Babies vs Marriage

[SpiderDog]

My DH and I are having an ongoing (ie. over 5 years) 'discussion' about having children. I am not completely unwilling, but have a lot of ishoos relating to my own upbringing, my body and my mental health.Essentially, I would rather not. He would be a perfect Dad and never really considered the alternative.

So you can see our dilemma. My position is not a surprise to him. We discussed this at length before we got married.

My question for MNers is - have any of you had a child for your your DH primarily? Have any of you NOT had a child despite your DH really wanting one? In either case, how did this affect your marriage?

Our problem is that we love each other and our marriage is good. DH is very curious about your responses, as am I.

Thanks in advance.

Ooh, that's a very good idea from Eighties Chick - suppose you were told, tomorrow, that you are in fact infertile. If all you feel is relief, then you probably shouldn't have a baby. If you start thinking, well, how infertile? How about IVF or surrogacy then imagine that you are told, whoops, we've made a mistake, you're actually pregnant. Then how would you feel?

I have no idea if this will be of any use to you but this is my story - at about 19/20 I had some gynaecological issues. I definitely didn't want a baby at that point in time, doubted I ever would want one, was already in the feminst/non-conformist mindset which saw early marriage and early motherhood as disastrous... the years passed, I had a brief broody spell which passed without any actual attempts at TTC, more years passed and I thought I was pretty much settled as happily childfree. And had another bout of uterine shenanigans (nothing serious, just unexplained bleeding which meant a bit of poking about). I had pretty much convinced myself I was perimenopausal with non-functioning reproductive organs at the age of 39 (to the extent that I used to comment on that popular strand of anti-abortion debates that says, women who have abortions are women too stupid, lazy or careless to use contraception properly and say - if you have never had to have an abortion, maybe it's becuase you're infertile rather than morally superior).
So I thought I was safe enough to chance unprotected shagging with an old drinking buddy on the grounds that I was too old, my bits didn't work and oh, er, i'm in the safe part of my cycle anyway.

Wrong on all three counts and I now have a lovely 6 year old DS. It has been difficult in terms of no money, diminished social life and having to act like a grown up, but no, I wouldn't do any of it differently. Except for the having more money bit.

SGB - interesting story. I think if I accidently got pregnant now, it would be a similar reaction to if we found out we were unable to have kids - relief at having the decision taken out of our hands.

I would just go with it I think.

DH wanted kids, I was ambivalent (personally at the time I was happy with the idea of never having kids).

I had the same worries you did, not great upbringing, not sure (still not) if I want give the child emotionally what it needed while DH had the normal happy MC upbringing. Turned out I knew exactly what having kids would mean while DH had no idea (I can't understand why he never thought about the practicalities of such a matter, but I guess like many he got caught up with the romantic side of things).

We decided to try and I got pg the first month (after I had changed my mind). I spent the whole pregnancy scared of the life I was going to lose (was in mourning). Now I can't imagine life being any different and am pg for the second time (admittedly it was a MAP failure).

Life is different but certainly not on hold. DH has been a SAHD while I work (although we're swapping for a year while I take mat leave). I feel like I know what I'm good at and what I'm not (so therefore work on the area's I'm not and I'm making a pro-active effort to be the type of the parent I want to rather than relying on 'instinct'). It's been a full on year (she's 16 months) we've moved countries, just got back from a 4 week road trip so I've realised life doesn't stop you just do it at a slower pace than before. I even had DH and DD come along while I climbed outdoors so I could BF her during the day when she was few months old.

Don't know if this helps but just relaying some of my experiences in relation to the fears that I had.

I must admit I have often been deeply relieved that the decision was sort of out of my hands (Yes I could have chosen to terminate, but really didn't want to do that) and I never had to go through the dithering and discussing with a partner. Mind you, I skipped the 'partner' bit of it which suits me just fine: as old drinking buddies we get along well enough and DS has never known any different.

I was quite happy and childfree, been with my dp for 10 years. We had been having brief discussions now and then if we would want to start a family, and always agreed, it is a discussion for later "lets talk again in 3 years".

I honestly think neither of us were really keen on kids. It just never entered our horizion, aside from those brief discussions (mostly prompted by our parents, I might add).

When I missed a period, I was highly surprised. But we realized we were both happy about it. We now have two sons, aged 9 and 6.

I suppose the difference between me and you is that you are quite adamant that you dont want to have a child, whereas I did not really give it enough thought to find out if I really to be a mum. I do now though! I am even feeling sad that I am now too old for number 3!

