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how selfish am i?

6 replies

irismaria · 01/12/2005 13:54

when i was about 30 weeks pregnant i accidently found out my partner had been calling a sex line whilst i was on a night shift, i confronted him about it and he apologised and said it was a one of. however when the mobile phone bill arrived the same number was on there a few times from a different date (this day i was on a late shift) when i asked about that he got a bit angry (like why do you keep bringing that up, will you never let it go etc etc.but never actually explained why the number was there)he then changed both the main and mobile phone accounts to online ones and put then in his name on the pre text that i could access the phone line details whenever i wanted if i felt so insecure.... he unfortunatly failed to give me the right pass word. i am a complete prude and hate even soft porn (it just is not for me) and he is aware of that, so having 'telephone sex' with a complete stranger amounts to in my mind as having an affair and dirty old man in raincoat stuff. if i had not have been pregnant i would have left there and then, now one baby and 9 months later i still cant get it out of my head, it still disgusts me, i still have not had sex with him and i really feel that we should call it a day..... he does on the other hand adore his son and it would devestate him if we split.
am i totally over reacting and being completely selfish?

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 01/12/2005 13:56

It's understandable that you feel betrayed. I wouldn't be comfortable with my DH calling a sex line, although I think I would be ok about porn. Do you know, now, that he isn't doing this (or anything similar) any more?

Have you considered any sort of counselling, Relate, whatever, to help you get past this?

peachandpear · 01/12/2005 14:03

I found out my DH had secretly been into porn when DS1 was 13 months old. I was very upset so I can relate to how you feel about him calling a sexline. I felt betrayed and it made sex feel horrible and dirty. It was also the secrecy that really upset me. He was angry at first about my reaction, but then sorry he had upset me so much. We went to marriage counselling and that REALLY helped. He was able to discover the reason for his need for porn and with help we were able to sort the problem out. Other stuff came up too which we were able to deal with. We are fine now. In fact, our marriage probably works better because of the things we learnt through the counselling. Things got sorted so well though because DH was willing to acknowledge it was a problem for me (and him!). Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? He probably has no idea about how much it has affected you.

riab · 01/12/2005 14:14

"i still have not had sex with him"

this is never a good sign in a relationship. If he disgusts you that much then to be fair to both of you you should access counselling but recognise you may need to call it a day.

irismaria · 01/12/2005 14:18

i think he is aware of how much of a problem it is for me but tends to see it as MY problem that i cant get over it,counselling might help although in my mind right now i have lost any sort of respect i had for him which has kind of caused a million other problems.... it really does feel that i dont love him any more just because of this one thing. i dont know if he is doing it at all now,i make a point of not looking at his mobile account and computor history in case i see something i dont like....

OP posts:
peachandpear · 01/12/2005 14:33

would he agree to counselling? I can't see how you can both go on like this. Please try and see if you could both do counselling. It seems such a shame 'to call it a day' without seeking help.

peachandpear · 02/12/2005 09:48

Irismaria. Hows it going?

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