 20 years. I am so sad. Any advice?

[Eider]

Hello. I have just joined MN to try and see if anyone has any advice for what I am going through to try and shake me out of my desperation. I see I am not alone. I read posts from drfayray and it so rang an accord. So happily talk to other in the same boat.
I have been married for nearly 20 years ( anniversary tomorrow!) and three weeks ago H left me out of the blue for another W. Leaving me with the 2 kids fortunately not young -17 and 14. We have been growing apart for a number of years.. he spends a lot of time on the internet and is always up to 2-4am and if he were allowed, would not get up to 1pm.
He has hated his job in secondary school teaching ,which I am sure many of you understand, but has done nothing to try and look for something else and increasingly he has been taking time off sick. I was aware that our relationship was not going too well- he just did not seem to want to be in my company much.
I have always been the one with the stable income having worked my way up the local government tree since I was 21. We are both 52. H only started bring in any salary when he was 37.
I asked him to go to counselling last summer with me but he found the process difficult to engage in and he is such a poor communicator. I suppose it became a vicious circle: the more he stopped communicating, the less I tried. I still love him though. Sadly though he also stopped engaging with the kids and hardly ever speaks to DS, which I have been finding very difficult.
He had started to go away for weekend for walks in the lake district etc which I was pleased to see him get out. He said he wanted to have some time on his own.
Any way, three weeks ago on a Friday as he was going away for the weekend to his electronic music group he texted me to say he has had enough and he was going to resign his job today. I left messages all weekend for him to phone me.
He came back yesterday late the Sunday and I tried to talk to him to see what he wanted to do. In short, it came out that he no longer loved me and that he was in a relationship and had been for a while with a women who lives some 60 miles away he had meet on the internet (they have Backgammon in common and much else apparently). He said he loved her. I am devastated. I asked him to see if we could try and work it through and he said no if it meant him stopping seeing this woman. After my crying a lot, he left.
He said he was not going to tell me because he wanted to keep stability for the kids! He kept saying it was up to me, so eventually it forced me to say this was intolerable, which was quite clever really. So from his perspective he did not walk out- I chucked him out. I wanted him to stay and try again, but he said he was not prepared to stop seeing his woman (I do not even know her name). I was content for him to stay to the weekend. Then DD then said she did not want him in the house and he left. He now claims I have turned the kids against him which is very cruel and so not true. DD and I have talked about him many of times on our trips out together over the past year - and it was in concerned terms worried about him. Why was never "with" us? He used to speak to DD a lot but that too has been fizzling out over the last three years and as I say, he never speaks to DS: he does not even like DS, he has told me as much, who is a very shy introverted lad. In a way, looking back over the past months- I should have seen it coming. DD guessed he was having an affair, whilst I said to her that I did not think so
It now admits in a text that he should never have taken up teaching. He has said in a text that after a week of battling with other people's children, he did not feel like engaging with ours.
I thought I was helping him through his depression by trying to keep the home together. But it seems I was not showing him enough affection; but he has been so distance over the last couple of years. It now appears he has built up billions of internet friends over the many, many days he has had off sick from work and in staying up late. I have no friends really- family long dead.
I have done all those things I now hear other women do. I have texted him to say how I missed him. I love him. I begged him to see me /to see a Counsellor with me. To try and sort things. He texted me, refused point blank as there could be no possibility of "us" (his quote marks) being repaired and the meeting could only be in terms of untangling out lives.
He went on to say I had starved him of affection every since DD was born 17 years ago (eh? really horrible and so not true) and how dare I involve his mother (I did not she phoned up and I told her he had left me) Apparently, I should have told her he was out! I had burnt his bridges and how could our relationship recover from that.
I phoned him (I know really stupid) and he was utterly horrible and dragged out what seemed to be a catalogue of my failings going back to our courting days. How one trip, in what must have been 1991 he tried to hold my hand and apparently I pushed him away. I have no memory of this. How he should never have married me. I was cold etc etc. Horrible, horrible stuff. I asked him why he had not communicated then how we felt with me years ago. Later when I said I had tried to be strong for the kids, -this turned out to be another one of my failings, that I should have given our marriage more attention. It was a man talking that was not the husband I thought I knew; he was incredibly cold and unemotional and I found it scary. In short he wants a divorce.
I cried and cried Wednesday night. But I will not contact him now.
If I look at it he has thrown away all his responsibilities: chucked in his job, new woman, new home (he is living with her but I do not know where), new life. I understand they are off in Dublin this weekend (and there was me thinking he going to go there by himself!) So that must all be exciting for him.
I think it is the fear of the unknown and the total shock of it and a huge feeling of isolation/ being suddenly alone that I am finding so frightening. Each morning I wake up with intense anxiety, physically trembling.
But I get up and have been going to work.- plenty of crap there. Christ. But better than sitting at home crying all the time. I have been doing enough of that as it is.
Summer hols so kids now off school. So I try and get home by half 5 etc etc. Be cheerful around them.
But I am seeing a counsellor -second time Friday and he is really good and getting me to try not to be so negative. To stop beating myself up. It takes two. To stop my "if only" inner talk. To start looking after myself. So I am feeling a bit better today. Though V tired. I have lost half a stone in two weeks. I do need to be careful. I must not become a victim. Sorry to have gone on and on.
Any one out there? I feel v lonely. I would like to hear from women who are going/ gone through this to offer mutual support.
I must count my blessings though. I have good health, fit, two lovely children and a job (for the moment).
xxxxxx

