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Original poster

Very new relationship, should I "listen" to my gut feelings?

46 replies

Lazydaisy55 · 29/07/2011 20:51

I met a man for the first time last Saturday. It was via a dating web site so we met in a public place. Had a lovely conversation, which led to having something to eat, and then seeing a film. I had intended just an initial meet, and got swept away. He wanted to see me the next day, which I did and had a lovely time. Then he wanted me to go to a ceroc dancing lesson with him, I thought I would give it a go, but by the end decided it was not for me. He was very disappointed because he "wanted us to do something together" this was the third time we had met up. He is now trying to get me to go on holiday with him!! I havent even know him a week. When I said that I did not want to go away on holiday with him because it was too soon, he did an "I am so sad, I was really looking forward to spending time with you" response, which feels like guilt tripping to me. We get on well and I am attracted to him, but I am getting the feeling that something is not right. Any opinions/advice?

OP posts:
ChristinedePizan · 30/07/2011 11:37

I bet you a tenner that you hear from him again. Don't be afraid to tell him that you will report him if he keeps hassling you

RabbitPie · 30/07/2011 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Lazydaisy55 · 30/07/2011 11:59

What does "gas lighting" mean?

OP posts:
want2sleep · 30/07/2011 12:13

you were fab being so assertive and direct well done:)

Now we need to wait and see if he is a stalker....but yep a gaslighter in the early days....I find gas lighting really hard to explain and see...it is a way of the person changing something...ie denying they did it (like denying they were pressurrising you into a holiday and it was all your imagination or you got it wrong cause you are sensitive/paranoid/stupid....or physical by moving/hiding things to make you think your delevoping dementia/going crazy...shame MN destroyed the thread...perfect gaslighting...I did atually paste it when they said it was troll (thought it was my ex playing sicko games for some reason)....am I allowed to put it back on MNHQ to show OP what gas lighting is...as it was a 'perfect' senerio!

ChristinedePizan · 30/07/2011 12:19

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting is quite a good definition

Original poster
Lazydaisy55 · 30/07/2011 17:41

I had a text from him, telling me I was selfish, I had misunderstood everything he had said and finally I was cold hearted!!

So glad I got out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lazydaisy55 · 30/07/2011 17:47

I posted my reply before I read the definition of gaslighting, I really made the right decision!

OP posts:
SingOut · 30/07/2011 18:00

Thank goodness! Relieved for you :)

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 30/07/2011 21:34

Wow you're selfish because you don't want to go on holiday with a man you hardly know and cold hearted that you don't want to date him anymore! Woah!

Glad you have good gut instinct, I have terrible instinct, or at least can't quite hear it/see it! How the hell do you tune into it?!

pictish · 30/07/2011 23:29

Oh well done. Very good you!

Yep - phew!

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 30/07/2011 23:32

Way to go Lazy :)

solidgoldbrass · 30/07/2011 23:34

Haha, raving knobbo. Let me congratulate you once again on your excellent knob radar, you picked up that he was bad news after less than a week. Now block him from your phone if you can, if you can't and he carries on texting, send him a text telling him to leave you alone and never contact you again. And if he carries on pestering you then don't be afraid or embarrassed to report him to the police. Men like this can be a thorough fucking nuisance, the best way to deal with them is to hit hard and fast with legal backup.

want2sleep · 31/07/2011 00:59

WhoseGotMyEyebrows funny thing 'gut' feeling can be very subtle and fast! We can easy be convinced it is paranoia or we can shange that person or we are over acting! It is what it says thoough a feeling in the 'gut' that makes you stop for a second if that....easy missed but can be a life saver...I go by my 'gut' instinct now. It has helped me several tmes with past relationship and work.
I remember once a person phoned me up to change shifts...I really didnt want to had a 'gut' feeling ...I didnt listen and had a shift from hell...I stopped swapping shifts with people from then on!
the OP has experience possibly in this...as a pro in detecting red flags.

Original poster
Lazydaisy55 · 31/07/2011 01:53

Eyebrows - unfortunately, I have developed my gut instinct by ignoring it in the past (and going through hell as a consequence). The references to "gaslighting" are new to me, but very relevant, both with this man and in the past.

My recomendation, dont ever mistrust your gut instinct.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 31/07/2011 02:30

A little word about 'gut feelings'. If you have a gut feeling that a man is not very nice and means you harm, what's the worst that could happen?

Well, if you act on your feeling and blow the man off, you might stay single! Bwaaaah, how horrible!
Or if you ignore and suppress the feeling because after all, you should give him a chance, you're not getting any younger, oh come on what's wrong with you, he's only showing how much he likes you etc - well you could end up trapped in a relationship with someone you never fancied much anyway, regularly beaten, alienated from all your friends, not allowed to go out of the house...

(OK the third worst option is you tell mr Fucknugget Loser to go away and he won't, but it's sometimes easier to get the police to deal with a stalky loser than to deal with an abusive 'partner')

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 31/07/2011 16:23

Yeah that's thing. I have always ignored it about jobs/men/friends and ended up with bullying bosses, abusive men, and manipulative friends! Need to LISTEN to it!

want2sleep · 31/07/2011 17:48

Learn from experience whosegotmy don't beat yourself up about it...we humans esp females are very good at making excuses or thinking we can help that person get better or deal with it...but they are the only ones...you have human compassion that's all and that is a good quality to have :)

solidgoldbrass · 31/07/2011 22:31

Well there is this cultural pressure on women to be accommodating to men, to please them, defer to them, be nice to them. Right up to the point of agreeing to date a man who makes you want to throw up, because you have to give him a chance. It's interesting that the only 'excuse' a woman can give for not wanting to interact with a creepy man is that she is already the property of another man - just saying 'Actually, fuck off, I don't like you and I don't want anything to do with you' is not seen as enough on it's own.

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 31/07/2011 22:37

Perfectly put SGB Grin

Spuddybean · 31/07/2011 22:41

Go with your gut. Read the book 'the gift of fear' by gavin de becker. all girls should be made to read this book at the age of 14!

FreudianSlipper · 31/07/2011 22:44

always go with your gut feelings, they are there for a reason. it will be much easier to now than if you do get involved with him and have feelings towards him

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