I had DS for DH - if I hadn't married a man who desperately wanted children, I'd have been very happily child-free. We thought and talked about it for ages, agreed that DH would take the primary responsibility for the baby, started TTC and nothing happened. It turns out I'm pretty sub-fertile and it took us four years to have DS, which gave me (in hindsight) a lot of time to consciously enjoy my child-free life and make the most of it, which was probably healthy. I went back to work FT after 6 months' maternity leave and DH gave up work to look after DS, whom he adores. In our particular case, it was right for me to give DH the chance to be a father, and he's brilliant at it.

I don't regret it, at all, but you need to be careful about being pushed into conventional gender roles: one of the reasons things have worked out well for us is that, on the whole, apart from the business of pregnancy and birth, my life has been less affected than DH's by having DS. I love DS and wouldn't be without him but I know myself well enough to be sure I'm not cut out to stay at home, and that I'd be very resentful if my wings had been clipped professionally while DH's career was powering ahead.

Spiderdog, have you and your dh discussed baby care in general? Who will be the primary carer? Is he expecting this to be you?
Who will take the bulk of the maternity leave? Will he consider being a stay at home dad while your child is really small?
Or does he expect you to do the pregnancy, take on the primary caring role, be a sahm, just so that he can be a dad?

If he is so keen on fatherhood, then he should also consider taking on a very active role in baby care and upbringing, while you can continue working.

We have discussed child care. He is happy to take an active role, as far as is practical. He earns more than I do and I would be wanting to breastfeed for 6 months at least if I can.
We own a business so there's some flexibility there as far as arrangements for childcare.

On paper it all seems quite ideal, doesn't it? I think that there are probably couples who would love to have our set up. It's just not a life I ever saw for myself. I never played at having babies when I was a child. I never even thought I would get married to be honest. I do love DH and our life together, but I am beginning to feel guilty that I might end up keeping him from becoming a father.

I BF didn't stop DH being a SAHD from 4 months when I went back to work :)

Also don't assume DH will be a perfect dad, you'll be good in different ways. DH has patience but I'm the driver behind other things.

OTOH I assume he knew your stance on children, either way one of you could end up feeling guilty. There isn't a right of wrong answer here and the answer today could be different from another year down the line.

I was always pretty ambivalent about having children and if I'd ended up with someone who didn't want them then I'm sure I'd be happily childless now. I had a pretty crappy upbringing, and there are MH issues on both my mother's and father's side. And like you, OP, I see some of those characteristics in me.

But, I met DH, who comes from a very big happy family and who always knew that he would be a dad one day. Over time I came around to the idea of having children. Not because he "persuaded" me to, but because the more time we spent together the more normal the idea became. I was never broody, and doubt I ever would have got to that stage. And we were both determined to do as much as possible in life before we had a family, travelling, gigs etc, so we couldn't lament that we'd missed out.

We now have a DS and I'm pg again (both planned). I don't find being a mum easy because of my own issues, but it's right that I'm very aware of what not to do. I'm very lucky as DH is a very very hands on-dad unlike a lot of my friend's partners, and he supports me to do the best I can and takes over when I get overwhelmed.

I definitely miss our old life, especially as my close friends don't have children yet, and if I was younger then I wouldn't have had my children yet. But, I know that we made the right decision.

I was never broody either, and didn't meet DH until I was in my early 30s. He was keen on babies, and settling down, and all of that. I didn't want to "leave it too late". We have 2 DDs now, aged 2 and 4. DD1 was fine, having the second made it hard work. And I miss my job, and my old life, a lot.

If we were doing it again, I would go for a role reversal type scenario. Our personalities are such that he is great in the traditional "mum" role - caring, patient, soppy, baking with them, all that stuff. While I am in the traditional "dad" role - thinking up stuff to do, playing, more physically demonstrative with them, being the "enforcer" then they are naughty.

It is a shame that society is such that we didn't think properly before we slipped into traditional roles.

If I were you I would see if there is a way he can be the primary carer - or even 50/50 - you have your own business so that might be easier. There is nothing wrong with baulking at the primary carer idea. Then when the baby is here - you might be surprised how you feel.

As for the physical stuff - pg and childbirth - who knows. You might sail through both! Lots of people do.

Good luck And I think you should go for it. Really I do

Incidentally babies grow into larger, actual people. On MN and when thinking about it, the focus is often on little ones. I have little ones. It is bloody hard work and all-encompassing. But they get bigger. They go to nursery, then primary school, then secondary school. They are not dependent forever.

I will be better with older ones - DD1 is great now we can have a conversation - she is 4 now. You might well be the same. Babies and toddlers don't do it for everyone!