hi eider good to hear from you, you sound like you are coping well.

yes going on the holidday would be a really good thing for you to do.

can i just ask though, why do you not think he should get half? surely if you are married everything you have is equal?

so until you divorce the arsehole, he is entitled to half

or am i missing something?

was he a sahd?

Eider
Lets support each other . I see you have a holiday booked. Go and try to enjoy the space away from your H. I went on holiday last month without my H - a holiday that he was supposed to go on. I was lucky my oldest daughter came with me and my 2 DC's . I felt the time apart was helpful I feel stronger = you will too but it takes time. We're all in the same boat Dr Fay . Annie xx we will get through this !!!

Saffysmum
I've followed your thread I'm so impressed on how strong you have become.
Well Done and keep strong xx

Hi there
The more I hear of men (sorry!) dumping their wives at my age the less it ceases to amaze me.

I saw H yesterday the first time in nearly a month- longest ever we have been apart for 20 years.. first time for nearly a month to start in his words ?untangling out lives?. Boy was I nervous. This will make you laugh. I am a mug or what. H looked very well bronzed and healthy. It turns out he has been busy redoing OW's garden- laying pavements etc. Doing all her jobs around the house! You would be proud of me I did not cry and kept calm, civil even and did not get bullied into anything, but gee was I nervous before hand. He seems utterly unconcerned as to the affect all this has had on me and the kids.
No more work for a week and a half .Yippee! Am I knackered.. But I do feel sad today, I guess I have had the distractions of work to an extent. So not the man I thought I was married to. I noticed he had already taken off his wedding ring. It is the sudden isolation that really bothers me. Kids gone to bed and the house is so still. Odd things is I do quite like being on my own at times. Big Brother would be the epitome of hell for me.
I love listening to the rain... I was up at 4am too with a cat purring and the rain falling.
I will take the kids on the holiday to Pembrokeshire this saturday I have decided. But it will be strange. Thinking of you others out there.
Thanks for the posts they really do help xxx

Eider - you did so well not to breakdown at the meeting. Well done you! He may look well now, but that's because he's still caught up in the "honeymoon" period with OW. This will change as reality sinks in and the full impact of what he's lost hits him like a ton of bricks. By then, you will be the one on the up! Promise.

Have a great holiday with the kids, you all deserve it. Keep posting X

steelchic - thank you for your kind words.

Eider I know several friends who have found themselves in your position and they have ALL come out the other end far happier than before.
It is incredibly stressful for the whole family to be living a lie. The one good thing to have happened recently is that the truth is now out.

At least he is not spinning you a line about needing to be alone and stuff. He has at least been honest about the third party, eventually.
It is also perfectly possible to divorce amicably ( even if it's only on the surface ) without getting into the realms of solicitors ripping each of you apart on the others behalf. Do not assume he will be out to take you to the cleaners. If you can remain calm and appeal to his reasonable side you may be able to hold on to most of your assets.
Is the house jointly owned for instance? You mentioned you had your own
House before you met. Do you want to stay innthe house with your children? Do you have joint savings? You might be able to get in first with an offer to him - you get the house and keep your pension , he gets half the savings , and you agree to make no financial claim
On him
To support you and the children. He avoids legal fees and gets "off the hook" cleanly. Think
About it and good luck

Hi all
I am afraid the holiday was very difficult- we all missed H so much. We had some good day and I tried so hard, but we came back a few days early in the end.
I thought it might get easier but I am finding it increasing difficult to cope and whereas before I managed to avoid crying in front of the kids I sometimes now cannot help myself and I think I must be scaring them.
H came yesterday to take some of treasures really all his electronics stuff, his tool kit. When I helped him carry a heavy piece down the stairs and asked him how he would manage to other end, it transpired OW has a teenage daughter such a year older than our 17 DD, which really hurt me. He seemed so happy. He has his new family- OW has an engineering background and they are so compatible, he tells me. I begged him to reconsider, but he will not.
I am at my wits end and feel I am sliding into a dark abyss which I cannot seem to get out of. I want him back so much. He is part of me. I do not have any friends to help as my life here revolved around keeping the kids and working- he has been depressed for three years or so and clearly I was not there enough for him, (I now see that- but he never told me how he felt ?I guess because he was so depressed) so that is why so he says he had to seek a relationship elsewhere. I am 52 this week and feel so lonely. I would do anything to have him back yet. My DD thinks I am an idiot and I should just get over it, but that so, as this point, seems easier said than done.
Sorry to sound so self pitying, I am just trembling so much with the anxiety.

Oh Eider, love...I am so sorry you are going through this pain. I do understand, I really do. I cry in front of the kids. I feel bad about it but you know, they can cope with it. Mine are very understanding and my DD in particular is very kind, often soothing me with pats and kisses. She is 13.

You have to grieve. This is what my psychologist told me. My doctor recommended me to see one. Have you been to see your GP? You should. Mine is very good and just telling someone was so helpful. Someone professional I mean. It is like a death; well it is. A death of a long marriage. It has taken me since January to reach this place where I have more good days than bad. Although I still get hit very badly.

I am sorry you do not have anyone to confide in. Use MN. It has been my lifeline. Read Saffysmum and Before and After's threads. They are inspiring. Read mine too; I am trying to chart my journery through the wreck of my marriage.

You need to accept that it hurts, and that you will feel terrible. I do. I still cannot believe this is happening to me.

Your H sounds like a bastard. I am sorry but it sounds like he is boasting about his new family. And really you should not have helped him move. I wouldn't have. But I am petty like that.

There were days when I trembled with anxiety too. Spent all day in bed. Spent all day and all night in tears. Terrible. I had a cry the other night but I use techniques that my psychologist taught me and that helped so much.

I really think that helped me so much. Getting professional help.

Please post regularly. I do. I know that I write drivel sometimes but it helps ME. And I will check in on you so you are not alone, Eider.

XXXX
Take care.

Im so sorry you are feeling so low, we are here when you need us, just vent out your feelings on here if it helps. just know you are not alone, others are also going through the same thing. im not surprised you feel the way you do, please go to your gp so they can help you with the anxiety. sending you huge hugs, wish i could take away the pain x

It is still early days for you.

You probably think that your life is over and nothing exciting will ever happen to you.

I would avoid meeting him at all.

Hi Eider - Me too, same situation. A stranger, drifting apart but never thinking that it was over. One year ago, he told me he didn't love me anymore, and now one month ago, that it's definitely divorce. Three DD's very young 13,11, 5. I'm 48 and he's 51, he's on second marriage. Now realise that break up of first marriage was similar thing....just couldn't handle the pressure and wasn't getting enough admiration....

Anyway, I'm only just a tad bit further than you, because even though it's been a year, it's been a tortuous process and now we're waiting for another year to begin divorce proceedings. Long story...

All I can say is that this is a time to live day to day. Manage what you can manage and feel proud of that. Don't worry about what you can't manage. I agree with others to keep contact to a minimum, just so that you can get your head (and heart) healing... I'm still ridiculously hopeful that he'll change his mind, cuz I really don't want to end this and feel we can work it out, but I'm getting loads of MN telling me to read the writing on the wall. Tough. But MN is a great source of GF who give you stuff to think about.

About RL GF, well I never really invested in my GF here. Have loads of great acquaintances but I never really took it any further. Well, I chose 5 women who I particularly like and TRUSTED and poured my guts out. I wish I had done that so long ago. I don't know why I didn't do that sooner , rely on GF when things were bad with GG (Global Guy, my H). Spreading it across five means that it's not such a burden on any one GF and you don't have to keep too many GF updated, cuz that gets difficult too. Some days you just don't feel like talking or thinking about it at all.

Good luck and keep posting.

Oh, and I have definitely cried in front of DC's. My shrink says there is nothing wrong with that...you wouldn't want your DC's to think that marriage was trivial and that one partner can just walk away and it not affect the other. NO. Your crying is because you ARE grieving your marriage...and don't forget, your children will grieve too, at different paces than you, but still they will.

Just as a reality check...it's also time for me now to STOP crying and show my young children that I am not going to leave and I will be here for them. To show that I can face the difficulties. So now, my grieving is more private...but for you, I wouldn't worry about showing your DC's that you're sad. It's allowing them to be sad and communicate to you. Sorry for the extra post, just ended up reading further down the thread!

Hi Eider, Thought I'd check in to see how you are doing, I haven't been on MN for the last week. Just found out last week my H has bought a house with the OW and guess what suprise suprise she's pregnant. He hasn't had the guts to tell me this as usual I had to force the truth out of him - I just new there was something massive he was keeping from me . I was starting to feel stronger but this has hit me hard I have been physically sick cos of this but he wants us to be friends !!!!.
Anyway just to say sorry your having a bad time, but I guess we will all have our ups and downs sometimes it feels like one step forward two steps back but hopefully with each others support we'll get through it.
Thinking of you take care xx

Hi Eider

Are you feeling a bit more together today? I assume you're back at work today so maybe that's a good thing as you'll have something different to focus on. I must admit when I was in the eye of storm I found it hard to focus on anything, irrespective of where I was. The first people I told of my ?difficulties? (this was when I was still thinking we were repairable) was work. I told my boss, HR and my direct reports. I cannot tell you how supportive they were and they totally respected my confidence. A couple of close colleagues also turned into my ?therapists? and, do you know, two of them had been in this exact same position so totally knew the place I was in. So if you haven?t already, do tell those you work closely with.

So your H has morphed from the man you knew into a total arse and a stranger to boot. Mine followed the same script I?m sorry to say. It's uncanny how predictable these unfaithful toe-rags are - once you know the script yourself. My H has been busy re-writing the history of our relationship right down to the pettiest of details. For someone who could never remember to do x or y he suddenly remembered how something I did burst his bubble 12 years ago ... so I know exactly how you feel.

You've had a big wobble due to the holiday and that does happen. I think were incredibly gutsy to go on holiday, so give yourself a pat on the back for that. I?m not sure I could have found that courage in your shoes.

The best advice I had from MN was to take each day as it comes, roll with the punches and not try to fight the lows. I have two types of lows and I actually now recognise them. I have the lows where I can fight through and good music, good wine, good friends and MN will get me through and then I have the hide-under-the-duvet lows. When I get those I do just that. I stay in bed, I cry and howl and I find that this gets it out my system. I do all of that with the knowledge that that moment of pain and blackness will pass, which does help, as odd that sounds, so sit down, howl, hug your kids and cry together but know that it is just a moment in time that will pass.

I agree with everyone who?s posted about finding a solicitor and getting galvanised on the practical stuff but maybe that?s a little too early for you. Only you will know when the timing is right, when you?re ready to admit to yourself that it?s all over between you and H. I had to go through a process, you know, to be satisfied that I?d done everything in my power to stop my marriage breaking down and then one day, everything clicked into place and I knew I was ready to go. Just like you my H made me push the ?leave now? button, except it was me that left the family home rather than him. That was my choice because it works best for me but in H?s mind (and I?m sure OW?s warped conscience) it was me that left an irretrievably broken marriage. Perhaps for now, you can look up solicitors on the internet, ready to ring them when you?re having a good day.

Find the little things that pick you up and think of these as a little tool kit for those bleak times. It could be anything from a bubble bath, to painting your toes (he?s not around to moan about the smell of nail varnish), to drinking a glass of bubbly. Who cares, it's about you now (and the DCs) but you need to find the old pre-H Eider. I bet she's in there just lurking under the surface. If something makes you feel good, and your DCs see you getting stronger and being positive about life, then that?s a good thing. I think that the best example you can give to your DCs is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and put one step in front another.

Keep telling yourself that you are walking to somewhere new and better and let the DCs share in that journey. They will be better adults for seeing that you don?t have to settle for a mediocre marriage that?s OK, an H that only pleases himself, an H that doesn?t like working. I am sure that you don't want your DD to subjugate herself for a non-committed H and you don't want your DS to think it's fine to be a lying arse when he's in a relationship so if you are struggling to do something for yourself on some days, do it for them.

Be strong; easier said than done, I know. We?re all here for you Eider.

xx

Dear All
You have so been kind. I have had a really shit week.
I met H last Wed in a pub, as he had a dental appt. I told him how much I missed him- which I do- the holiday had been difficult and I was worried I was now crying so much in front of the kids which I was so trying not to do. We agreed to meet again to go through my list, his list on where we went from here. I left him to fix a date- we would meet in a pub/cafe somewhere.
Then the following day I get a panicky call from DD- that dad had suddenly come home with all his stuff out of the blue last Tuesday. At first I thought he had just come back with to dump back his electronics stuff but then when I got home from work, I could not get any sense out of him- he seemed V tired had been up talking to other woman until 5am. He eventually claimed that I had said the children needed him so he had come home for them not me! DD certainly did not want him home and told him as much. Of course he still wanted to continue seeing his other woman but apparently she did not want him in her ?space?- it was moving too fast for her.! Whilst I was prepared to try again with our marriage he clearly was not. And once again he said some really horrible things which reduced me to tears- again that it all stemmed back to me and every time I tried to counter it by illustrating his bad behaviour he would simply bring that back again that it was a response to mime. I need to try really hard to stay positive for the kids. DD has been fantastic and very supportive in her own sweet way. I do worry about DSthough- he is very withdrawn. H stopped engaging with them 3-4 years ago so in reality, apart from me sobbing a bit too much in front of them of late, they have not noticed any difference. DD told me in no uncertain terms she wants him out of her life.

So I told him to either go back to her or find a flat in the next two days. He went to see her yesterday all day even though it is my birthday, and has not come back. He did not even give me a card, which I thought was quite shitty. His presence makes me upset and the kids so tense. So in short he has left me with no choice but to agree to a separation as he clearly loves his new women. I have to say he has behaved appalling badly to me and the kids these past 6 weeks, and find it so hard to believe the man I thought I knew could be so unkind, cruel even, but I must, must move on, but I am finding it so difficult.
The trouble is I miss him so much. I want him here so much, but then I think I want the husband that loved me and he is so suddenly not that person any more. I cannot seem to get him out of my system. I should be really angry but instead I feel so desperate and bereft. I feel so alone. I am heartbroken, the pain is eating me and I am so low. I have no family nor any friends really as my life revolved around the family and work. I have been on anti depressants for a while anyway, so I do not want to take anymore. I saw a GP who simply gave me sleeping pills!
Could you give me some advice please on how to get through this? The anxiety is so intense. I must not have a breakdown. EiderXX

Hi Eider, I am so sorry you are feeling this way but I do understand. I really do. It just sucks doesn't it.

I have been having some wobbles myself. My so called H has just fucked off to England to see his parents and family and he did not even come back to say goodbye to the children. Then he cuts me off the credit card so I have awful phone calls to say that my card is no longer valid. I cannot even top up my daughter's phone as he has taken away the card. WHy? I do not know.

He refuses to answer texts and phone calls. He is acting like the sod he is. I tell you I do not love him anymore. But I do want him out of my life.

I had a big cry in front of DD who is just amazing. In fact she told me she thought I was amazing! I am holding onto my darling darling children who love me as I love them. As DD said we need for him to go with all his stuff. She wants me to move house when our lease runs out in Mar next year. A fresh start she said. The house we own in another state would have been sold by then and I should have some money.

I guess this is not helping you but really to say that it is horrible. But I think the only way is to just go through it. DD said to me, you are going through a very rough patch mum, but you will get through this. She is just wonderful, that child. DS doesn't say as much but has been his own funny sweet self. We have had some nice times together in the evening. Managing to laugh a fair bit. You need to get some help. I see a psychologist (I think I mentioned this before) that was recommended by my doctor. That helps me so much.

I am sorry that you do not have many friends. I am very fortunate in that I have a fair number of lovely kind friends who have been so helpful to me. Holding my hand when I needed it. Are you sure there is no one you can turn to? You will be surprised at how very kind and supportive people are. I have had nothing but kindness. And tell people. I told my boss at my new job and he was just so lovely. It is important that people around you are aware of your situation. It can only help.

Keep posting here, Eider. We can help each other through all of this pain.

And B&A is right. She is very wise and gives very good advice. These men are all the same. Toe-rags!

Oh Eider, I'm so sorry to hear all this. Just found this thread.
I see that Saffy has posted on here. Take a look at her thread (warning: it's long!) and you might be cheered by her funny outlook towards her now-exH who morphed into a stranger as yours has. She has wonderful teens as you do, and I think has drawn great strength from them.
Un-MN-type hugs to you!

Hi there, on reading your post I can sympathise with you having gone through similar situation along time ago and raising my kid on my own, You sound like you ahve always been the strong one , you had the house and the job and still do , be kind to yourself you will get through this, you are being stron right now.
But take heed and protect yourself good idea to see lawyer so as they will keep you right and what your entitlements are. there is no words to help you take away your pain and i amdeeply sorry for what he has done to you and your kids, he will regret this i know , maybe not know but in the future
The old saying what goes around comes around is so true in your situation take care of you and your family.

You miss what he was years ago not what he is now. By the sounds of it he is a complete miserable bastard and the way he treats your son is a fcking disgrace.

Stop being weak and start standing up for yourself. There are better men than this loser in the world and as one door closes another one could open. The thought of being on your own is often worse than the reality.

Its time to take stock of your life, relish the life and relationship you have with your children. Enjoy and get stuck into your work and make efforts to start socialising again.

By the sounds of it this relationship was dead years ago.

Just re read last post and it sounds very unsympathetic. I do sympathise greatly with you but have none for him.

Eider I am so sorry that your H has been a totally selfish jerk. What a shit. You need to turn and look in a different direction now I?m afraid. Right now you are looking at the past. You are looking at how your H used to be and how you and your H were together during happier times. You must stop this. You must look at the future now. The future, as much as it hurts, is Eider, DD and DS and you really need to start to accept this which I think you have as you have already posted some positive words (yes, really!).

So I told him to either go back to her or find a flat in the next two days. Bravo Eider. You found the strength to say this to your H when every pore wanted you to beg him to stay, but you didn?t. Think about that. Your words show that you ARE strong, that you can keep going and do the right thing for you and your DCs.

His presence makes me upset and the kids so tense. Think about this and remember it. Your H does not make you feel good anymore, that is so very sad, but it?s a cruel hard fact and you need to believe it, even if you can say it.

he has left me with no choice but to agree to a separation. Yep. Been there, done that one. The majority of stories I have read on MN are testimony to the fact this is part of the script. These H?s have balls big enough to screw around and lie to their DCs and Ws but very few of them have the balls to leave a marriage with any decency. We?re back on that script Eider, sorry but we are.

Think about work. You sound so kind and loving that I don?t believe that you haven?t made friends at work. Do tell people at work. If you are not working at your usual standard (I couldn?t) then you should tell your boss. Do you feel that this is something you can do? I am sure you will be so amazed at the kindness s/he shows you that you will start to feel more confident. Summon the courage that let you take the DCs on holiday on your own and tell someone at work.

There?s no easy trick to getting through this. Tell people, cry and accept that your H is no longer the man you married which from what you've written you're already realising.

Read WisedUpWoman?s threads. You?ll need to go back to her first thread to get the bit that will help you at the moment which is here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1196940-Divorce-papers-served-have-I-done-the-right-thing?pg=1

Read Saffysmum?s thread too.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1192165-After-22-years-he-wants-out-How-do-me-and-kids-cope-with-this

And if you haven't already, read DrFayRay's thread. Her alphabet guide to shit H's is a joy to read!

So what were the little things I did to get through the hideous bleak stage you?re in?

I spent 3 hours at a day spa! When the aromatherapist asked me how I was feeling (to identify the essential oils I would like) I started crying and didn?t stop and cried my way through the aromatherapy massage. The bewildered masseuse was brilliant, despite that.

I wrote and wrote and wrote. Actually, I scrawled and scrawled and scrawled. Pen and pad by the bed I wrote frantic bile on paper through the wee hours. I kept them to read (where vaguely legible) and I?ve now thrown them away. I don?t need those vile thoughts anymore. I thought the blackest most evil thoughts going. I enacted horror movies in my head, all involving OW. That was during March, April, May and June. Do you know, I now think of OW and I don?t care, she?s welcome to him and she can watch him grow old and change his incontinence pads . I think of H now and the words that keep coming are: ?what a waste? because I know he?ll wake up and do the same thing again in a few years? time but only with the aid of Viagra by then!

I accepted that I had to go through the black tunnel to get to the light. I often felt like I was having an out-of-body experience, looking down on the broken me and telling me that I would get through this and that once I?d hit the bottom I could go up.

I read all of the relevant threads on MN. I lived on my nightly read of Solost, Wisedupwoman and Saffysmum. I started reading MN in March and I lurked through April, May and June, only posting for the first time in July, once I?d left my H (who, per the script, was going nowhere under his own volition).

In the day after Discovery (about H?s affair) I bought books about surviving affairs. I read those books and educated myself about what H has done.

The week after Discovery I saw a solicitor. I did nothing, just saw her, talked to her (through tears galore) and took advice (for free) and educated myself on where I stood.

The day after Discovery I took H off of my life insurance at work and made my DSDs my beneficiaries (I was not going to have OW benefit from my death if I fell under a bus the next day!). Even during my attempts at reconciliation (and they were MY attempts not ?his? or ?ours?) I never wavered on this. I figured I could quietly put it all back to how it was without him knowing IF it worked out.

I bought one beautiful notebook where I have written all the things that the old me wanted to do but never did because I was too busy looking after H or being near H.

I bought a refill for my old filofax that was lying unused and I decided to fill it with things to do. I make sure that I?m doing something I like or need to do: either pilates, or sorting out stuff for my flat, sorting out my paperwork, all written down in my filofax to make sure it gets done and that I move forward. If I think of something I need to do I whip out the filofax from my handbag and write it down, even if I?m on the tube.

If I think of a dream I want to fulfil I write it in my beautiful notebook. They don?t need to be big dreams. My beautiful notepad has things like: book a flower arranging course; book a breadmaking weekend; research a motorbike training course; get a tattoo (still not sure about that one ...); go to the cinema and theatre alone (character building ...); join a social website (I?ve done that one now).

Whenever I had to change my password on a gizmo I changed it to a divorce related word. I?m currently on ?decreenisi?. It?s my subliminal tactic, if i repeat these words often enough then it all becomes real.

Music heals. I listened to music that cheered me up. I listened to music to cry along to. I went with my mood.

I have a therapist now. I see him once a week and he really makes me think. He's very perceptive and despite being sceptical about going I'm glad I did.

Eider if just one of these ideas inspires you then that?s good. I think you?ve hit the bottom because you recognise that H is being cruel and is not the man you married so it?s up to you to kick yourself off of the bottom so you can get back up to the light. If you need to take the ADs then take them. I?ve read about plenty of MNers who took these through their bleak times so don?t be ashamed of that.

In the words of so many MNers out there, you need to detach, detach, detach. Easier said than done but it works.

One last thing, don't lose your sense of humour, it's without doubt the best bit on MN. Right in the middle of all that heartache, pow, a stinger of a one-liner which cheers everyone up. Take care and be strong. xx

B and A, what a wonderfully inspiring post x

Eider, I am so sorry this happened to you. You will be ok. Because what is the alternative ? All the best x

Eider, just swinging by to see if you're OK. Post when you're ready and let us know how you're doing. xx

Thank you AF. Your kind words are appreciated.

Dear all
What wonderful inspiring posts and such kind words. H has left now for good- he is living with OW and her children -god does that hurt, particularly as he thinks he has done nothing really wrong- that he was so unhappy including being with me and now it is his turn to be happy. But in the process he has made me so miserble and isolated. Still you are right about kicking off from the bottom to the light BEFOREANDAFTER- I have a choice either to let it kill me or survive- I read somewhere that the best vengence is to live a good life, but it is hard and I am frightened.
I will post more tomorrow.
Love to you all.XXXXX